Brain dump on recent events.

I've been quieter of late because I have had shedloads too much to do. For over a month I've been in the midst of a DIY frenzy which has seen me decorating, laying floors and building and fitting a new kitchen. I've also had my girlfriend and her two children move in with me, we're still sorting out stuff two weeks after moving in, there's boxes and bags still all over the place, although you can now move in the kitchen and living room. We've been making decisions such as what to do with all the items that there is now an excess off mugs and glasses. We're getting there, though it'll probably been another couple of weeks before everything else is done. There's still a bit of painting to do and a couple of floors to lay and the insurance company need to fix my bathroom floor. It's nearly done. 

Through this I have learned that basic plumbing is relatively simple and straight forward, the reason that I need an electrician to check the installation of my oven and hob is actually to do with it being in the same room as a water supply. I also started wondering why I own books, yes they're nice and I like them and they take up more space than CDs, but most of the I could have in eBook format, and to be fair only a few are actually rare enough to warrant keeping. I don't think I'll really ever re-read them, maybe the odd one, what could do with is a facility to swap a physical book for an eBook version of it. As for my CDs, ever since I put them on display I've listened to them more, and a good chunk you can get mp3s of but it doesn't account for those that are out of print, been deleted or the limited editions. Problem with electronic music is one hard drive crash and it's away, at least with eBooks on Amazon, they keep note of what you've purchases and let you access them again. Also you don't get the artwork or a nice booklet with an mp3.

Then there are the children, I have "inherited" a seven year old and a four year old. Yes I've known them for nearly 2 years, I've spent a lot of time around them, I'm aware of what I say and how I phrase it, I also know that they're good, they are angels and it's rewarding. However on the flip side, when one of them is tantruming refusing to eat their dinner because it's "yucky" or if one of them is releasing an ear piercing, mind bending scream because they've decided they're not getting what they want to do, in the heat of the moment, it is on the odd occasion very difficult not to want to get them put up for adoption. It's a bit like when kids tantrum, it can last for up to an hour, but they come out of it, apologise and everything seems back to normal, so too my patience returns and life continues on again. It can be difficult to try not to be wound up in the first place, especially when you leave the room for two minutes to make a cup of tea and the two of them start bickering over something either because they've been couped up due to the awful weather or they're not feeling so well or boredom has kicked in.

It's good know that whatever they get up to they are good kids, somewhat trying at times, but then so are all children. I know I used to be exactly the same way. They also take up a chunk of my time, no longer at the weekend can I get up at 10am wander through the living room, chuck on Saturday Kitchen and hope Anthony Worrall Thompson is a guest so I can shout 'Beard Salad' at the TV and then potter about playing computer games. It's similar to a week day, up at some point between the usual 6:45am and if I'm lucky, I might get to sleep in until 8. Wander through stick on some children's channels and go back and lie awake in bed for a while, before getting asked to make breakfast by little people. It's then time to fish out my work laptop and potter about on it for the next hour or so, either catching up on TV or pottering on the internet for a bit. And do you know what? I don't actually mind at all, I'm quite happy with it, then again lack of sleep doesn't affect me too badly. We are fortunate that the kids go and stay with their dad at the weekend, so we have one night a week where we can sleep in and catch up on any sleep, relax and recover enough to find something fun to do with them on a Sunday afternoon.

I'm still getting used to it, even though not that much has actually changed, there was two nights a week I didn't stay at Joy's, now I see the boys for an hour or two more during weekdays than I used to. What I've noticed changing is that I now feel more part of a family unit than before, more settled. My space has become "our" space. I can now go home at night and that's it, there's no more rushed dinners before scooting out again. I'll looking forward to being able to start cooking properly again. My house feels much more like a home than it has. Everyone seems happy including the cats. Life has changed, and it's definitely for the better.

Marriage and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Today's brain dump is based on recent articles in the press on gay people wanting to be allowed to marry,  some what I assume were trolling comments in the Metro's letters page - "People who don't have children after two years of being married should have their marriage annulled." and a couple of my friends annoucing their recent engagement.

Some people view marriage as some kind of finality, a bit like death. It is a commitment which in our stereotyped world means having kids and the end of any kind of socialising with the outside world. When people do have children, regardless of marital status, it will change how they interact with other people, when and what they can do. It does not mean it is the end of their social life, they choose to make it so, or unless they have shite friends.

Even if we remove children from the equation, that hideous laddish stereotype about being "under the thumb" and the idea that you can't choose any other person to sex up remains. Being "under the thumb" is down the individuals behaviour, even outside of marriage some people will choose spending time with their partner over spending time with their friends, this is natural enough. It only becomes unhealthy when people stop seeing their friends. I don't get why people have this hang up about being with someone, you could have been with that person for 10 years, why is the concept of making a commitment to continue that frightens people? If it all goes wrong there's always divorce.

That isn't supposed to come across as cynical, because sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they become stronger, sometimes people change and turn into someone else. We can't know how relationships will work out, people outside of your relationship might think they do and if they're your friends they will, if they have balls, ask if you're happy*, and will go with your decision or keep quiet, what they won't do is lecture or berate you for it. If they are your real friends, they know that you are a grown up and responsible for your own decisions.

Relationships can fall apart for a number of reasons, whatever happens you can bet there will be a communication failure, whether it's someone not listening, or just not talking about things and ignoring problems. In a worse case scenario there is always divorce, it's not painful, unless you believe it is like a huge weight around your neck with the word "FAILURE" carved into it, which sadly many people do. Whether it's due to their upbringing, experiences of other people's divorce or that they blame themself for the divorce, even if that is not necessarily the case. Divorce can be amicable, even if you chose to marry an unstable person, it can still be easier, as long as neither party feel scorned. You may find problems from any new relationships formed and the new partner encouraging the "get everything you can/they deserve nothing" route.

While divorce isn't always pleasant, it is not the end of the world, it will mean you've had a learning experience and any regrets or mistakes you've made you'll learn from them and become a stronger person. Those who say"Marriage is just a piece of paper", it isn't. It is a commitment with legal paper work attached and should not be dismissed so easily. It is a commitment to be with someone and to love and look after them along with other things. In case anyone has forgotten, the other person also commits to the same that as well. It's an equal partnership, that is not "just a piece of paper". This is something that applies to all of us, if your relationship isn't in this state, then don't get married.**

That said, marriage should be for everyone, civil partnerships may offer an alternative to marriage, but it's not the same, I really don't see what the issue people have with everyone being allowed to marry? I see archaic views from certain religious sectors of society object for reasons which I find poor and of little relevance. Such people take religion and pick and choose bits to make it fit with their personal viewpoints in life, so the problem isn't religion, it's interolerant people. In a similar way that a knife alone doesn't kill someone, it's the person holding it and making the stabbing motion into someone else that causes it to happen. 

As for me? I was happy when I got married, I was also happy when I got divorced. Would I do it again? If I felt it was the right thing to do then I would.

To my friends getting married? Congratulations to Neil and Lorna, marriage isn't scary and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

* this happened to me - the friends looking out part, not the lecture part.
** this was a choice I had to make and walked away.

Of creativity and cycling

It's before 9am, my brain has woken up and it is full of ideas, I've no clue what most of them are. I am in that state where you feel potentially ready to achieve things I feel are important to my day, both personal and work related things. I feel like I can come up with creative things, which is great for trying to come up with some music related stuff. The only problem is that if I get interupted that great feeling will go out the window and leave my mind feeling like the shine has been taken off things, and it is often difficult to get back in to that brilliant state of mind. I have found a way to do it, however it takes about 15-20 minutes to do, and you need peace and quiet to do it. Losing that state of mind makes so much seem like a chore rather than a task to take on. It's kind of like writer's block, I really have to force myself to get things done, ideas jar, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to flesh out those ideas. So far this morning I'm still "in the zone".

The bike I got for £20 last year has decided it has reached then end of it's useful life. You read correctly, "it" has decided, not me. In the past month it has become incredibly rusty, paint flaking off and the spokes as well have started going all rusty, brakes had to get replaced, tyres had to get replaced and now the rim of my back wheel has split leaving a bulging piece of metal for about 4 inches, catching on the brake blocks. Rather than get a new wheel, I think it has reached the time for a new bike. Thankfully I don't need anything special, a cheap thing for covering 30 odd miles a week. It means I don't have to spend £60 a week on taxis going to see Joy. I could walk I guess but getting up at 6am to walk for over an hour to get to a station twice a week, is not my idea of fun. To be fair it's the getting up at arse o'clock that I have the issue with as opposed to the walking, I like walking, I should walk more, but that's not always possible at least I cycle so I'm getting exercise, so it's good. Working on the third floor of a building with no lifts, and often going up and downstairs, including to the basement fairly often, always helps.

No news is, err... good news?

When I go on holiday I stop reading and watching the news, not because of some kind of odd ritual or anything. It's just that I forget about it. I forget what's going on out there in the rest of the world. I am on holiday, everything that is part of my monday to friday routine goes out the window. It's nice to have a reprieve from the rest of the world. I no longer sigh and ponder the state of humanity when the Tories are clearly trying to destroy the NHS or people are being slaughtered by their governments. I have my isolated little bubble to live in for a week where I forget about everyone elses worlds and focus on my own. My world is putting on CDs I haven't listened to in years and remembering why I like them or memories linked to them. I actually have time to cook, bake bread, and not feel I'm under pressure to cook dinner as quickly as possible. I can go and have lunch in a restaurant and not feel like I have to wolf my food down, like if I nip out for a pub lunch at work. There are days I'd like to be able to spend more time doing that, if I could afford to take an extra month of the year off unpaid I would do so without even blinking.  I don't mind coming back to work, it's just that being on holiday has made me appreciate things far more. Maybe it's because it alters my perception of time altering or maybe it's  by product of taking time to relax? It's time to burst the bubble, pick up a newspaper and come back into the practical world. Ah well, there's always more bubbles to look forward to.

Colds and Dentists.

I am run down again, I feel a cold starting in the back of my throat and the head mash that goes with it. I never realised how bad children are for spreading diseases. I will no doubt have this cold kicked into touch in the next day or two, due to a decent immune system, I seem to be getting these "mini colds" every couple of months, and yes I blame children, plaguebearers that they are! My girlfriend's two seem to have frequent colds or viruses they've picked up at school and brought back with them. Thankfully I don't have to go to work tomorrow, I get the joys of going to the dentist instead since I've not been in almost 5 years and I really should go back. Going to the dentist I like, I have a good dentist who doesn't take the piss, and who is very understanding and generous with the numbing chemicals since I have not been particularly fond of dentists since I got what were probably two unescessary fillings without any anesthetic when I was about 16. Another reason for going back is knowing my dad didn't go for 17 years and had to have all bar 8 teeth removed, I remember the agony the poor man was in, so I vowed not to do the same thing. I also need to get my eyes tested and see if I can pick up a set of random daily contacts for me to wear intermitantly, putting in contacts when I am tired is near bloody impossible.

Not a particularly inspiring blog today, but hey I'm sticking to writing two a week. Creatively I have two demos which require lyrics recorded and dumped into them, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Fruit Doesn't Grow In Fridges

Other than bacteria and mould not much grows in a fridge. Fridges are dark, cold places and while they're nice for keeping our favourite beverages chilled, I don't think anyone would want to live in one. No one wants to have their growth stunted physically, mentally or emotionally, living in a fridge would do exactly that to a person, so why oh why do we seem to develop out here in the nice warm world* like we've been living in a fridge. Think back to the time someone told you that you were shit at something, were you actually shit at it, or were they just putting you down, either due to jealousy or just being malicious and wanting you fail. If it's negative feedback, we let it get to us, instead of ignoring and rising above it, if people offered constructive criticism life would be a much better place, we could learn more, grow more and develop our skills and as a result end up as better human beings.

Here's a tip: if people don't ever offer you feedback, they either a) have bothered checking something out or b) probably too afraid to say "I didn't like it.", which if it's not their cup of tea, is fair game, but they need to remember you are not a fragile egocenteric*** and that you can accept it.

* Though if you've been outside "Brrrrrr! It's a bit nippy out"**
** Yes this bit is stolen from The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
*** If you are like this and if you are and take constructive criticism badly you poor delicate flower, then grow up and grow a pair (the pair you require will depend on gender).

"I may have done what was expected rather than what I wanted."

I read this yesterday and started thinking about how often most of us live this way. We let things just wash over us whether it's for an easy life or perhaps because we're blocking something from our vision. From my own experience I know unhealthy this can be. Stress, indigestion, insomnia and general misery are just a few of the thrills to be experienced before heading towards a minor breakdown.

Using the superpower that we all possess, hindsight, I can easily identify the numerous regrets because I did either what was expected of me or because I didn't want to rock the boat. I know the reasoning behind each, and me now asking me then, "What the hell were you doing?", in a similar way to when a parent asks a child why they've just done something incredibly stupid, but in the child's view they can't fathom out why it's frowned upon. I can't quite work it out either, I knew at the time what I should do, but never did because of fear. Fear of repercussions, fear of failure, fear of getting it wrong. It was the day I faced that fear that I started to become who I wanted to be, stupidly I was in my twenties by this point, but the mounting up of times I did what was expected and not being happy about it, along with every time I held my tongue, slowly built towards giving me the strength to realise what I had to do. Everytime I did what was expected it was like another part of me was lost, sounds melodramatic, but when you find yourself freed of restraints you realise how much of yourself you'd recovered.

Nowadays, I'm more inclined to register disatisfaction or debate points, when before I'd bebe desperate to avoid arguments and fights. I'm also less inclined to give a shit about what people think or how they perceive me. I know I create a particular impression sometimes, but if people actually bothered to stop and ask some questions, you might see that is not the only part of me. In spite of this I still look at myself and try to keep my head in check and look at what I'm doing and am aware of the effects and potential impacts of what I am doing. I did wonder the other day if I was getting old as I feel a bit disconnected, but no, life is moving on in various ways, I can see it with my friends, they're "growing up" as it were, buying houses. C'mon, I did that 10 years ago! I feel grown up these days, I am in a relationship that doesn't feel rushed, one that has taught me I am good with kids, they find me fun and engaging, which is something even I doubted. Also I have someone who isn't afraid to ask me questions and vise versa, always discussions, never arguments. While even now I have expectations placed upon me, such as I won't lock my girlfriend's children in a cupboard when they're naughty. That I have to behave slightly differently around kids, not calling mocking them when they do something dim, watching what I say around them , or referring to baked beans as farties. I tolerate people I'd rather not, for the sake of others. I talk about the things that annoy me from time to time and as a result I feel for once I have a fairly clear perspective on my life. I also accept that at any point I may be proven wrong, but what's different is that now I'm living more in the moment than I used to and not worrying too much about it. I am now in a position feeling comfortable enough to start doing what I want and I where don't feel restricted by anything or anyone other than time. I know I will have to be patient for some of the things I want, but that's easy, they'll come along, while I'm waiting I'm going to be too busy enjoying life.

Scottish Independence?

The answer is I don't know. When I was younger I didn't see the point in devolution and thought it was a waste of money. While I think paying MSPs the salary we do is a waste, and as much as I despise "Suntan" Sheridan he was right about one thing, how much MSPs should be paid. Now we have Independence rearing it's head. A subject that has generally been avoided/laughed at and regarded as a pipe dream by central government and many in the Scottish Parliament. That's suddenly changed. Cameron is now shitting himself, suddenly this has gone from a dream to a very real possibility and is starting to panic along with many. They want a quick, cut and dried answer to all this, and I don't think that is sensible in this situation. Unlike the younger me, I have the magical power of hindsight, I see that Scotland having more control over how it runs has been a good thing. For it have more control in a fiscal sense, seems more than reasonable, it does not operate in the same way as England, so why not operate it in a more sensible way?

However full independence? I don't know what to think. Given the global financial situation, the EU is looking somewhat shaky, is going it alone a good idea? What will happen? Could England be better off, while Scotland flounders or vise versa? Would both countries suffer or would both flourish? No one actually knows, not Salmond, nor Cameron. Would Scotland be seen as a new country perfect for criminal regimes or would it be left alone? Again, no one knows. The only thing we do know is that politicians lie, however which ones are lying in this case is anyone's guess. The only part that makes me sad about this is that Scotland would retain the queen as head of state, I'd much prefer a republic.

I'll certainly be voting, but which way I don't know, then again I have a third option, emigrating.

If you're bored...

I am trying to motivate myself to blog at least twice a week, and create a badly drawn cartoon three times a week. I'm still using Mindbloom and leaving it open in my browser as a daily "todo" list and it's working quite well, as you can see I've written various entries. In other creative ventures, I'm also trying to create some new music and write some lyrics, I want to get back into a band and do something I like and not give much of  a fuck if anyone else likes it or not.


Here's a couple of things one is mine, the other obviously isn't. One motivates, the both amuse. And one has a not bad depiction of an AK-47.

'Oasis' - Amanda Palmer.

It's not really that far.

A few time people have asked me why I live in Fife, and to be fair the answer was simply, if I wanted to own a house, it was somewhere I could afford to do so. People seem to have some odd ideas about how living outside of Edinburgh. "Is it not too far?" or "I'd hate all that travelling." Comments from my old manager about how he could never live outside the Edinburgh bypass as it's too far away. It started me thinking. I remembered when I lived in Leith briefly and was lazy and got the bus every day. It felt like it took an age some days. I wondered what it would be like getting to work if I still lived there, approx 2.5 miles from my place of work instead of the current 15 miles. 

Currently I get up at 06:45 and aim to leave at 07:10, usually fail and leave at 07:20. If I didn't use my biek I would need to leave at 07:10 to get a train that would get me in on time for starting at 08:00. Now if I lived in Edinburgh (According to Google Maps) to get from the Foot of Leith Walk to my workplace would take 52 mins walking and 31 mins by bus. Given I walk faster that what Google's appears to assume is an average walking speed of 3mph, I might shave off up to about 10 mins off that time and take about 40 mins.

So pretending I live in Edinburgh near the Foot of the Walk, I start at 08:00 and leave at 07:10 I would get in at 07:50, and be fair puggled but well exercised, if I left 10 mins later and got the bus, I'd get in at the same time. Now, if I leave my house 15 miles from Edinburgh at 07:20, cycle  to a train station (1.5 miles), get the train to Haymarket and walk to the office, I get in at 07:55. If I leave at 07:10 and walk to a different station (0.75 miles), get a train to Haymarket, I get in the office at 07:55.

For simplicity, here it is in a table.



So um, yeah all that travelling? It probably takes me less time for me to get to work than a lot of folks in the city. 6 times the distance and not so different journey times? That really is fucked up.

The natural order of things.

For years it has never really bothered me, it was only recently that I started to get bugged by it. In the age of "shuffle" and mp3s, I find myself increasingly listening to whole albums in their intended order. It's not that they sound "wrong", but it's not "right" either, the songs don't seem fit and flow together as well as they should. I find myself purposely putting albums in the CD player as opposed to listening to them through iTunes or on my phone. It might sound silly but it seems far easier to skip a track on iTunes or my phone, usually because it's in front of me, the CD player on the other hand is on the other side of the room.

Shuffling songs isn't like making a mixtape in the days of old, when you'd carefully put together songs which flowed well, I learned much from this, I still have all my mixtapes, some just by one artist, I can pick some of the up and wonder what the hell was going on in my mind when I made certain selections, others I've actually dug out years later and stuck in the tape deck because those were the ones that work, they still fit together because I'd got it right. It may not be in context with the album it's from but it mixes in well into a "new" album if you like.

Mixtapes are one thing but back in albumworld I think we're in danger of losing the idea that context is important. Out there in Major Label land, I read an article about how the album is becoming less important, record labels are trying different deals like signing someone for so many songs instead of 3 or 4 albums, they see music as being a consumable item and that it seems to becoming disposable and throwaway because society seems to be moving that way. They want to get the big selling single. It's rather tragic. While some of these will actually be good pieces of work, the will also be a lot chaff. I inhabit a completely different world from these people, I like digital music, but if I can get a physical CD, I'll quite happily opt for that, most of the bands I listen to are either on their own or small labels, very few are on big labels any more. I prefer things this way, it's nurturing talent and allowing for natural development so artists aren't fast tracked and seem as commodity generating money for someone else.

The Cure's "Friday I'm In Love" is a great pop tune, but listening to it alone, it's out of context, you don't have the 11 other songs on the album "Wish" which surround it. It's not that the song doesn't stand up on it's own, it's that the listener is missing out on a whole atmosphere/world that the song belongs to. I think it's far too easy for people to pick and choose individual tracks from music websites to buy, as it means they could be missing out on some of the best (or worst) music. They could be potentially be missing out by not experiencing something and thus not expanding their horizons. How often have you listened to an album and perhaps not been that keen on a song, but it slowly that song grows on you because you listen to the whole album without skipping tracks, and find it has become one of your favourites? I feel most people in our modern world don't have the patience or inclination to sit through a full experience of something, they want to pick and choose individual moments, that they know they will like and be worse off for the experience.

Anyone got any thoughts they'd like to share on this?

Riding the creative wave

This has been an odd week, I've been feeling more creative than usual, it was sparked by me re-working the old material in my last post, oddly I wrote some song lyrics that just seemed to come easisly and flow well. They'll need music to accompany them, but I am actually please with them.

I often wonder about what I come up with, if people will like it or not, I know I like it. A couple of the songs my old band stopped playing were because I didn't want to do them, I knew at the time they were fit for purpose, but personally I was not happy with parts, and it was things that re-writing wouldn't fix. So they ended up dropped from the set. It's nice if someone like's a song, but I don't feel that I need people like it, I just expect them to tolerate it without throwing half bricks.

With my old band I never set up to be a 'comedy' band, it was just that I find it far easier to write things that are either scathing and sarcastic, or are amusing, it's not a deliberate thing. We did music we liked and was generally upbeat and had lyrics that were funny. That doesn't make it a comedy band, though there's nothing wrong with that. Though I do wonder if some of the others felt they wanted to be part of something more serious. I really should get my finger out and work on more new material but also re-visit some of the old stuff, as I'm not really to can some of it yet.

2008 was the last time I played in a band. This year is when I do so again.

5 years on...

I've been giving an airing to some tunes I made over 5 years ago, they were experimental electronic ones that formed a collection called Blue-oo-sound. The 'oo' came from me just randomly assigning each track a letter with 'oo' after it, not the most ingenius idea, but it did the job. Each had a different low frequency tone droning away in the background, and the idea is that depending on the frequency of the tone it will mimic alpha, theta or delta brainwaves. I dug them out because they're being submitted to a collective known as 'The House Above The World'. I've been checking the levels on each track, adjusting the mix, until I was happy with each one. I'm also currently knocking together some cover artwork for this project. If all goes to plan it should see the light of day at the end of the month.

2012: Getting organised?

I stumbled across MindBloom today - "A life game" to improve my life, if you believe the spiel. So I created an account and logged in. To give you the gist, it's a tree with up to 7 leaves, you can choose the leaves you want, each represents an area of your life, career, spirituality, relationships, finances, health, lifestyle and creativity, you can set yourself tasks in each area, and the idea being that as you "grow" so does the tree. It's an attempt to build a life organiser. It's a novel idea, but it no doubt will suffer from what blogging does, apathy once the user has gotten through that initial enthusiasm. It does allow you to link to friends, I assume it will do this either via FB or your email address, depending on how you've signed up to it, not entirely sure though.

I've signed up to give it a go, I may actually get round to doing all those little things I keep putting aside, sticking them in a list and having a website/iPhone app nagging me may just be what I need to start being less lethargic and lazy.