Marriage and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Today's brain dump is based on recent articles in the press on gay people wanting to be allowed to marry,  some what I assume were trolling comments in the Metro's letters page - "People who don't have children after two years of being married should have their marriage annulled." and a couple of my friends annoucing their recent engagement.

Some people view marriage as some kind of finality, a bit like death. It is a commitment which in our stereotyped world means having kids and the end of any kind of socialising with the outside world. When people do have children, regardless of marital status, it will change how they interact with other people, when and what they can do. It does not mean it is the end of their social life, they choose to make it so, or unless they have shite friends.

Even if we remove children from the equation, that hideous laddish stereotype about being "under the thumb" and the idea that you can't choose any other person to sex up remains. Being "under the thumb" is down the individuals behaviour, even outside of marriage some people will choose spending time with their partner over spending time with their friends, this is natural enough. It only becomes unhealthy when people stop seeing their friends. I don't get why people have this hang up about being with someone, you could have been with that person for 10 years, why is the concept of making a commitment to continue that frightens people? If it all goes wrong there's always divorce.

That isn't supposed to come across as cynical, because sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they become stronger, sometimes people change and turn into someone else. We can't know how relationships will work out, people outside of your relationship might think they do and if they're your friends they will, if they have balls, ask if you're happy*, and will go with your decision or keep quiet, what they won't do is lecture or berate you for it. If they are your real friends, they know that you are a grown up and responsible for your own decisions.

Relationships can fall apart for a number of reasons, whatever happens you can bet there will be a communication failure, whether it's someone not listening, or just not talking about things and ignoring problems. In a worse case scenario there is always divorce, it's not painful, unless you believe it is like a huge weight around your neck with the word "FAILURE" carved into it, which sadly many people do. Whether it's due to their upbringing, experiences of other people's divorce or that they blame themself for the divorce, even if that is not necessarily the case. Divorce can be amicable, even if you chose to marry an unstable person, it can still be easier, as long as neither party feel scorned. You may find problems from any new relationships formed and the new partner encouraging the "get everything you can/they deserve nothing" route.

While divorce isn't always pleasant, it is not the end of the world, it will mean you've had a learning experience and any regrets or mistakes you've made you'll learn from them and become a stronger person. Those who say"Marriage is just a piece of paper", it isn't. It is a commitment with legal paper work attached and should not be dismissed so easily. It is a commitment to be with someone and to love and look after them along with other things. In case anyone has forgotten, the other person also commits to the same that as well. It's an equal partnership, that is not "just a piece of paper". This is something that applies to all of us, if your relationship isn't in this state, then don't get married.**

That said, marriage should be for everyone, civil partnerships may offer an alternative to marriage, but it's not the same, I really don't see what the issue people have with everyone being allowed to marry? I see archaic views from certain religious sectors of society object for reasons which I find poor and of little relevance. Such people take religion and pick and choose bits to make it fit with their personal viewpoints in life, so the problem isn't religion, it's interolerant people. In a similar way that a knife alone doesn't kill someone, it's the person holding it and making the stabbing motion into someone else that causes it to happen. 

As for me? I was happy when I got married, I was also happy when I got divorced. Would I do it again? If I felt it was the right thing to do then I would.

To my friends getting married? Congratulations to Neil and Lorna, marriage isn't scary and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

* this happened to me - the friends looking out part, not the lecture part.
** this was a choice I had to make and walked away.

Of creativity and cycling

It's before 9am, my brain has woken up and it is full of ideas, I've no clue what most of them are. I am in that state where you feel potentially ready to achieve things I feel are important to my day, both personal and work related things. I feel like I can come up with creative things, which is great for trying to come up with some music related stuff. The only problem is that if I get interupted that great feeling will go out the window and leave my mind feeling like the shine has been taken off things, and it is often difficult to get back in to that brilliant state of mind. I have found a way to do it, however it takes about 15-20 minutes to do, and you need peace and quiet to do it. Losing that state of mind makes so much seem like a chore rather than a task to take on. It's kind of like writer's block, I really have to force myself to get things done, ideas jar, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to flesh out those ideas. So far this morning I'm still "in the zone".

The bike I got for £20 last year has decided it has reached then end of it's useful life. You read correctly, "it" has decided, not me. In the past month it has become incredibly rusty, paint flaking off and the spokes as well have started going all rusty, brakes had to get replaced, tyres had to get replaced and now the rim of my back wheel has split leaving a bulging piece of metal for about 4 inches, catching on the brake blocks. Rather than get a new wheel, I think it has reached the time for a new bike. Thankfully I don't need anything special, a cheap thing for covering 30 odd miles a week. It means I don't have to spend £60 a week on taxis going to see Joy. I could walk I guess but getting up at 6am to walk for over an hour to get to a station twice a week, is not my idea of fun. To be fair it's the getting up at arse o'clock that I have the issue with as opposed to the walking, I like walking, I should walk more, but that's not always possible at least I cycle so I'm getting exercise, so it's good. Working on the third floor of a building with no lifts, and often going up and downstairs, including to the basement fairly often, always helps.

No news is, err... good news?

When I go on holiday I stop reading and watching the news, not because of some kind of odd ritual or anything. It's just that I forget about it. I forget what's going on out there in the rest of the world. I am on holiday, everything that is part of my monday to friday routine goes out the window. It's nice to have a reprieve from the rest of the world. I no longer sigh and ponder the state of humanity when the Tories are clearly trying to destroy the NHS or people are being slaughtered by their governments. I have my isolated little bubble to live in for a week where I forget about everyone elses worlds and focus on my own. My world is putting on CDs I haven't listened to in years and remembering why I like them or memories linked to them. I actually have time to cook, bake bread, and not feel I'm under pressure to cook dinner as quickly as possible. I can go and have lunch in a restaurant and not feel like I have to wolf my food down, like if I nip out for a pub lunch at work. There are days I'd like to be able to spend more time doing that, if I could afford to take an extra month of the year off unpaid I would do so without even blinking.  I don't mind coming back to work, it's just that being on holiday has made me appreciate things far more. Maybe it's because it alters my perception of time altering or maybe it's  by product of taking time to relax? It's time to burst the bubble, pick up a newspaper and come back into the practical world. Ah well, there's always more bubbles to look forward to.