Gramophone Douchebag

It's sometime between 1991 and 1995 I'm in HMV on Princes Street in Edinburgh, I've walked into a very spacious shop with lilac carpet and white walls, it looks humongous, it feels like it goes on forever. I'm wandering about checking about the import CD singles (ooh look '˜Pictures of You' Extended single remix and '˜Handbuilt By Perverts') and T-shirts that are available ('˜Sheriff Fatman', a massive Ned's Atomic Dustbin logo in orange and fluorescent yellow.) I'm not buying vinyl here, no, if I want that, I'm off searching Vinyl Villains, hunting down 7" and 12" singles by The Cure, Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine, The Wonder Stuff, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Pop Will Eat Itself and Kingmaker. By comparison Vinyl Villains is small, dark and cramped, every inch of space used, notable 7" records and picture discs mounted on the walls, and more prestigious 12" singles and albums hanging from the ceiling.

I loved going round both shops, searching out interesting items, these days Discogs is where I'll find something if I really want it these days, but nothing beats wandering around a record shop to see what treasures I can unearth. It's a shame that HMV stopped being such a place, in the mid 90s, they did some structural work on the building and it was closed for the best part of two years, the Virgin Megastore had been alright, but it wasn't the same, it was dark and dingy but still large, with not as good a selection of stuff as HMV had.

Back to the present, last week I randomly wandered in to escape the office at lunchtime and found it dark, dingy, feeling much smaller than it used to. New albums and DVDs, that was fine, the selection of CDs seeming far smaller than it had used to. I went upstairs and wandered round the DVD boxsets, the entire floor felt cheap and unloved. I'm seeing box sets and films, ultra cheap. Back in the 90s a video with two or three episodes of a TV series would cost about £12-13. It would probably have cost about £50-150 for the whole of a season of an American TV series. Now it's costing £10 for 13+ episodes of a series. Is it me, or do other people get a feeling of devaluation? People stream music and only want to buy one or two tracks, there's the suggestion that the album is dying. Music feels like it's losing it's value, but so are TV series and films, 'œhere have a film out just six month ago, it's only a fiver!' I'm not sure what to make of it, I went back downstairs to escape the depressing air of worthlessness.

I wandered up the back of the shop, where they were now selling vinyl again, new pressings of old classics, The Cure's 'Head On The Door' and a double gatefold LP of '˜Disintegration' caught my eye, pleasantly surprising me, but price tags of £15 and £18 seemed a bit steep. I spotted Blur's 'Magic Whip' LP for £25! Which you might think given my experience upstairs, I am devaluing the art, but for fuck sake! I paid that for a mint copy of the KLF's '1987: What The Fuck Is Going On?'. I have bought vinyl albums by artists on Indie label, they cost £10 or not far above. How can anyone justify £25 for a newly released album, when smaller labels, printing far less copies, without the economies of scale can produce such items, for far less? It's pure greed on behalf of the labels and retailers. Someone needs to remind them that vinyl isn't just for hipster douchebags with gramophones.

FitBawbags

Life has been very busy at the moment, I've got a new job so I've been focused on that. The good news (or bad news) is that the podcasts will be back very shortly!

I live next to a football pitch for a local team. They don't take care of their ground, their fence fell down, they replaced it with fence you see on building sites, but left big wooden fence panels with large rusty nails sticking out of it. This would be fine if it was on their land, but it's not it's in our communal car park. We've been asking them to move it for over 8 months, we've spoken to the council about it too. 

Last weekend one of our dogs ran across said fence and punctured one of her tendons. It's cost around £300 in vets bills, but thankfully she seems to be recovering well. 

You'll notice I've not posted about anxiety in a while, the reason for this is that I'm managing fairly well. Avoiding confrontation is something I've been able to stop doing. My wife and I went over to talk to the "board" of said football club, all three of them. I'll refer to them as Forgettable, Anorak with 'tache and Heart Attack. Forgettable stayed fairly quiet throughout the exchange. The chairman Anorak with 'tache refused to look at my wife in the eyes, as they've fobbed her off for ages with promises of moving the fence and never done anything about it. My wife also gives them a hard time about people goign to the football using our car park. They really don't like her. Heart Attack is named as such as he informed us that he's just come back after recovering from a heart attack. All he seemed to do was stare at his phone when we were talking to him, trying to ignore us and chipping in weak and unhelpful remarks. I love my wife, when she knows she's in the right, she'll take on anyone. I've generally included my small part in this exchange. 

The following excuses were made for not moving the fence.

We've no been able to, we need more than two of us. I've just come back from having a heart attack.

Bollocks I can lift a panel fine, they'd just need to flip it over back onto their land. When mentioned that can you not get help from your players to lift it they're here a couple days a week. There was reaction along the lines that this was an unfathomable solution and that they players wouldn't help.

I'm not sure why Anorak with 'tache thought it was relevant to 

They never answered our question of "To some she might be just a dog, but school kids go past all the time, what if it had been one of them who got injured."

Heart Attack asked my wife what she wanted, she said an apology. Replying in an insincere manner that he was sorry and never once looking up from his phone.

At this point, I decided a bit of confrontation wouldn't go amiss... 

Me: Can you please look at me when you're talking to me? It's really disrespectful to keep playing with your phone while we're having this conversation.

Heart Attack: Ah'm listening tae ye. 

Me: It doesn't look like it, it looks like you're more interested in your phone and that is really disrespectful.

That for a lot of people won't seem like much, but for me that's a massive leap forward. The look on his face was priceless, like a teenager who's cornflakes had been shat on.

My wife then informed them they'd be getting the vet's bill and threatened them with the small claims court. Anorak with 'tache said it would be like getting blood out of a stone.

 

We wandered off after that, but here's the wee survivor in her The Cone of Shame(tm).

Roasterific!

I try not to judge people, I honestly do, but sometimes... yep and I've wandered into similar argument territory of "I'm not racist. but...". I was in Asda recently getting custom made pizzas for tea and there were a couple of scruffy/hard paper round looking blokes in the queue before me. The way one of them talked combined with the facial expression of horror and confusion when he was asked if he wanted any oils* on his pizza. It was a foreign concept to him, and so completely alien he was worried his pizza William Shatner would appear and steal his pizza and beam up to the Enterprise with it.

That made me feel so out of place, here's me quite happy to have garlic oil on my pizza but feeling, not superior, but pity that they seemed so closed minded. It's the inability to embrace an idea, it doesn't matter that it's a trivial matter like pizza. It's that they appeared to be dismissing the concept itself. It was like they couldn't understand why anyone would choose to do that.  They appeared stereotypical for how they were dressed and carried themselves. Pretty much "I agree with what it says in The Sun" types. 

A few days ago I was at a hospital and outside you see some funny sights, extremely haggard 40 a day smokers in dressing gowns and bunny slippers, clearly in hospital for some kind of respiratory illness, outside smoking, and I'm thinking? Just haggard or are they a junkie?

Why am I so bothered about this, I used to be far more judgemental and on sight, assume a lot of people were scumbags, and I was probably right half the time, but I didn't always know and I didn't make 

* They offer garlic, basil or chilli oils, if you're interested

Personal Discovery

From personal experience I often know what I want but need help realising it. Taking a fairly trivial example: Do I want pizza or Chinese tonight? I flip a coin to choose, heads for pizza, tails for Chinese... it's heads, that means pizza. Wait... I feel a little disappointed. I'm thinking about a pizza, imagining how it will taste, but I don't feel that's what I want tonight, I think I'd prefer Chinese, yes that's what I want. I think I wanted Chinese all along, but hadn't realised. 

The use of the coin here is not as a tool to randomly select what I wanted to eat, but to give me an option and allow me to think more about it, and decide if it's really what I want.

I don't know what you believe in personally, and to be honest, unless you're telling other people what to do or not do, it doesn't matter. I think it's possible to use tools like astrology, tarot and I Ching as self realisation tools, and learn about yourself through their use, without necessarily believing in them.

I am respectful of the tools and the processes used to bring about a reading, I feel that if an individual doesn't believe in the esoteric uses of these tools, they can still use them in a similar way to the coin example above. To help give them a different perspective, look closer at a range of decisions or problems to help understand them better and think about their intentions. By the same token, we want those who believe to feel comfortable that we are not taking the use of these tools lightly and are treating those tools respectfully. That way I feel I am fairly accommodating everyone. 

Here's where you think there's a trick, but how much will it cost to use these services? That's up to you, these are being done on a pay-what-you-think-it's-worth basis.

If was going to pay for advice, if it was unhelpful I'd feel aggrieved paying for it. On the other hand if it was useful I'd feel it was worth the money. I'm going to respond to requests for services, create documents, send them back to the user, and let them choose to pay if  a) they think it's worth something b) they can afford it.

If someone does not want to make a donation or cannot afford to, all I ask is that they that they do something nice for someone, walk their dog, make a small donation to a food bank next time they're in the supermarket, help an elderly neighbour garden, something to help someone else out.

There is a Facebook Page here!

This site below will be live as of 16:23 BST on Friday 23rd September. 

Personal Discovery Horoscopes - Offering natal charts, Tarot and I Ching.

*tap*tap* Is this thing on?

I'd been meaning to put a podcast together for about 3 or 4 years, and I never managed to get around to doing it until now. I decided I'd put 5 minute long podcasts that you can listen to while making a cup of tea, with random thoughts, the odd joke and me, well being me.

The idea is that I get things out my head, become more comfortable with the sound of my own voice, become more confident and can try and make something entertaining. Hopefully it will develop into something I really enjoy and get something out of.

It's already taught me, that I pronounce and highlight certain syllables in ways I don't expect, it does not sound the same way it does in my head! It's nice to be able to use it to improve my speech. 

I've put out a few already. One about the fringe while making a cup of tea, the second recorded on a short car journey about kids watching YouTube and bad drivers. The third is thoughts I'd been having about making changes in my life. The fourth which isn't out yet involves ghosts and a bit of spookiness, recording that later so let's hope it goes well!

It's available to listen to here, or you can subscribe via iTunes. 

The 'I Drink Tea' Podcast

Please leave a review, and yes I'm aware of the dodgy audio quality!

It's Written In The Stars

I write my blog to help arrange my thoughts, I write it for me. My wife says she likes them. I share it in case anyone finds something useful in it for them. I've been working on a project, it's not quite ready, but I feel comfortable enough to write about it.

This week something changed, I went to see a couple of shows at the free fringe on my own, which isn't something I do, I always go with other people. There were a couple of shows I wanted to made sure I caught and it's the last week of the fringe, so after work, headed off to the venue, stood around for five minutes, watching three members of staff being confused by several chip and pin machines not working, eventually I got robbed a drink and went to queue early as the show has been really busy. I sat outside in the corridor next to the room happily reading a Fortean Times. Other people started to arrive and I was perfectly comfortable and didn't feel out of place at all.

If I'd been in a similar situation last year, I'd have been anxious, standing, looking around, wondering what people thought of me. Why is he here on his own? Is he a weird stalker? Who comes to a comedy show on their own? I'd not be able to settle, always on edge, feeling uncomfortable, my mind reeling. This year? None of that. I really wish it was possible to develop a simulator to put people in and let them see what some of the range of feelings related to anxiety and depression feel like, because, why outwardly there's not always much to see, the feelings inside can be running riot, or they can be subtly undermining. I find it difficult to try and articulate how that feels to people who haven't experienced such things. I'm really not sure how to explain how pleased with myself I was, I was relaxed and it made me happy and felt like I fitted in.

The show I was queuing for was Ashley Storrie and Other Erotica and I haven't laughed so much in ages, though I notice over the past year or two I seem to be developing a Mutley 'heshh heshh heshh' laugh, which I can't decide if it's cool, or downright bizarre and I should stop it immediately. It's always good to see comedy that fits with my way of thinking. It made me realise we should go see the occasional bit of comedy at the weekends.

I went for a good walk around Edinburgh afterwards and did a similar thing at the next venue, where it was also £4-£5 for a drink. I sat in the beer garden perfectly calm, reading a book and listening to tunes until it was time for the show, Sofie Hagen's Shimmer Shatter. An entertaining show, it made me laugh, but elements of it struck chords with me and personally it was, well I can't think of the word I'm looking for. 'Fulfilling' sounds wrong and 'worthwhile' makes it sound like I didn't think I was going to enjoy it, which wasn't the case. It set me off thinking, to me it seems like, compared to 10-20 years ago, there are more people who think similar ways, have some similar experiences and share them. I realise there were probably always a lot of people like that, but it's far easier for them to identify themselves, stigmas that were previously there were dissolving. I didn't feel out of place and alone, for the second time that day I felt I fitted in somewhere, no remnants of awkwardness.

This would be a great place to end the blog, but I did mention a project I've been working on. It's about astrology now don't go forming opinions, damn to late you probably already have, so what am I doing with astrology. Part of what I do generally in life, is look at things, investigate them (solely for me), then forget or lose interest in them. This time round, that's not happened.

Years ago I watched Dave Gorman's  Important Astrology Experiment on BBC2. I thought it was brilliant and funny. It was something no one else had ever done, yes it was tongue in cheek, but it was fascinating. Move ahead a few years, looking for answers, anxiety and self esteem getting hammered out slowly as what others experience as normality crept it. I started reading about astrology, not daily or weekly sun sign forecasts in newspapers, but from a book I picked up for a couple of quid.  The Ultimate Astrologer by Nicholas Campion. My parents used to have a hardback horoscope book that sat on a shelf in the living room for years. I'd read it when I was 13 or 14, and tried to draw up my own chart and gotten confused and lot in the process, so had abandoned it.

I don't remember what made me decide to revisit astrology buy that book or draw up a chart, perhaps it was desperation to find out more about my social conditioning and behaviour? I started playing with free software on the internet, decided I'd like more functionality, so what I did was I tried writing my own Astrology software, this was great practice for doing more coding, but there were nippy bugs creeping in and it was taking up too much time, so I reverted to other astrology software.

In the near future, I intend to do a more detailed post in the future about what horoscopes are, and what astrology is and isn't. The difference between your horoscopes in newspapers and magazines, vs. a full chart. All I'll say is nothing is written in stone and you've got free will. Whatever your views, I am taking the process of drawing these up seriously. I'm not out to fool anyone or take the piss, I am experimenting. I want these to be as accurate as I can make them. I want someone to look at it with open eyes and agree and disagree, offer feedback, I want these to make people think, to look at the wider world around them.

As part of this, once I have my own chart drawn up, I'm going to look at following it for six months, and keep a diary of what's going on, looking at the best times to do things, and hopefully it will make life more interesting. The idea lifted from Dave Gorman, but done from a full horoscope without going for a comedy element, not sun signs in newspapers. As part of this, I plan on offering natal horoscopes to everyone.

I will soon be launching a website offering these horoscopes on a pay-what-you-feel-it's-worth. After reading your horoscope, if you feel it helps, or makes you think and you feel it's worth something, or if you think I'm bat shit crazy and should be encouraged to stay off the streets because I'm at home writing horoscopes instead then you'll be able to donate some money for it.

If you can't afford it, or don't want to pay, then that's fine, you get a horoscope for free, all I ask is that you go do something nice, help someone carry their shopping, do the washing up, get a couple of items for your local food bank. Whatever it is, do something to benefit others, it doesn't need to be a grand gesture.

Any questions?

Wandering Thoughts/Brain dump

(or The Edinburgh Fringe and some top tunes)

It's very easy to do things when you feel you are in the mood. My general energy levels are up and down, when it's down I can't be arsed and leaning towards wondering why I bother with anything and start to dissect ideas or projects I'm oh so slowly working on and start to pour negativity on them.

Then I get phases like now when I'm happy and upbeat and the world is wonderful and everything has a positive spin. Partly it's the meds and partly it's me trying to change my view on the world and how I think about things. Whereas before if I was to tweet someone or reply to an email, I'd be generally conscious about what I was writing, how I would be seen to come across, would I be seen as a twat, arselicker, idiot, always something negative. Now I can just reply and I am saying what I think or feel without beating myself up about it.

I used to have trouble even expressing ideas to my wife, for fear of thinking I would sound like an idiot, or that she would pull the idea apart. While in reality, she may question, she offers constructive criticism and suggestions. Thankfully the positive days more than outnumber the negative ones. While I'm in a good mood, I'm going to tell you that I have a project I'm working on, which I hope to have the first stage prepared soon, the good news is you can participate when it's up and running. I'll let you know what it is soon.

I'm hoping to start a Podcast soon as well, I can't remember if I have mentioned it or not. It's been an idea that has been brewing for 3 years so I should really get it sorted. For me it's the creating side of things that's important, it's great if it comes out well, but if it doesn't work then, no harm done and at least I've learned something along the way. It may be another 3 years before a podcast emerges but hey, I'm sure I'll get there eventually. This isn't Professional Disorganisation for nothing you know.

It's festival time here in Edinburgh, I fully intend to get along to these shows, which I got into based on their great podcasts.

(The Janey Godley Podcast - Consistantly hilarious)
Janey Godley: An Act of Godley

Ashley Storie and Other Erotica

(Comedian's Telling Stuff & The Guilty Feminist)
Sofie Hagen - Shimmer Shatter

And these...
Limmy - Daft Wee Stories

Kathryn Joseph and The Anchoress (two musical acts, not one)


Do you like music? Of course you do. I've a couple of recommendations for you.

First is guitar based indie pop Kid Canaveral. Their third album 'Faulty Inner Dialogue' is out now. Click the link for a review and stream of the album here so you can go, "That's awesomes, I must buy it." I could try and write about it, but there's a review there that says a lot about it so why not just read that instead. I'm trying to write this on a coffee break and am short on time.

Secondly there is, the new Spray album, Enforced Fun catchy as fuck dance floor beats with sarky and witty lyrics.

If that's not your bag, what about a band named after something from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia ? I heard about this band because Keith TOTP posted about recording their first EP and how it was good, I gave it a listen and agreed. The first track is about surviving mundane office life: Give the whole EP a listen and buy it here: Fightmilk

Until next time, peace out and groovy biscuits!

Reboot 2016

It's been a grim year. Legendary musicians bailed on us, David Cameron gambled on Brexit and it blew up in his face. Right wing wankers are on the rise, the Parliamentary Labour party's right leaning wankers don't like don't like democracy so are trying to unseat their leader against the judgement of their members who overwhelmingly wanted Jeremy Corbyn. The new unelected prime minister Theresa May said she thought the murder 100,000 innocent people with nuclear weapons dealing with a threat was acceptable. Racism is rampant, generally, the current case is one of the stars of the new Ghostbusters film. Some guy getting a reduced charge for raping an unconscious girl because he has rich parents. It's not good people.

Here in the UK, people are still sharing Britain First and equivalent posts with a picture with a quote taken out of context, because they 'agree with the statement'. I'm sure plenty of people agreed with Fred West and Harold Shipman on certain issues such as favourite patio styles or saving the NHS money and what not, but it's not something you go around endorsing is it?

So negative, so miserable, so what can I do to change things? What can I do? Not what can you do or what can we do, but what can I do? Responsibility for change always starts with yourself.

• Write letters to people I feel have had an influence on me in some way or if I've enjoyed their work, it's nice to get a letter. Not sure if it's nice getting a letter from me or not because I've never sent myself one. Maybe I should start?
• Following on from that even though email and tweets can be impersonal, I'm going to send encouraging emails and tweets to people. 
• Leave positive reviews on items and podcasts that I enjoy and rate them, even if it means using the evil of iTunes to do it.
• Something I already do, which I fully intend to continue doing is writing silly and amusing things on the 'notes' or 'additional info' when ordering things on-line. It makes a nice surprise for anyone reading it. 
• Try and doing something creative for myself every day or two.

You've got to try, haven't you?

It's a dog's life.

I'm still not quite sure how I feel about an incident last night. It involved a dog. I had my pair on a lead, and this white staffie off it's lead it's owner about 100 yards looking a bit puggled shouting something I couldn't hear because I had my headphones in.

I took my headphones out as Cassie and Luna stood in front of this other dog wagging their tails and it went for Cassie, really went for her, trying to bite her. Now my touch bounce around and mouth each other a lot, but this was vicious and Cassie was yelping, which she doesn't do with Luna. I was going to kick the staffie in the face, when I saw the owner and her teenage son (who also had a dog running over), so instead stuck my foot under the staffie and lifted it up and backwards. and went to grab the collar, when the owner just beat me to it, shouted at it and battered it over the head a couple of times with a retractable lead.

I checked Cassie, I couldn't see any blood and it she visibly had a fright. The woman was clearly mortified, the dog has slipped it's lead or escaped from their house and she couldn't stop apologising and repeatedly asking me to check my dog. I was surprisingly calm, there was no harm done, and they were clearly worried.

The teenage son said a jarring phrase "She's a friendly dog." I'm thinking really? It just attacked my dog, but I gave the benefit of the doubt, I didn't know the whole story behind their dog, and this purely could have been bad luck.

The woman kept saying about how she couldn't forgive herself if something had happened to Cassie. I assured the woman Cassie seemed OK and had just had a fright, they seemed genuinely concerned. I continued off to the park and let the dogs off as usual. Cassie wouldn't leave my side, until I petted her and reassured her. It took a few minutes, but soon she was off chasing after Luna. We wandered through the fields and up the hill Cassie seemed pretty much back to normal, though I did notice a couple of cuts on her legs, so I took them home and washed and treated the small cuts. She spent the rest of the evening lying in her bed looking sorry for herself, like she's done something wrong.

My wife did ask me if I thought the reason they were so worried, was that the dog would have been put down if she'd mauled Cassie? This had not occurred to me, I was still processing what had happened earlier.

Looking at it from another perspective, how often have my two bounced up to smaller dogs and made the owner shit themselves? One woman picked up her chihuahua and gave me dirty looks, other people with spaniels look a bit worried until they see the dogs are just wanting a chase and seem relieved. It's the curse of having bigger dogs, people assume they're vicious, if a big dog barks, it's vicious, when it's nothing of the sort. We have a problem with the posties, we leave the front door open so the dogs can wander in and out of the house, don't worry our garden is fenced in. If it's a particular woman she comes in to drop off the post and gives them dog treats. If it's the men they stand at the gate and shout "POOOOOSSTTT!" because the dogs bark, they believe they are likely to try and bite them.

I think the issues of is it the breed or is it the owner? Well the answer is both play a part, I believe that some breeds are more predisposed to certain behaviours, and how the owner deals with that dog will influence how the dog behaves. This will mean that sometimes however, even good owners will get a dog that will challenging.

What I don't understand though is, why do people with a dog that has issues, walk it to popular dog places, at times when there is a lot of dogs? They have the right to obviously, but where is the sense in it? The dog will clearly be stressed and surely the increased risk of something bad happening would be enough to go somewhere else or go there at a quieter time?

It was a situation that caught me off guard and I'd like to think I could have stood on the dog quickly and stopped her having a go at Cassie, but that's hindsight, and being in the moment we don't always think of what we'd like to do, so there's no point in beating myself up over it. Thankfully this morning Cassie seems her usual self and was curled up with Luna on our bed when I left for work.

Barking

Are you a cat person or a dog person? I'm both. I never intended on owning either, it just seemed to happen. My dogs are both lurchers, which is a type rather than a specific breed, sighthounds cross bred with something else. Here's how it started.

I'm going to see my friend tomorrow, Star's had puppies.  

Really? You're not coming home with one.

Don't worry, I won't.

The next day mid afternoon the phone rings.

Can I bring a puppy home? She's so sweet, she came and lay next to me, she came back after feeding to sit with me.

I thought you were allergic to dogs, particularly Star?

This dog is smooth coated unlike Star, we talked about getting a dog before, this one has chosen me, all the others are running about mental and this one came over and slept beside me all afternoon. 

*sigh* On one condition, ask if you can take her a couple of days to make sure you and the kids don't end up allergied up to the eyeballs, otherwise you have to take her back.

OK, thank you! 

Yes, but any problems and you have to be allowed take her back, don't  bring her home if you won't be allowed to take her back! I hung up wondering if I'd really just agreed to getting a dog. I was secretly quite pleased, but I didn't want to get my hopes up if it wasn't going to work out.

When previously discussing dogs I'd said I'd easily take a rescue greyhound or something if we were to get a dog. We hadn't done this due to concerns about allergies and them chasing the cats. Lurchers are the ideal kind of dog for us, they're lazy dogs, but enjoy a good run-around.  I arrived home from work that night to see little white puppy, who was very happy to meet me.

Alright, maybe you did the right thing!

Don't worry she won't be sleeping in our bed.

Sure about that?

Definitely! 

Over a year later we have own a large dog who shares our bed and tries to sneakily push me out in the middle of the night. Luna is a cross Deerhound/Greyhound/Saluki/Collie. We generally take her everywhere with us, she has separation anxiety so we try not to leave her too long.

At some point during that year we joined the Lurcher Appreciation Society on Facebook. Regularly there's was posts asking people if they can get dogs of Gumtree marked as "free to good home" as soon as possible. The reason for this being that such dogs are used in dog fighting.

We both decided it would be nice to get a second dog to keep Luna company and to be able to get a rescue or older dog that needed a home. After a couple months of half looking, a dog was put into a rescue not too far from us.

We phoned up the vet that had posted about the dog, got the details of Claire who had rescued the dog. Claire has managed the phenomenal task of rescuing and re-homing over 500 dogs off her own back.

This is Claire's website, please take a wee visit here: http://www.cusidh.co.uk/

The following day I went off with Luna and one of the kids to go and see the dog. The dog was a little smaller than Luna, the two of them seemed to get along ok, she was ecstatic to see people, very friendly, much easier to walk than Luna and we discovered she could jump over a 4 foot high fence, something Luna never does.

The next day I took my wife and other child to go an see this dog to see what they thought. They both liked her and again I took her on a short walk. We had a few days to think about things and I ended up going to pick her up.

Her story is that she was about 9 months old and came to Scotland via Ireland and some travellers. She had been in Wick, someone had tried to train her for hunting (illegal!), but she was no good at it, so she was sold to someone in Fife who also failed to train her to hunt. The man went to dump her and Claire caught him in the act. The following day he had the audacity to come back to ask Claire for the collar back because "it was worth money".

She had been called the highly original Lassie, which Claire had been trying to change to Lass. We took her home and debated over what to call her, settling on Cassie since it was similar so it would make it easier for her to respond to and it's also short for Cassiopeia. Astronomically named dogs in our house. Cassie, we think is a greyhound or whippet/collie/staffy cross.

We've had to do a lot of work with Cassie, it's no been easy the past couple of months, but we're getting there. It's taken her 2-3 months to adjust. She's different to Luna, she was kept in a kennel her entire life, so we had to toilet train her. Which wasn't too bad, I remember how long it took to train Luna, and we got her at 8 weeks! She had little or no recall. We had to put up some trellis to heighten our fence to stop her jumping over it. We took her and Luna to Skye to visit some friends and they both behaved very well and amusingly Cassie slept flat on her back on the bed with her paws in the air all night.

We have to be careful not to leave things lying about as Cassie loves to chew on everything she shouldn't. So wooden furniture gets sprayed with anti chew stuff. Thankfully she has stopped a weird habit that had appeared out of nowhere, when she pee'd on the couch or one of our beds. It would seem this behaviour is relating to wanting to fit in and wanting to smell of 'us'. Don't ask me how that works, I read it on-line it could be bollocks.

My toy!

The past few weeks, she seems to be noticeably more settled and her and Luna love nothing more than tearing about chasing each other around the beach, woods or a field. Luna on the other hand doesn't love Cassie when she's at home and is jealous if anyone gives Cassie attention and not her!

We're gonna need a bigger sofa!

I wonder how we went so long not having them? Walks are great for catching up on podcasts I'm behind on and more importantly clearing my head. Giving dogs that have been in the sea or mud a bath isn't that fun, but Luna entertainingly looks more like a Llama afterwards. They both enjoy going to the pub or visiting other people's homes.

There is nothing better than coming home from work to two dogs bursting out the front door, so happy to see me when I've been out at work all day.

ZzZzZzZZZZzzzzzzz......

Minor Update

While I like the last blog post I didn't manage to convey the intensity of the thoughts going through my head a few weeks ago and appeared more like the random thoughts I think most of us have, unfortunately these were relentless and I didn't get that across as I wanted. Asking yourself seriously if you are capable of making a rational decision is incredibly unnerving, 'What if I'm wrong?', I started to doubt every decision I'd made both recently and in the past and started to undermine myself even more. That's what I wanted to get across, but still feel the post was relevant and I do like how it turned out, I might do a few more in that style when the mood takes me.

Now that's out of the way, here's some random cartoons I made over the past 8 years.

Fame

Spreadsheets

Magic Shoes

Grow Up

Time For A Comic

This is a comic strip about what ran through my head when I had a bad day last week, when I was adjusting to a change in my medication. I've been fine since, but I want to try and convey what it's like when you have thoughts you can't control going in and out of your head. A lot of the thoughts are recurrent throughout the day. along with a song I had stuck in my head and other random thoughts that popped in.

These aren't all normal thoughts on a normal day, I hardly think like this due to the medication. The creeping doubts is the worst part.

MiNE!

I wanted to get more exercise and I needed to motivate myself. I was looking at a the vast array of sports wristbands of somewhat varying prices. One of my colleagues recommended the Mi band. At £13 it's a cheap and cheerful step counter and sleep monitor. A charge lasts 30 days and it can also unlock your phone.*

I've been trying mine for the past week or two. There's an app, it connects the Mi band via Bluetooth and config it from there. I've been setting myself a goal of 18,000 steps a day, a bit over 8 miles. In the past I've usually struggled to reach 10,000, not now though, walking the dogs in the morning and at night allows me to hit that target and sometimes, hitting over 20,000.

The band can vibrate on incoming phone calls and text messages, which is great if you keep your phone in a bag or jacket pocket and don't always hear it ringing. The band can also act as a vibrating alarm. The app can sync to Google Fit. However I picked up Mi Band Notify and Fitness, the PRO version for £1.38 and it presents a more detailed breakdown of steps and sleep. It also allows configuring what apps you want to buzz when they generate notifications.  It also allows you to connect to a heart rate monitor as well should you so desire as well as a few other functions.

I've found the Mi band helps me retain my motivation, partly due to accurately counting steps and at £13 it's cheap, cheerful and fairly robust. I might copy my colleague and get a couple for the kids and connect it to their tablets? Oh you've not walked 10,000 steps? No internets for you until you do!

Click for more info about the Mi Band

* There's a Bluetooth bug in Android Marshmallow 6.0 that stops the unlock feature working, it is fixed in 6.0.1 and works in Kitkat and Lollipop.

Fallen in the trap

I'm a little annoyed with myself. There's a bizarre stubborn streak that insists on being able to do everything for myself and not have to rely on other people. What I should have done was go straight back to the doctor when I wrote that last post. No I thought, I need more rest, I'll be fine, it should sort itself out. Erm... not quite. In fact it was the anxiety starting to take root again. I was thinking I shouldn't bother the doctor as I'd be fine I could wait for the next appointment.

Stupid me. Really I should have gone to the doctor upon returning from visiting friends on Skye a couple of weeks ago. The trigger should have been when I kept having to leave the kitchen because of how I felt. Too many people, too much noise, I regularly wandered out into the garden because I couldn't handle it. Again I thought I'll be going to the doctors in 2-3 weeks so I should just wait as I didn't feel I was in a state where I needed to see the doctor quickly.

Last week my wife, told me to make an emergency appointment and go see the doctor. I did and they doubled my medication. I've been on the increased dose for a few days and already I feel better, having a bit of chat with people serving me in shops instead of smiling and saying very little. 

I am annoyed because I didn't see what was right in front of me, I fell into the trap and started descending the steps again. I'm annoyed because I didn't listen my wife straight away and allowed myself to feel I wasn't important enough to see the doctor as soon as possible. Instead I allowed myself be self aware of what was happening, but allow part of the anxiety to influence my behaviour.

You'd think I'd have learned? Maybe this time.

Podcasts

I listen to a lot of Podcasts, so I thought I'd have a wee review of a few I've been listening to lately. I don't like writing reviews, some seem easy to write, others don't. Are they of a decent quality or not? I don't know, just do yourself a favour and give some of these a listen.

Radio 4's Wireless Nights
Jarvis Cocker narrates together a list of stories and experiences of people who work at night. The background sound will draw you in so it's best to get some good quality headphones and block out the world, lie down in a dark room and immerse yourself in this.

Frequency: Infrequent series
Current Episodes: 16
Average Length: 30 mins
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01sg4kg/episodes/downloads

The Janey Godley Podcast
This is my favourite podcast. The no holds barred Janey Godley and her daughter Ashley Storrie talking about what they've been up to and the state of the world. Janey and Ashley are consistently funny and thought provoking about the issues they discuss, over nearly 300 episodes.

Warning: May include characters such as Dave the paedo ice cream man or tales of THE BOLD ALEC! 

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 288
Average Length: 30 mins
http://janeygodley.podomatic.com/

Welcome To Nightvale
The creepy goings on of a town somewhere in an American desert. It's in the style of a local radio show, updating the residents of Nightvale about what's happening in and around their town. Narrated by Cecil with occasional interactions from radio station interns and some of the towns more unusual residents. The show also features a track by an unsigned artist and slot it in at an appropriate point and it 'The Weather'.

It like Twin Peaks meets the ambience and atmosphere of Radio 4's Wireless Nights. It sits nicely in the middle ground never leaning to far either way being creepy, imposing and comedic. It has also featured guest appearances from Wil Wheaton.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 83 (and some pay what you want live shows)
Average Length: 20 mins
http://nightvale.libsyn.com/

Alice Isn't Dead
This is a new podcast from one of the Nightvale writers, I've only listened to the first one, it was out this week. Not sure about it, premise is good, but language used by the narrator was a little bit grating for me in places. As with anything these things take a while to get used to , so I'll be happily listening in to see where it goes.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 20 mins
http://aliceisntdead.libsyn.com/

Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!)
Comedian Richard Herring interviewing comedians. Off the back of this and his Edinburgh Fringe podcast, I ended up listening to The Guilty Feminist, Janey Godley, The Parapod Mysteries and The Comedian's Comedian as a result of the various people Richard has interviewed.

I've found that it has changed my views on some comedians and made me more tolerant towards people who I thought were unfunny and now find more interesting as a result of talking to them, rather than just their material. Though the 'emergency questions' do start to head towards unbearable territory after a while.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 100
Average Length: 60 mins
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/richard_herring_lst_podcast/

The Guilty Feminist

Comedians Sofie Hagen and Deborah Frances-White perform this podcast live in front of an audience. They set themselves a challenge related to the theme of the show. Themes so far include food, pornography, advertising and apologies and they are also joined by a different special guest each week. It's been really funny so far, so get subscribed.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 5
Average Length: 45 mins
http://www.guiltyfeminist.com/

The Comedian's Comedian
Stuart Goldsmith discusses what it's like to be a comedian with other comedians, unlike Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!), Stuart is more focused on the work side of it, how they develop ideas and how they got started down that particular path.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.comedianscomedian.com/

The Parapod Mysteries
Ray Peacock and Barry Dodds are the hosts of the paranormal podcast, Barry is the believer and Ray the hardline skeptic. I was expecting this to be a nice friendly discussion about strange goings on, debunking myths with some fun poking and leaving some unexplained.

Unfortunately Ray puts the "cock" in Peacock by acting like a complete bell-end most of the time. I realise is there to debunk Barry, he does it in the most irritating way possible. Like a budget version of the torment that Gervais and Merchant dole out to Karl Pilkington. Ray constantly interupts when Barry is explaining a story or premise to make Barry look like a tool rather than have a sensible discussion about it. It would be nice for Ray to allow Barry to build up a story, even let it be a bit spooky, before telling him it's all bollocks.  All is not lost though, you can pick through the info and it does prove interesting and for all his faults Ray occasionally pulls it out the bag by either setting up Barry with or turning up to a ghost hunt in his own Ghostbusters costume.

#TeamBarry

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180 
Average Length: 60 mins
https://player.fm/series/the-parapod

Distraction Pieces
Scroobius Pip conducts in-depth interviews an array of guests from artists, musicians, actors, comedians and activists. Pip offers a unique windows into the subjects that matter to and the lives of his guests. Even if you've never heard of a guest, these podcasts manage to be engaging. Another podcast that manages good solid material week after week.

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.scroobiuspip.co.uk/distraction-pieces-podcast/

Return of the Thing: Anxiety Chronicles Part III

I've been feeling tired and run down the past week or so, fending off whatever the kids have brought back from school this week and needing more sleep. I've started to feel more narky at people at work again. It could be my body adjusting to the medication, but I experienced something odd last week. I was asked to sort out booking a cottage for some friends and sort it. I had a few background concerns, and the fact it needed done quickly and that I was worrying about something else, meant that I ended up sitting at my desk at work with my head in my hands and felt the room was spinning. Why can't someone else do this? Why do I have to do it, it's stressing me out. I'm irrationally worrying about other people's expectations. What if this place is terrible? What will people think? I noticed this and phoned my wife talked to her for a few minutes, then went out for some air and phoned and booked the cottage. 

Something similar happened this weekend, we were planning for Sam's birthday, he wants a party, though he's fighting with some of the kids at school. He wants various things for his birthday, which will involve me taking action to do things. I've got Adam's trip to France with the Scouts to sort out. All things which started piling up and I started to feel anxious about and wanted to run from and have someone else deal with. It's the idea that I am responsible and I have to do these things and I pile an unnecessary and irrational pressure onto myself. I'm still waiting to hear back about the CPN, I've also got another month until I'm due back at the doctors. I need to try and manage it better, it takes 3 weeks to get a normal appointment at my docs, though I am thinking perhaps seeing about an emergency appointment, I'll give myself a couple of days more to see if this is a blip or a genuine concern. There's that doubt about worrying if I'm wasting someone's time creeping back in.

It's not all doom and gloom, I took my dogs an 8 miles round walk to North Queensferry. It was the first time in ages I felt properly focused, I got through four podcasts without my attention drifting. It makes me think about how I need quality time on my own, walking the dogs, playing my guitar, constructing something as opposed to the usual time on my own travelling to work or such. Conversely it says to me I need to balance that quality alone time with  need to be around people. I need to eradicate the "dead time" in my life, such as that hour between getting home and getting my dinner, half watching the TV, randomly browsing the internet, feeling that it is wasted time, or the time between dinner and getting the kids to bed because I don't feel I can settle, this is something I need to work on changing. I want to take that time and do constructive, and take that 30-60 mins and make it worthwhile, even if it is just a bit of housework, tidying up or doing something with the kids.

A photo posted by @thebluesound on Mar 12, 2016 at 3:17am PST

It's not safe to walk the streets!

A tabloid style headline is not the way I'd usually start a blog post. However today's does have a headline, and it's from The Sunday Sport.

For those of you unaware The Sunday Sport is a tabloid newspaper in the UK, generally regarded as having made up stories, it's a somewhat a bawdy publication, which features many images of topless women.

Here is a recent article which features my home town of Kirkcaldy and features a childishly hilarious headline. 

The above image is © The Sunday Sport and is used without permission.

Aside from giving me one of the biggest childish laughs I've had in a long time, it raised a serious issue about wandering about at night in Kirkcaldy. Back in the late 90s/early 00s I would often be on the last train home on a Friday night, arriving back about midnight, or if I got a nightbus from Edinburgh maybe 2am. I would often just walk the two miles from the bus station to my house, walking the length on Hendry Road. Following a discussion with family members it's been noted that apparently these days that would be advised against. The idea that it's not safe to be walking about at that time of night? Can anyone in Kirkcaldy confirm or deny this? Comment below!

Fear - The Anxiety Chronicles (Part II)

Fear has been an integral part of me since I was very young, for years I was convinced when it was dark that there were skeletons hiding behind my parents bedroom door, and would close it as I went past to my room. Fear in more subtle forms was also lurking. I was near petrified of getting shouted at, and often felt that I couldn't do anything right if I got told off for things. It deeply instilled in me the need to avoid conflict. 

This is where it starts, my eldest step-son, I see so much of how I was as a child in him. He does the same kinds of random things and can't explain why. Last year for example, we kept finding the bathroom mirror covered in white smears of toothpaste.  As parents we try to explain why we are annoyed and try not to put him down when he does these kinds of things. It was realising how similar he was to me when I was his age was the catalyst for me.

My problem with avoiding conflict is that anger would regularly seep out as passive aggression. On occasion the pressure built to a level where there would be a sudden outburst. I would be avoided if concerns were raised when various issues would appear.

This way of being, desperately avoiding conflict, not addressing how it makes you feel, not allowing yourself to be angry. express it. The notion that being angry is bad and I must not be like that, and what happens? I ended up being angry in a worse way, I am pissed off moaning to other people about it, not raising it with person or people who matter, which would relieve the situation. Instead it festers and eats away at me. I've been like that for years, all down to fear.

Since my teenage years I was so concerned about someone pointing something out that could be regarded as even 'mildly mocking', I just tried to avoid that. These things ate away at my confidence, it wasn't occasional, it was constant. I felt like I was not someone to take seriously. I worried about looking stupid over the silliest of things. Imagine having to ask someone a question like where something is and not seeing the obvious answer right under my nose, what would they think of me? Irrational and stupid, but that is what anxiety is. I can look back and see where all of this is rooted. I also realise I have a fear of naivety and getting in trouble, and I'm working through both.

Over the years I've loosened up in some respects, grown into myself as it were. I love the feeling of 'normality' that fluoxetine has given me. There are no more days where I want to hide, so it's like me on a good day every day, sticking my head round doors and saying 'Hi!' to colleagues, it is how I should be all the time, it's how I want to be and have done for years.

I've noticed the medication induces far more vivid and interesting dreams. No one likes reading about other people's dreams, they're as dull as dishwater usually, even if mad things happen, or maybe it's just me and my attention span. Never the less what I've found is that, where before there was boring uninteresting things happened, now the dreams are more vibrant and engaging. I had a recent dream where so much happened and I remembered it all in detail, something that never happens. That dream while it put me in a very uncomfortable headspace for 3-4 days, coming out of it I felt more confident, and while it was offset with the dream raising deeply buried issues, that highlighted significant incidents in my past that broke my self confidence. After that dream I started feeling I was becoming free from the remaining shackles of ridiculous self restriction. Putting parts of it to bed. Finally winning some kind of battle. This might not seem much when you read it, but it feels like by subconscious I'm sorting myself out "behind the scenes" and allowing me to address long buried unresolved issues.

The dreams and medication have also give me an insight into myself over the years, I've seen how badly anxiety can affect me, weird quirky behaviour, being unable to let go of issues because I wouldn't face conflict and air grievances, obsession buying things to calm me down. It has taken until now to start accepting myself who I am, despite believing I'd done so in the past, but not noticing the weight attached to my feet. I'm no longer concerned unnecessarily about putting a foot wrong for fear of consequences. 

It might not seem like much, but this is how I had been driven for years, seemingly unable to change. I've noticed when I feel stressed I snack or that I become concerned with finding something to buy. Look at the lovely vinyl I've been buying! Before I was letting it drive me, now I see it and go... no I can wait to buy that. The urgency of "must have now" is gone. I can sit at home at night and I can happily read a book, without feeling I need to check my phone or what's on TV. Now this might sound more like self control but it's not. The anxiety caused weird stress problems where I'd become obsessed or just unable to let a feeling go or the need to buy a particular record, or handy item for around the house that I've thought about buying for month and never bothered, it became a need to get that item.

I've undervalued myself for so long and now I'm in a place where that is turning around, I feel like am actually worth something, worthy of something. It's a rebuilding of my confidence, and it's not a hollow or empty statement I'm making myself believe. I feel it! I feel better within myself, it is a slow path, but it's good as I'm likely to do little seemingly insignificant things, such as comment on Facebook or Twitter and feel I have a valid or funny comment I can make on something, rather than just look at it and let it idly pass by. It's little things like that it allows me to do. Making peace with myself and my past, that feels like the key.

My day to day concerns are that Joy is having good day, that Luna and our new dog Cassie are happy and that the kids are getting along and I'm not thinking 'What's here to disrupt me and possibly get me into trouble"? The other week I felt concerned about how my head is, I was concerned I was getting slightly manic, and feeling the anxiety again from my subconscious digging up long buried items that were never dealt with properly, bringing them to my attention in order to deal with them and it took a good few days to go back to feeling normal. I felt I was not in a place to make a rational decision for a couple of days. That was frightening, I still can't believe I doubted myself that much, it was like any benefit the medication had disappeared. 

When on the other side of those days I actually felt far more confident and happy, as I recognised the issues it raised. I spoke to my doctor about it who chased the CPN, who I can now make an appointment to see. I feel a lot better now, but I will take advantage of this. The problem with mental illness, is that medication helps get you to place where you can start dealing with what is wrong, yes it's possible it's a chemical imbalance, and medication might be all that's needed. For me, and I guess a lot of other people, avoiding the issue makes our problems worse, and needing to talk about, recognise and address these problems. 

I don't know if I have been able to convey the sense of how I feel now, compared to how I had for years. The difference is like night and day. I'm not where I need to be yet, but I am making good progress, there's still rocky terrain ahead, where there's potential conflict to face, but I am better prepared. 

Creative

I thought it was a load of pish that no one looked at unless they were into cakes or 'pretty' things. 
How I was wrong! What am I talking about? Pinterest.

I'd been looking at pedalboard cases and trying to work out if I should buy one or build one, as it's tedious constantly setting up guitar FX pedals if I want to use my guitar. Pinterest was where I found some of the more novel ideas, which also stretched into DIY and I thought... I like that. I could do that. I'm not bad at DIY, I built my own fence and gate from planks and posts, no pre-built panels or gate for me. I've been having a bit of a creative buzz recently. I feel compelled to make things.

It started back in the heart of my KLF binge last year, I wasn't just listening to the music. I was looking at the structure, reading articles and books about the history and methods used. I looked into what Bill and Jimmy are doing now. They continue to create, Bill his paintings, writings and artworks. Jimmy his various artworks and his Aftermath Displacement Principle, which you may know better as the model village from Dismaland. 

Doing this sparked a renewed interest in making things, whether it's music, mixtapes, being arty, doing crafty DIY activities, writing blogs or making something silly for my website, I want to be creating something. Some say that the journey in life is more important that the destination, I suppose I could apply that to this. If something doesn't work, go back try changing it, or scrap it and do something different. It's nice to have an end result that I'm pleased with, but if it's not it doesn't matter I've learned something, move onto the next thing.

I've spent too much time not doing things I want to be, whether it's been playing guitar or bass, sitting randomly making some nonsensical collage or sitting down and writing out thoughts, even if only for myself. In the past I've dismissed doing this "What if I'm not very good at this?" or "What if someone was to read these private thoughts?" Now, particularly the past month I feel I'm moving past this. Also issues relating to time are now more a case of What can I do in the available time? rather than Oh I only have x amount of time I'll do something else.

This weekend for example, the pedal board stopped being an idea and solidified in the real world. Made from a single plank of wood with no instructions just a memory of a design I liked. This for me is change, this is me making things happen instead of letting ideas drift away.

In other news I finally got my paws on KLF 008 R

Some Thoughts From The Evil Step-Parent

I know that once I post this, it is likely that an event will occur that will in some way contradict what I've written. Life finds it amusing to remind me to be flexible as nothing is ever set in stone. 

I have never ruled out having children, I have never really ruled it in either, it's been a I'll-deal-with-it-when-such-conversation-arises issue. I look ahead fifty years from now and see a world nearing the apocalypse. It's even more over populated at 11 billion people. Millions starving, fighting over scraps of food,  forced to turn to cannibalism.  I read an article recently where they suggested the earth could comfortably sustain 1 billion people, so looks like unless there's a few natural disasters we're all doomed.

I have two step-children, who may have to face this potential fictional future. I didn't bring them into this world so I don't feel guilty about the world they'll inhabit when I'm on my death bed. Mainly because I've tried to look after the environment, generally avoid eating fish or animals and I try not to be an arsehole. I can seen them smothering me with a pillow so I'll hurry up and die, just so they have a source of food for the next couple of weeks. As I begin to lose conciousness, I'll look back and wonder if I helped to make the right decisions when raising them.

Back in the present those decisions I'm partly responsible for making? Parenting children is not an easy task, and it differs a bit with step children. With step parenting I don't have the emotional bond that most parents form before, at and after the birth of their child. The bond that gets them through the initial sleepless weeks and stops them handing over their child to a random stranger in a park while they have a sleep on the nearest bench. My bond has been slowly developing over time, I had to learn how to talk and act around them when they wondered who is this new person was. It was a bit being thrown in the deep end, I didn't know how to talk to children, I had to get on with it and hope it was the right thing. I seem to be managing well enough, though sometimes I wonder about they think the line between parent and friend seems to be, wonder if it seems to be more on the friend side than I am comfortable with.

When they are being particularly difficult I wonder what life would be like without them. I wish them no harm, but in rare moment of extreme behaviour I do fleetingly wonder if parents who resort to calming their children through medication perhaps have the right idea, before deciding it's probably illegal to buy Ritalin on-line and and close the incognito tab about it and the other one about adoption. This if I understand, is a common thought for parents. * 

I first met my children when they were two and five years old. I'd had no influence on them until this age, I wonder what effects both positive and negative I might have had on them had they been my own? Would they be the same as now or would they be different in some way?

I don't want anyone reading to think that I am not attached to my children, it took a long while for it to feel comfortable referring to them as 'my children'. I reduced my use of the term "step-children" after I got married last year. I'm aware that while I'm not the biological parent, I see them as my children, I help raise them, I try to steer them on the right path, make sure they eat healthily, treat them fairly, try to ensure they are conscientious,well rounded individuals who don't sit and watch TV and play computer games all day. 

This doesn't mean it's been plain sailing, we arranged counselling for the older one to help him cope with his occasional anger, frustrations at his dad leaving and a lack of confidence. We found after we got married that it helped cement some stability into his life, so he's felt more secure. He's also being assessed at the moment as it's possible some of his behaviour may be unrelated to environmental factors.

One thing that will always be true is that I am not their dad. At this point I see the memes going past on Facebook about how being a parent isn't just biological, there's a whole lot more to it than that. I am aware of that. They don't call me dad except accidentally, they usually call me Douglas, I take those accidents as a sign I'm doing something right. I'm not sure I want them to call me Dad. They see their dad, two or three times a week. To his credit he spends time with them, however he could make far more of an effort and make that time of a better quality. He comes round twice a week after school to see them. He is often sat on the sofa watching the TV and looking at the internet on his phone for an hour or so, he does interact sometimes. He also takes them at the weekend.

Christmas is an odd one. The kids always have gone to their aunt's house (their dad's sister) on Christmas day. who goes to a lot of trouble to do the whole umpteen course set up, smoked salmon, quail's eggs, etc. Previous Christmases I've gone to my parents and my wife has gone with the kids and her ex. We spent until lunchtime with the boys, then go our separate ways. 

2014 was our first Christmas together as a married couple, we decided it would be unfair to the children to not let them go to their aunt's, there was also the expectation they would go. We had recently acquired a puppy, so at lunchtime on Christmas day, the kids went off, my wife and I took our puppy out for her very first walk at Devilla Forest and then returned home and cooked a veggie Christmas dinner and had a very chilled day. We discussed what to do next Christmas, running away to a cottage was one suggestion. It's hard because we're torn between wanting to do something as a family, but at the same time, not wanting to disappoint the kids, who've always had a certain set up where Christmas is involved. To take that away from them would be unfair, so 2015 was a repeat of 2014. 

I like to think we as adults can be entertaining and funny when it comes to parenting. Aside from being labelled as having "dad jokes", I think it's fun to take parenting lessons from Calvin and Hobbes.  I did try telling the kids the world used to be black and white, but my wife was having none of it and was advised not to tell them such as they could go into school and start repeating such as fact. That didn't stop me from trying recently, my wife made a comment about animals crying at the thought of being eaten, the younger child found that comment funny so I said,

"You know the clear juice that comes out of meat when you cut into it? That's it crying!" This was met with hilarity from the seven year old.

The children are generally well behaved except for the odd sugar crash, bout of illness, lack of sleep or some incident at school turning one or both of them into monsters. In other words, just like normal children. If something is causing upset we try and find the root cause to address it. I am thankful that for at least a couple of years I've never had to hear anything along the lines of "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad." These sort of changes are never easy for kids, but at the same time it's been a case of both me and the children learning, having patience and listening to the sagely advice of my wife. 

* If you find something here disturbing, it's more than likely been said tongue in cheek.