Podcasts

I listen to a lot of Podcasts, so I thought I'd have a wee review of a few I've been listening to lately. I don't like writing reviews, some seem easy to write, others don't. Are they of a decent quality or not? I don't know, just do yourself a favour and give some of these a listen.

Radio 4's Wireless Nights
Jarvis Cocker narrates together a list of stories and experiences of people who work at night. The background sound will draw you in so it's best to get some good quality headphones and block out the world, lie down in a dark room and immerse yourself in this.

Frequency: Infrequent series
Current Episodes: 16
Average Length: 30 mins
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01sg4kg/episodes/downloads

The Janey Godley Podcast
This is my favourite podcast. The no holds barred Janey Godley and her daughter Ashley Storrie talking about what they've been up to and the state of the world. Janey and Ashley are consistently funny and thought provoking about the issues they discuss, over nearly 300 episodes.

Warning: May include characters such as Dave the paedo ice cream man or tales of THE BOLD ALEC! 

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 288
Average Length: 30 mins
http://janeygodley.podomatic.com/

Welcome To Nightvale
The creepy goings on of a town somewhere in an American desert. It's in the style of a local radio show, updating the residents of Nightvale about what's happening in and around their town. Narrated by Cecil with occasional interactions from radio station interns and some of the towns more unusual residents. The show also features a track by an unsigned artist and slot it in at an appropriate point and it 'The Weather'.

It like Twin Peaks meets the ambience and atmosphere of Radio 4's Wireless Nights. It sits nicely in the middle ground never leaning to far either way being creepy, imposing and comedic. It has also featured guest appearances from Wil Wheaton.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 83 (and some pay what you want live shows)
Average Length: 20 mins
http://nightvale.libsyn.com/

Alice Isn't Dead
This is a new podcast from one of the Nightvale writers, I've only listened to the first one, it was out this week. Not sure about it, premise is good, but language used by the narrator was a little bit grating for me in places. As with anything these things take a while to get used to , so I'll be happily listening in to see where it goes.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 20 mins
http://aliceisntdead.libsyn.com/

Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!)
Comedian Richard Herring interviewing comedians. Off the back of this and his Edinburgh Fringe podcast, I ended up listening to The Guilty Feminist, Janey Godley, The Parapod Mysteries and The Comedian's Comedian as a result of the various people Richard has interviewed.

I've found that it has changed my views on some comedians and made me more tolerant towards people who I thought were unfunny and now find more interesting as a result of talking to them, rather than just their material. Though the 'emergency questions' do start to head towards unbearable territory after a while.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 100
Average Length: 60 mins
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/richard_herring_lst_podcast/

The Guilty Feminist

Comedians Sofie Hagen and Deborah Frances-White perform this podcast live in front of an audience. They set themselves a challenge related to the theme of the show. Themes so far include food, pornography, advertising and apologies and they are also joined by a different special guest each week. It's been really funny so far, so get subscribed.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 5
Average Length: 45 mins
http://www.guiltyfeminist.com/

The Comedian's Comedian
Stuart Goldsmith discusses what it's like to be a comedian with other comedians, unlike Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!), Stuart is more focused on the work side of it, how they develop ideas and how they got started down that particular path.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.comedianscomedian.com/

The Parapod Mysteries
Ray Peacock and Barry Dodds are the hosts of the paranormal podcast, Barry is the believer and Ray the hardline skeptic. I was expecting this to be a nice friendly discussion about strange goings on, debunking myths with some fun poking and leaving some unexplained.

Unfortunately Ray puts the "cock" in Peacock by acting like a complete bell-end most of the time. I realise is there to debunk Barry, he does it in the most irritating way possible. Like a budget version of the torment that Gervais and Merchant dole out to Karl Pilkington. Ray constantly interupts when Barry is explaining a story or premise to make Barry look like a tool rather than have a sensible discussion about it. It would be nice for Ray to allow Barry to build up a story, even let it be a bit spooky, before telling him it's all bollocks.  All is not lost though, you can pick through the info and it does prove interesting and for all his faults Ray occasionally pulls it out the bag by either setting up Barry with or turning up to a ghost hunt in his own Ghostbusters costume.

#TeamBarry

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180 
Average Length: 60 mins
https://player.fm/series/the-parapod

Distraction Pieces
Scroobius Pip conducts in-depth interviews an array of guests from artists, musicians, actors, comedians and activists. Pip offers a unique windows into the subjects that matter to and the lives of his guests. Even if you've never heard of a guest, these podcasts manage to be engaging. Another podcast that manages good solid material week after week.

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.scroobiuspip.co.uk/distraction-pieces-podcast/

Return of the Thing: Anxiety Chronicles Part III

I've been feeling tired and run down the past week or so, fending off whatever the kids have brought back from school this week and needing more sleep. I've started to feel more narky at people at work again. It could be my body adjusting to the medication, but I experienced something odd last week. I was asked to sort out booking a cottage for some friends and sort it. I had a few background concerns, and the fact it needed done quickly and that I was worrying about something else, meant that I ended up sitting at my desk at work with my head in my hands and felt the room was spinning. Why can't someone else do this? Why do I have to do it, it's stressing me out. I'm irrationally worrying about other people's expectations. What if this place is terrible? What will people think? I noticed this and phoned my wife talked to her for a few minutes, then went out for some air and phoned and booked the cottage. 

Something similar happened this weekend, we were planning for Sam's birthday, he wants a party, though he's fighting with some of the kids at school. He wants various things for his birthday, which will involve me taking action to do things. I've got Adam's trip to France with the Scouts to sort out. All things which started piling up and I started to feel anxious about and wanted to run from and have someone else deal with. It's the idea that I am responsible and I have to do these things and I pile an unnecessary and irrational pressure onto myself. I'm still waiting to hear back about the CPN, I've also got another month until I'm due back at the doctors. I need to try and manage it better, it takes 3 weeks to get a normal appointment at my docs, though I am thinking perhaps seeing about an emergency appointment, I'll give myself a couple of days more to see if this is a blip or a genuine concern. There's that doubt about worrying if I'm wasting someone's time creeping back in.

It's not all doom and gloom, I took my dogs an 8 miles round walk to North Queensferry. It was the first time in ages I felt properly focused, I got through four podcasts without my attention drifting. It makes me think about how I need quality time on my own, walking the dogs, playing my guitar, constructing something as opposed to the usual time on my own travelling to work or such. Conversely it says to me I need to balance that quality alone time with  need to be around people. I need to eradicate the "dead time" in my life, such as that hour between getting home and getting my dinner, half watching the TV, randomly browsing the internet, feeling that it is wasted time, or the time between dinner and getting the kids to bed because I don't feel I can settle, this is something I need to work on changing. I want to take that time and do constructive, and take that 30-60 mins and make it worthwhile, even if it is just a bit of housework, tidying up or doing something with the kids.

A photo posted by @thebluesound on Mar 12, 2016 at 3:17am PST

It's not safe to walk the streets!

A tabloid style headline is not the way I'd usually start a blog post. However today's does have a headline, and it's from The Sunday Sport.

For those of you unaware The Sunday Sport is a tabloid newspaper in the UK, generally regarded as having made up stories, it's a somewhat a bawdy publication, which features many images of topless women.

Here is a recent article which features my home town of Kirkcaldy and features a childishly hilarious headline. 

The above image is © The Sunday Sport and is used without permission.

Aside from giving me one of the biggest childish laughs I've had in a long time, it raised a serious issue about wandering about at night in Kirkcaldy. Back in the late 90s/early 00s I would often be on the last train home on a Friday night, arriving back about midnight, or if I got a nightbus from Edinburgh maybe 2am. I would often just walk the two miles from the bus station to my house, walking the length on Hendry Road. Following a discussion with family members it's been noted that apparently these days that would be advised against. The idea that it's not safe to be walking about at that time of night? Can anyone in Kirkcaldy confirm or deny this? Comment below!

Fear - The Anxiety Chronicles (Part II)

Fear has been an integral part of me since I was very young, for years I was convinced when it was dark that there were skeletons hiding behind my parents bedroom door, and would close it as I went past to my room. Fear in more subtle forms was also lurking. I was near petrified of getting shouted at, and often felt that I couldn't do anything right if I got told off for things. It deeply instilled in me the need to avoid conflict. 

This is where it starts, my eldest step-son, I see so much of how I was as a child in him. He does the same kinds of random things and can't explain why. Last year for example, we kept finding the bathroom mirror covered in white smears of toothpaste.  As parents we try to explain why we are annoyed and try not to put him down when he does these kinds of things. It was realising how similar he was to me when I was his age was the catalyst for me.

My problem with avoiding conflict is that anger would regularly seep out as passive aggression. On occasion the pressure built to a level where there would be a sudden outburst. I would be avoided if concerns were raised when various issues would appear.

This way of being, desperately avoiding conflict, not addressing how it makes you feel, not allowing yourself to be angry. express it. The notion that being angry is bad and I must not be like that, and what happens? I ended up being angry in a worse way, I am pissed off moaning to other people about it, not raising it with person or people who matter, which would relieve the situation. Instead it festers and eats away at me. I've been like that for years, all down to fear.

Since my teenage years I was so concerned about someone pointing something out that could be regarded as even 'mildly mocking', I just tried to avoid that. These things ate away at my confidence, it wasn't occasional, it was constant. I felt like I was not someone to take seriously. I worried about looking stupid over the silliest of things. Imagine having to ask someone a question like where something is and not seeing the obvious answer right under my nose, what would they think of me? Irrational and stupid, but that is what anxiety is. I can look back and see where all of this is rooted. I also realise I have a fear of naivety and getting in trouble, and I'm working through both.

Over the years I've loosened up in some respects, grown into myself as it were. I love the feeling of 'normality' that fluoxetine has given me. There are no more days where I want to hide, so it's like me on a good day every day, sticking my head round doors and saying 'Hi!' to colleagues, it is how I should be all the time, it's how I want to be and have done for years.

I've noticed the medication induces far more vivid and interesting dreams. No one likes reading about other people's dreams, they're as dull as dishwater usually, even if mad things happen, or maybe it's just me and my attention span. Never the less what I've found is that, where before there was boring uninteresting things happened, now the dreams are more vibrant and engaging. I had a recent dream where so much happened and I remembered it all in detail, something that never happens. That dream while it put me in a very uncomfortable headspace for 3-4 days, coming out of it I felt more confident, and while it was offset with the dream raising deeply buried issues, that highlighted significant incidents in my past that broke my self confidence. After that dream I started feeling I was becoming free from the remaining shackles of ridiculous self restriction. Putting parts of it to bed. Finally winning some kind of battle. This might not seem much when you read it, but it feels like by subconscious I'm sorting myself out "behind the scenes" and allowing me to address long buried unresolved issues.

The dreams and medication have also give me an insight into myself over the years, I've seen how badly anxiety can affect me, weird quirky behaviour, being unable to let go of issues because I wouldn't face conflict and air grievances, obsession buying things to calm me down. It has taken until now to start accepting myself who I am, despite believing I'd done so in the past, but not noticing the weight attached to my feet. I'm no longer concerned unnecessarily about putting a foot wrong for fear of consequences. 

It might not seem like much, but this is how I had been driven for years, seemingly unable to change. I've noticed when I feel stressed I snack or that I become concerned with finding something to buy. Look at the lovely vinyl I've been buying! Before I was letting it drive me, now I see it and go... no I can wait to buy that. The urgency of "must have now" is gone. I can sit at home at night and I can happily read a book, without feeling I need to check my phone or what's on TV. Now this might sound more like self control but it's not. The anxiety caused weird stress problems where I'd become obsessed or just unable to let a feeling go or the need to buy a particular record, or handy item for around the house that I've thought about buying for month and never bothered, it became a need to get that item.

I've undervalued myself for so long and now I'm in a place where that is turning around, I feel like am actually worth something, worthy of something. It's a rebuilding of my confidence, and it's not a hollow or empty statement I'm making myself believe. I feel it! I feel better within myself, it is a slow path, but it's good as I'm likely to do little seemingly insignificant things, such as comment on Facebook or Twitter and feel I have a valid or funny comment I can make on something, rather than just look at it and let it idly pass by. It's little things like that it allows me to do. Making peace with myself and my past, that feels like the key.

My day to day concerns are that Joy is having good day, that Luna and our new dog Cassie are happy and that the kids are getting along and I'm not thinking 'What's here to disrupt me and possibly get me into trouble"? The other week I felt concerned about how my head is, I was concerned I was getting slightly manic, and feeling the anxiety again from my subconscious digging up long buried items that were never dealt with properly, bringing them to my attention in order to deal with them and it took a good few days to go back to feeling normal. I felt I was not in a place to make a rational decision for a couple of days. That was frightening, I still can't believe I doubted myself that much, it was like any benefit the medication had disappeared. 

When on the other side of those days I actually felt far more confident and happy, as I recognised the issues it raised. I spoke to my doctor about it who chased the CPN, who I can now make an appointment to see. I feel a lot better now, but I will take advantage of this. The problem with mental illness, is that medication helps get you to place where you can start dealing with what is wrong, yes it's possible it's a chemical imbalance, and medication might be all that's needed. For me, and I guess a lot of other people, avoiding the issue makes our problems worse, and needing to talk about, recognise and address these problems. 

I don't know if I have been able to convey the sense of how I feel now, compared to how I had for years. The difference is like night and day. I'm not where I need to be yet, but I am making good progress, there's still rocky terrain ahead, where there's potential conflict to face, but I am better prepared. 

Creative

I thought it was a load of pish that no one looked at unless they were into cakes or 'pretty' things. 
How I was wrong! What am I talking about? Pinterest.

I'd been looking at pedalboard cases and trying to work out if I should buy one or build one, as it's tedious constantly setting up guitar FX pedals if I want to use my guitar. Pinterest was where I found some of the more novel ideas, which also stretched into DIY and I thought... I like that. I could do that. I'm not bad at DIY, I built my own fence and gate from planks and posts, no pre-built panels or gate for me. I've been having a bit of a creative buzz recently. I feel compelled to make things.

It started back in the heart of my KLF binge last year, I wasn't just listening to the music. I was looking at the structure, reading articles and books about the history and methods used. I looked into what Bill and Jimmy are doing now. They continue to create, Bill his paintings, writings and artworks. Jimmy his various artworks and his Aftermath Displacement Principle, which you may know better as the model village from Dismaland. 

Doing this sparked a renewed interest in making things, whether it's music, mixtapes, being arty, doing crafty DIY activities, writing blogs or making something silly for my website, I want to be creating something. Some say that the journey in life is more important that the destination, I suppose I could apply that to this. If something doesn't work, go back try changing it, or scrap it and do something different. It's nice to have an end result that I'm pleased with, but if it's not it doesn't matter I've learned something, move onto the next thing.

I've spent too much time not doing things I want to be, whether it's been playing guitar or bass, sitting randomly making some nonsensical collage or sitting down and writing out thoughts, even if only for myself. In the past I've dismissed doing this "What if I'm not very good at this?" or "What if someone was to read these private thoughts?" Now, particularly the past month I feel I'm moving past this. Also issues relating to time are now more a case of What can I do in the available time? rather than Oh I only have x amount of time I'll do something else.

This weekend for example, the pedal board stopped being an idea and solidified in the real world. Made from a single plank of wood with no instructions just a memory of a design I liked. This for me is change, this is me making things happen instead of letting ideas drift away.

In other news I finally got my paws on KLF 008 R

Some Thoughts From The Evil Step-Parent

I know that once I post this, it is likely that an event will occur that will in some way contradict what I've written. Life finds it amusing to remind me to be flexible as nothing is ever set in stone. 

I have never ruled out having children, I have never really ruled it in either, it's been a I'll-deal-with-it-when-such-conversation-arises issue. I look ahead fifty years from now and see a world nearing the apocalypse. It's even more over populated at 11 billion people. Millions starving, fighting over scraps of food,  forced to turn to cannibalism.  I read an article recently where they suggested the earth could comfortably sustain 1 billion people, so looks like unless there's a few natural disasters we're all doomed.

I have two step-children, who may have to face this potential fictional future. I didn't bring them into this world so I don't feel guilty about the world they'll inhabit when I'm on my death bed. Mainly because I've tried to look after the environment, generally avoid eating fish or animals and I try not to be an arsehole. I can seen them smothering me with a pillow so I'll hurry up and die, just so they have a source of food for the next couple of weeks. As I begin to lose conciousness, I'll look back and wonder if I helped to make the right decisions when raising them.

Back in the present those decisions I'm partly responsible for making? Parenting children is not an easy task, and it differs a bit with step children. With step parenting I don't have the emotional bond that most parents form before, at and after the birth of their child. The bond that gets them through the initial sleepless weeks and stops them handing over their child to a random stranger in a park while they have a sleep on the nearest bench. My bond has been slowly developing over time, I had to learn how to talk and act around them when they wondered who is this new person was. It was a bit being thrown in the deep end, I didn't know how to talk to children, I had to get on with it and hope it was the right thing. I seem to be managing well enough, though sometimes I wonder about they think the line between parent and friend seems to be, wonder if it seems to be more on the friend side than I am comfortable with.

When they are being particularly difficult I wonder what life would be like without them. I wish them no harm, but in rare moment of extreme behaviour I do fleetingly wonder if parents who resort to calming their children through medication perhaps have the right idea, before deciding it's probably illegal to buy Ritalin on-line and and close the incognito tab about it and the other one about adoption. This if I understand, is a common thought for parents. * 

I first met my children when they were two and five years old. I'd had no influence on them until this age, I wonder what effects both positive and negative I might have had on them had they been my own? Would they be the same as now or would they be different in some way?

I don't want anyone reading to think that I am not attached to my children, it took a long while for it to feel comfortable referring to them as 'my children'. I reduced my use of the term "step-children" after I got married last year. I'm aware that while I'm not the biological parent, I see them as my children, I help raise them, I try to steer them on the right path, make sure they eat healthily, treat them fairly, try to ensure they are conscientious,well rounded individuals who don't sit and watch TV and play computer games all day. 

This doesn't mean it's been plain sailing, we arranged counselling for the older one to help him cope with his occasional anger, frustrations at his dad leaving and a lack of confidence. We found after we got married that it helped cement some stability into his life, so he's felt more secure. He's also being assessed at the moment as it's possible some of his behaviour may be unrelated to environmental factors.

One thing that will always be true is that I am not their dad. At this point I see the memes going past on Facebook about how being a parent isn't just biological, there's a whole lot more to it than that. I am aware of that. They don't call me dad except accidentally, they usually call me Douglas, I take those accidents as a sign I'm doing something right. I'm not sure I want them to call me Dad. They see their dad, two or three times a week. To his credit he spends time with them, however he could make far more of an effort and make that time of a better quality. He comes round twice a week after school to see them. He is often sat on the sofa watching the TV and looking at the internet on his phone for an hour or so, he does interact sometimes. He also takes them at the weekend.

Christmas is an odd one. The kids always have gone to their aunt's house (their dad's sister) on Christmas day. who goes to a lot of trouble to do the whole umpteen course set up, smoked salmon, quail's eggs, etc. Previous Christmases I've gone to my parents and my wife has gone with the kids and her ex. We spent until lunchtime with the boys, then go our separate ways. 

2014 was our first Christmas together as a married couple, we decided it would be unfair to the children to not let them go to their aunt's, there was also the expectation they would go. We had recently acquired a puppy, so at lunchtime on Christmas day, the kids went off, my wife and I took our puppy out for her very first walk at Devilla Forest and then returned home and cooked a veggie Christmas dinner and had a very chilled day. We discussed what to do next Christmas, running away to a cottage was one suggestion. It's hard because we're torn between wanting to do something as a family, but at the same time, not wanting to disappoint the kids, who've always had a certain set up where Christmas is involved. To take that away from them would be unfair, so 2015 was a repeat of 2014. 

I like to think we as adults can be entertaining and funny when it comes to parenting. Aside from being labelled as having "dad jokes", I think it's fun to take parenting lessons from Calvin and Hobbes.  I did try telling the kids the world used to be black and white, but my wife was having none of it and was advised not to tell them such as they could go into school and start repeating such as fact. That didn't stop me from trying recently, my wife made a comment about animals crying at the thought of being eaten, the younger child found that comment funny so I said,

"You know the clear juice that comes out of meat when you cut into it? That's it crying!" This was met with hilarity from the seven year old.

The children are generally well behaved except for the odd sugar crash, bout of illness, lack of sleep or some incident at school turning one or both of them into monsters. In other words, just like normal children. If something is causing upset we try and find the root cause to address it. I am thankful that for at least a couple of years I've never had to hear anything along the lines of "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad." These sort of changes are never easy for kids, but at the same time it's been a case of both me and the children learning, having patience and listening to the sagely advice of my wife. 

* If you find something here disturbing, it's more than likely been said tongue in cheek.

Stacks

It was a sunny day in the garden. There was a slight breeze. Donald the mutant haystack was wet again from the rain the previous day. He was starting to dry out. Donald enjoyed feeling the warm sunshine on his hay. 

However as the weeks passed Donald started to become angry and unhappy. The rabbits who used to visit him and talk to him all day, were now avoiding him. He knew they were avoiding him because he could see them over in a neighbouring field. He shouted over to them but they ignored him. Donald didn't like being ignored. Being ignored made Donald angry.

The birds in the garden had also started avoiding Donald. It started one day when he said to a bird who asked Donald if she could borrow a few strands of hay to line her nest for the winter. Donald would normally say yes to such a request, not today though.

"You see the brown cow over in the field. It wanders around eating grass as it pleases, fed food and water by the farmer and it gives nothing back! That cow is like you, a freeloader! What have you ever done for me?"

"You have often thanked me for the friendship I offer and the long talks we have." replied the bird.

"You think that is a suitable payment?" Donald scoffed.

"If that's the way you feel. I shall no longer burden you." She flew off into the distance as a tear rolled down her beak and dropped onto the ground.

For the next few days Donald sat alone with his thoughts in a field. He knew he had upset his friend, but he didn't seem bothered by it. Donald was more angry that he was being ignored again. What Donald had to say to people was important, and if they didn't want to listen, he'd tell them anyway! How could they improve if he didn't tell them how! His opinion was the most important thing in the world, how could the bird not see that?

Why had Donald grown to become so angry and self-important? You see, the farmer had forgotten about Donald. He'd been taken ill for a few months, so there was too much work for the farmer's family to do. They left the field Donald was in as they had stored plenty of hay for the winter. As the frequent rain had soaked Donald to the core, that core had become soggy and unable to properly dry out begun to rot. It has also started to rot his brain. Where he had been happy, charming and helpful, he was now miserable, grumpy and spiteful. 

No one visited Donald, he continued to rot until next autumn by which time parts of him had been blown across the fields. The misery that remained smelled foul, the farmer who was now feeling back to his old self, ploughed the field Donald was in, what was left of him was mixed into the soil.  

The next spring, no crops had grown in that field. It would turn out that nothing would ever grew in that field again, such was the power of Donald's hate and bile. It had mixed into the soil and spread, poisoning the field so not even weeds would grow. In the end, having no use for the field. The farmer sold the field and it was turned into a deluxe sewage works.

THE END