It's Written In The Stars

I write my blog to help arrange my thoughts, I write it for me. My wife says she likes them. I share it in case anyone finds something useful in it for them. I've been working on a project, it's not quite ready, but I feel comfortable enough to write about it.

This week something changed, I went to see a couple of shows at the free fringe on my own, which isn't something I do, I always go with other people. There were a couple of shows I wanted to made sure I caught and it's the last week of the fringe, so after work, headed off to the venue, stood around for five minutes, watching three members of staff being confused by several chip and pin machines not working, eventually I got robbed a drink and went to queue early as the show has been really busy. I sat outside in the corridor next to the room happily reading a Fortean Times. Other people started to arrive and I was perfectly comfortable and didn't feel out of place at all.

If I'd been in a similar situation last year, I'd have been anxious, standing, looking around, wondering what people thought of me. Why is he here on his own? Is he a weird stalker? Who comes to a comedy show on their own? I'd not be able to settle, always on edge, feeling uncomfortable, my mind reeling. This year? None of that. I really wish it was possible to develop a simulator to put people in and let them see what some of the range of feelings related to anxiety and depression feel like, because, why outwardly there's not always much to see, the feelings inside can be running riot, or they can be subtly undermining. I find it difficult to try and articulate how that feels to people who haven't experienced such things. I'm really not sure how to explain how pleased with myself I was, I was relaxed and it made me happy and felt like I fitted in.

The show I was queuing for was Ashley Storrie and Other Erotica and I haven't laughed so much in ages, though I notice over the past year or two I seem to be developing a Mutley 'heshh heshh heshh' laugh, which I can't decide if it's cool, or downright bizarre and I should stop it immediately. It's always good to see comedy that fits with my way of thinking. It made me realise we should go see the occasional bit of comedy at the weekends.

I went for a good walk around Edinburgh afterwards and did a similar thing at the next venue, where it was also £4-£5 for a drink. I sat in the beer garden perfectly calm, reading a book and listening to tunes until it was time for the show, Sofie Hagen's Shimmer Shatter. An entertaining show, it made me laugh, but elements of it struck chords with me and personally it was, well I can't think of the word I'm looking for. 'Fulfilling' sounds wrong and 'worthwhile' makes it sound like I didn't think I was going to enjoy it, which wasn't the case. It set me off thinking, to me it seems like, compared to 10-20 years ago, there are more people who think similar ways, have some similar experiences and share them. I realise there were probably always a lot of people like that, but it's far easier for them to identify themselves, stigmas that were previously there were dissolving. I didn't feel out of place and alone, for the second time that day I felt I fitted in somewhere, no remnants of awkwardness.

This would be a great place to end the blog, but I did mention a project I've been working on. It's about astrology now don't go forming opinions, damn to late you probably already have, so what am I doing with astrology. Part of what I do generally in life, is look at things, investigate them (solely for me), then forget or lose interest in them. This time round, that's not happened.

Years ago I watched Dave Gorman's  Important Astrology Experiment on BBC2. I thought it was brilliant and funny. It was something no one else had ever done, yes it was tongue in cheek, but it was fascinating. Move ahead a few years, looking for answers, anxiety and self esteem getting hammered out slowly as what others experience as normality crept it. I started reading about astrology, not daily or weekly sun sign forecasts in newspapers, but from a book I picked up for a couple of quid.  The Ultimate Astrologer by Nicholas Campion. My parents used to have a hardback horoscope book that sat on a shelf in the living room for years. I'd read it when I was 13 or 14, and tried to draw up my own chart and gotten confused and lot in the process, so had abandoned it.

I don't remember what made me decide to revisit astrology buy that book or draw up a chart, perhaps it was desperation to find out more about my social conditioning and behaviour? I started playing with free software on the internet, decided I'd like more functionality, so what I did was I tried writing my own Astrology software, this was great practice for doing more coding, but there were nippy bugs creeping in and it was taking up too much time, so I reverted to other astrology software.

In the near future, I intend to do a more detailed post in the future about what horoscopes are, and what astrology is and isn't. The difference between your horoscopes in newspapers and magazines, vs. a full chart. All I'll say is nothing is written in stone and you've got free will. Whatever your views, I am taking the process of drawing these up seriously. I'm not out to fool anyone or take the piss, I am experimenting. I want these to be as accurate as I can make them. I want someone to look at it with open eyes and agree and disagree, offer feedback, I want these to make people think, to look at the wider world around them.

As part of this, once I have my own chart drawn up, I'm going to look at following it for six months, and keep a diary of what's going on, looking at the best times to do things, and hopefully it will make life more interesting. The idea lifted from Dave Gorman, but done from a full horoscope without going for a comedy element, not sun signs in newspapers. As part of this, I plan on offering natal horoscopes to everyone.

I will soon be launching a website offering these horoscopes on a pay-what-you-feel-it's-worth. After reading your horoscope, if you feel it helps, or makes you think and you feel it's worth something, or if you think I'm bat shit crazy and should be encouraged to stay off the streets because I'm at home writing horoscopes instead then you'll be able to donate some money for it.

If you can't afford it, or don't want to pay, then that's fine, you get a horoscope for free, all I ask is that you go do something nice, help someone carry their shopping, do the washing up, get a couple of items for your local food bank. Whatever it is, do something to benefit others, it doesn't need to be a grand gesture.

Any questions?