Xmas 2015 Compilation

Here is the info on my Xmas compilation for 2015. This has very little to do with Christmas and more what I've been listening to this year. This time around I've made two versions, one suitable for those out there with children, the other I've included a whole load of nonsense in between tracks which is hopefully entertaining.

Full Version: https://www.mixcloud.com/idrinktea/xmas-2015-compilation/
Child Friendly Version: https://www.mixcloud.com/idrinktea/xmas-2015-compilation-child-friendly/

DJ Shafter
Horrible unpleasant 'local' DJ at the bowling club.

Turmeric Marketing Board

My wife and I spotted one of those pictures with "wisdom" going by on Facebook and it said basically you don't need steroids, you can take turmeric instead and it'll have the same effect. As you might expect, there's no reputable source for this, there are some questionable ones which also make claims that it's anti inflammatory and a natural painkiller. Now I can accept that the supposed research may show some component in turmeric has specific properties which could be refined in the future. What I object to is the "here use this natural substance instead of.,," what ever medication. If my wife has to go to the out of hours service at the hospital, because she's got a cold and it inevitably, causes a chest infection for which she requires antibiotics and steroids, In such a scenario turmeric is not going to keep her breathing.

Deek Williamson

Sadly the venue we got married in closed down this year, We went to the closing party and there was some rambling old bloke banging on about his mate who was now dead, how he had such an amazing voice. He regaled a long and rambling story about how his mate often walked home after a couple and would sing and how amazing it was, and how terrible one night the police were called and he got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. He kept harping on about what a crime this was, and sang a dreadful song. I thought it would be fun to change the story a bit and had a go at parodying him. I've no idea what his or his mates names were.

Gary's Agent
It's a pun based on Gammon and imagining someone trying to get it used in for advertising.

The Music
It's been a KLF heavy year for me, which is reflected in the track list, with a usual dip into the past for a few bits and pieces.

Full Track Listing

01. Intro by Sponsor and DJ Shafter
02. Last Train To Trancentral Intro Mix by The KLF (mixed  by  me)
03. Last Train To Trancentral (Extended) by The KLF
04. Chorus (Pure Trance Mix) by Erasure
05. For A Moment ('Lost' Demo) by Jesus Jones
06. Robots FTW by Aperture Science Psychoacoustics Laboratory
07. DJ Announcement - Car by DJ Shafter
08. Ich Bin Ein Auslander (Die Krupps Mix) by Pop Will Eat Itself
09. I Don't Own A TV by Akira The Don
10. Jesus by Akira The Don
11. Introducing Turmeric by idrinktea
12. U Never Know A Good Thing Til U Lose It by The Dream Warriors
13. 3.A.M Eternal (Original) by The KLF
14. 101 Rainbows (Ambient Mix) by Caustic Window
15. The Fear (Edited) by Pulp
16. Deek's Ramble by Deek Williamson
17. Deek's Song by Deek Williamson
18. Think Turmeric by Turmeric Marketing Board
19. Felt Up by DJ Shafter
20. Unknown by The Littlest Hobo Theme
21. She Said, She Said by The Beatles
22. Gary's Agent by Gary's Agent
23. Turmeric for Depression by Turmeric Marketing Board
24. Madrugada Eterna (Video 303 Edit) by The KLF
25. Shut Up Mum by Gary Le Strange
26. Nigel Revisited by idrinktea
27. 3.A.M Eternal by The KLF vs, Extreme Noise Terror
28. It's Grim In The North by idrinktea
29. Outro Message by Dougie

(The Akira The Don tracks form part of the medley 'The Life Equation' by Akira The Don)

Donation

On my way into Tesco to pick up a few bits and pieces this morning. I saw a woman ahead of me blanking one of the food bank volunteers on their way into the shop. No sign of a declination, completely ignoring the volunteer.  I took the list from them advising of items they were needing.

Off I went occasionally grabbing some of the needed items as I wandered the aisles. I was picking up two or three of each item, as they seemed relatively inexpensive. What got me when I went out to the food bank volunteers and started putting items in their collection, they were grateful, but seemed a little taken aback when I said, there's more after giving them about five or six items. I proceeded to keep giving them more, every time they thought I was finished I kept giving them more items. It seemed to be so unexpected for them, I guess a lot of people put a couple of items in which is great, but I was in a position to do more so I did.

As I said to the woman, "It's the festive season, and if it make's someone's life easier, all the better." They seemed pleasantly surprised that someone had made this effort. I believe it was the right thing to do, what confuses me, is if someone can afford it, then make the effort and help out someone less fortunate than yourself? It would seem my actions are not as common as I might have expected? I was able to afford it this month, so it didn't bother me.

I'm not looking for a pat on the back. The reason for this post is simple, in a week of closed bridge and bombing the shit out of Syria, food banks are still out there, and some people rely on them as the result of a twisted and cruel government. Food banks might not have been on the news recently but they're still out there, and they still need donations. Even though this will be a tight month for a lot of people, if you can, please donate to a local food bank, even if it's only a couple of items. It's a necessity for some, please remember making a donation this Christmas and use that memory to keep donating in 2016.

Floops - Anxiety and Coping with it.

*Warning - Lengthy Post, Anxiety and Coping With It.*

I was recently signed off work for a few weeks. I'd been getting so wound up at work. It had been building for a few months. I didn't think it was that big a thing. For years when I've started to need a holiday, I begin to get increasingly irritable, I start to compose blunt responses to emails, my tolerance of interruptions and I find it harder and harder to deal with people. This time was different.

It began the same way, except two or three months ago, I started feeling that I didn't want to go to work, that feeling slowly began to grow. I worked from home one day, I was so much happier, no people around to distract or annoy me. Yes I could still get annoying emails, but I felt much more chilled, but something still wasn't quite right. Normally when I was alone in my office, I was fine, I'd whack some tunes on and close the door and crack on with work and feel like I achieved a lot. Not now, on my own in my office I felt more under pressure to do work. During this time though I started to over think. I would feel anxious and feel I needed out of work. I was also worrying I wasn't achieving enough at work, and I'd somehow be "found out".

There had been an office meeting, where the use of headphones had been banned and a dress code laid out. In my head I took this really to heart, and quite badly. I'm always using my headphones, I usually wore wear jeans (albeit black ones) every day and did my own unofficial jeans (usually dark blue) and t-shirt dress down Friday. The removal of casual Friday didn't bother me, I became more wound up because no one had come to me and had a polite word. I started worrying because some of my work wear wasn't jeans but might look like them. I strangely felt both angry and scared at the possibility of getting into trouble. I would react on feeling to events and people rather than assessing them for what they were.

The headphones issue really wound me up, I listened to music and podcasts every day while working on things when I needed to block out the world and crack on, now I'm being told I wasn't allowed to do so. In reality, my work hadn't wanted to single people out so did it as a group, the problem had never been me. It had been the receptionist who sat with her headphones in all the time. A public facing role, and they had not been behaving appropriately, her manager didn't want to confront her directly so had used this office meeting as a means of getting her member of staff to behave without coming across as 'the bad person.'  

While I'm looking at it rationally now, at the time I wasn't. I was withdrawing into myself more and more, I was avoiding people, I didn't stick my head in offices to say hello and catch up. I hid at my desk and didn't want to go out.

At home I was withdrawing more, without realising, one of my friends had noticed and mentioned it to me the day I went to the doctors. I seemed far quieter and less like myself and was concerned. It was actually four months previously that signs that something wasn't right with me raised their head. It was during the summer holidays, towards the end of a week's holiday that I had the only argument I've ever had with my wife in nearly 5 years. The week before I'd bluntly replied to an email of someone I was tired of constantly telling the same thing. This resulted in my manager talking me to the pub for lunch and we had a friendly and constructive chat about how I'd been lately, I apologised and put it down to needing a holiday. 

Fast forward to a month ago, I'd had a really bad Monday and Tuesday, I'd been narky and feeling really low, I was off on holiday at the end of the week, so I was focusing on that. The project we'd been working on wasn't moving forward, I felt it was my responsibility it hadn't. In reality there was nothing I could do to speed it up, and no one was holding me responsible at all. 

I'd had a few odd moments where I felt quite emotional, almost tearful a couple of times. I started to acknowledge there was something wrong, because I only get like that when I'm getting emotionally hammered for whatever reason. I talked to my wife about how I was feeling again I felt I needed a holiday. At lunchtime on Wednesday when my manager went off to his conference, he'd tried to help me by telling me not to let myself get so wound up by people while he was away. I said I'd felt miserable this week and he tried to say positive thinking it was me just needing a holiday.

After he left, I went for a long walk at lunchtime, my brain wouldn't stop thinking. I was anxious, stressed, run down and I couldn't shake the low feeling I had. I started thinking about something unpleasant, images came into my head. What if I put a carrier bag on my head? The vivid scene of a bright orange Sainsbury's thin carrier bag held tightly over a head, you would see contours of the face. The carrier bag moving in and out of the mouth with each breath. I had to get back to work get through the next couple days, the finishing line was in sight, get to Friday 5pm and I'm on holiday. The plastic bag image scared the living shit out of me. I would never do it, but the thought that I could easily pass out and die quietly, seemed almost comforting. I headed back to work. 

I'd been in about 5 minutes and was sat at my desk trying to get my head together and assemble my thoughts, feeling horribly emotional holding back tears, needing to be alone to pull myself back together. At this point, the HR director sticks her head around the door to check on me setting something up in the next hour and realised something was wrong. I broke down. I talked about the anxiety and stress I'd been under for well over a year since my old manager got put in the ejector seat. I said nothing about the carrier bag. I said I'd see the doctor next day.

That night at home I felt fine, and everything that had happened seemed like a dream. I thought I'd been a complete idiot, then my wife walked through to the kitchen, I was on my own and I started feeling weird, a little low, but definitely not right. 

It takes three weeks to get an appointment at my doctor's surgery, so the only way to get one quicker is to phone up at 8am and make an emergency appointment. The receptionist put me through to a nurse, to screen the call to see if it was worthy of an appointment. I felt stupid calling up, like I was wasting time, like I was going to be talking an appointment off someone more deserving or more in need than me. It was when I had to describe my issue to the nurse, it hit me again, I knew I was not right, and the nurse made an appointment for me. 

Again when I left the house to go to the doctor I started feeling like I was wasting someone's time, then when I spoke to the doctor, again I realised I was not wasting their time. I had a long and constructive talk with the doctor, who signed off me work for 'Anxiety with depression' and gave me a prescription for Fluoxetine. I said to the doctor I wanted some counselling out of this as well. Why not treat the root cause as well as the symptom? Dealing with my irrational fears. The only people I told about the plastic bag were the nurse, the doctor and my wife.

During my time off I realised how much pressure I'd put on myself, partly. For months I was always on the go, always have to achieve something, always trying to make sure whatever I was doing felt worthwhile. I was able to stop. Simply stop. There was no pressure on myself to do something. I was able to walk away from an issue. I could let it drop. 

I learned I operated on fear every day I was worrying about ridiculous things. What would I get in trouble for? Irrational thoughts that were indoctrinated in childhood, a fear of getting into trouble. Fear of getting things wrong, desperate to avoid being told off, that would result in me "not feeling good enough" and that I couldn't do anything right. These things feeding into how I'd felt since late summer 2014, all of this constantly feeding my insecurities, slowly piling up, day on day.

Always feeling I was responsible and had to make things at home and work run smoothly, not expressing my own opinions, for fear of upsetting other people, except in anger, this feeding the anxiety and stress because there was no outlet. Reacting to events, and being wound up but not know why I felt so strongly, and why I couldn't control why I felt like that. Not being able to let anything drop. Everything slowly eating away at me. My mind constantly presenting me with these things and I couldn't get away from it, I couldn't just "not think about it." It might get peace from myself for a few hours, but then something that annoyed me would make it's way back up to the top of the pile and dance around. 

Then there's obsessive behaviour, imagine never being able to take a step back from a situation to look at it from another perspective? That's how I was, caught in a sinking spiral. I felt I had no control over my own life, so irrationally I tried to control things in my life that I felt I should be able to. This was causing me to be grumpy and irrational at work and wanting to withdraw from being around certain people.  

Out of this, I became fully aware that for at least 20 odd years I've had low level anxiety lurking in the background, it's raised it's ugly head a few times and has many time influenced decisions I've made and how I've behaved and I've hated it.

The tablets have helped massively, far more than I thought they would. They've enabled me to take a step back and chill out and look at things from a different perspective. Where I once even on good days always be worried, that maybe people might think less of me, or someone might judge me over something less than trivial. Perhaps thinking I recognised someone, but don't want to say hello in case it's not them. Talking to someone on the phone on the train and being concious that the passengers around you can hear you and judge you, never being able to feel comfortable in such situations. All of that is gone. That's when I realised I'd been like this for years. 

What's left behind is habitual. I can see that now. I recognise how I would act before in a situation and can choose to do something else rather than do what I would out of habit. It's only been possible because the anxiety has been removed.

In the past few months I developed an obsession for collecting KLF vinyl. I had to buy these, I was compelled to get them and I had a few perfect opportunities to get some rare stuff, which even if I was fine I still would have taken. However the drive to get stuff has fallen away, I still am collecting things, but the sense of urgency and pressure to do it all "now" has gone. I wish I could accurately convey how it feels to have those feelings fall away. This and other obsessions when thoughts wouldn't leave me alone have all been tied to this anxiety. It's been bad when either disagreed with choices people have made or if I've thought someone is a dick due to their behaviour and been unable to let it go. It's a horrible place to be because you don't want to be an arsehole, but at the same time, you can't let go of something, and it takes far longer than it should (a few months rather than a few days) to get around to being able to drop something. 

The best way I can try and describe how I feel without the anxiety is, imagine you go somewhere, the pub, a party or where ever and you have a few drinks. You feel more relaxed chilled and you feel more like the person you want to be all of the time. You don't worry, you feel more confident that usual, not too much to be an arse, but enough to be the person you want to see yourself as.That's how I now feel, so much less bothered by the world, I'm a bit less focused and more on autopilot for some things.

I am now feel more in control over my own life. I don't feel as compelled as I used to, where I always felt I had to be doing something. I can stay in bed until lunchtime on Saturday, rather than being compelled to be out the door at half 9 to go round the supermarket and planning the day out in advance in my head. I can switch off, I seem to tire more easily and am possibly a bit lazier. However I feel far happier, there is no weight on my shoulders. I'm repeating myself saying the same things in different ways, it's only because I clearly express how different I now feel. 

Another thing I've noticed is that I've stopped blurting things out, and been more diplomatic. I felt the need to say too much. Rather than, "Right, I'll do that" I'd mention something related that would then cause some office politics and I'd sit through someone having an annoyed rant about something I didn't give a toss about.

I've written a couple iterations of this post, partly to get it out my head, partly because I want to tell people and partly because I don't want to keep recounting it to people. I thought this would be a more coherant, thought out sensible version rather than me telling it and forgetting bits. I didn't know if I should share this as a post of keep it private, but I've nothing to hide, I have friends I am comfortable discussing what's happened with, so why not?

I talked to people all the way along, yet I and they still didn't realise how serious things were. I was lucky I realised and got help. There are people out there, who don't talk, don't realise and don't get help. Never feel bad asking for help, it's easier to say than do, and like me you might try and dissuade yourself. Just ask, it's hard, but try.

How I am now, is this what passes for normal? Who knows, but If anyone has a non-bootleg copy of Pure Trance 5 - Last Train To Trancentral (KLF 008R) they want to sell me, let me know :)

Blog/Website Updates

For the past few years, I moved my blog to my website Professional Disorganisation I decided to ditch it when I redesigned the website to try and make it funny rather than what I felt was bland. I showed my wife the new website, who complained the blog wasn't there as she liked reading it, probably because I'm more likely to write things that I don't think about saying. She said she wanted it back. So I thought I can't go through frustratingly weird css/html formatting of a blog, so why not just link to an existing one?

If I can still access some of the posts from 2012-2015 I'll transplant them here. For now onwards and upwards.

I'll leave you with this: Your Cat On Drugs!

Brain dump on recent events.

I've been quieter of late because I have had shedloads too much to do. For over a month I've been in the midst of a DIY frenzy which has seen me decorating, laying floors and building and fitting a new kitchen. I've also had my girlfriend and her two children move in with me, we're still sorting out stuff two weeks after moving in, there's boxes and bags still all over the place, although you can now move in the kitchen and living room. We've been making decisions such as what to do with all the items that there is now an excess off mugs and glasses. We're getting there, though it'll probably been another couple of weeks before everything else is done. There's still a bit of painting to do and a couple of floors to lay and the insurance company need to fix my bathroom floor. It's nearly done. 

Through this I have learned that basic plumbing is relatively simple and straight forward, the reason that I need an electrician to check the installation of my oven and hob is actually to do with it being in the same room as a water supply. I also started wondering why I own books, yes they're nice and I like them and they take up more space than CDs, but most of the I could have in eBook format, and to be fair only a few are actually rare enough to warrant keeping. I don't think I'll really ever re-read them, maybe the odd one, what could do with is a facility to swap a physical book for an eBook version of it. As for my CDs, ever since I put them on display I've listened to them more, and a good chunk you can get mp3s of but it doesn't account for those that are out of print, been deleted or the limited editions. Problem with electronic music is one hard drive crash and it's away, at least with eBooks on Amazon, they keep note of what you've purchases and let you access them again. Also you don't get the artwork or a nice booklet with an mp3.

Then there are the children, I have "inherited" a seven year old and a four year old. Yes I've known them for nearly 2 years, I've spent a lot of time around them, I'm aware of what I say and how I phrase it, I also know that they're good, they are angels and it's rewarding. However on the flip side, when one of them is tantruming refusing to eat their dinner because it's "yucky" or if one of them is releasing an ear piercing, mind bending scream because they've decided they're not getting what they want to do, in the heat of the moment, it is on the odd occasion very difficult not to want to get them put up for adoption. It's a bit like when kids tantrum, it can last for up to an hour, but they come out of it, apologise and everything seems back to normal, so too my patience returns and life continues on again. It can be difficult to try not to be wound up in the first place, especially when you leave the room for two minutes to make a cup of tea and the two of them start bickering over something either because they've been couped up due to the awful weather or they're not feeling so well or boredom has kicked in.

It's good know that whatever they get up to they are good kids, somewhat trying at times, but then so are all children. I know I used to be exactly the same way. They also take up a chunk of my time, no longer at the weekend can I get up at 10am wander through the living room, chuck on Saturday Kitchen and hope Anthony Worrall Thompson is a guest so I can shout 'Beard Salad' at the TV and then potter about playing computer games. It's similar to a week day, up at some point between the usual 6:45am and if I'm lucky, I might get to sleep in until 8. Wander through stick on some children's channels and go back and lie awake in bed for a while, before getting asked to make breakfast by little people. It's then time to fish out my work laptop and potter about on it for the next hour or so, either catching up on TV or pottering on the internet for a bit. And do you know what? I don't actually mind at all, I'm quite happy with it, then again lack of sleep doesn't affect me too badly. We are fortunate that the kids go and stay with their dad at the weekend, so we have one night a week where we can sleep in and catch up on any sleep, relax and recover enough to find something fun to do with them on a Sunday afternoon.

I'm still getting used to it, even though not that much has actually changed, there was two nights a week I didn't stay at Joy's, now I see the boys for an hour or two more during weekdays than I used to. What I've noticed changing is that I now feel more part of a family unit than before, more settled. My space has become "our" space. I can now go home at night and that's it, there's no more rushed dinners before scooting out again. I'll looking forward to being able to start cooking properly again. My house feels much more like a home than it has. Everyone seems happy including the cats. Life has changed, and it's definitely for the better.

Marriage and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Today's brain dump is based on recent articles in the press on gay people wanting to be allowed to marry,  some what I assume were trolling comments in the Metro's letters page - "People who don't have children after two years of being married should have their marriage annulled." and a couple of my friends annoucing their recent engagement.

Some people view marriage as some kind of finality, a bit like death. It is a commitment which in our stereotyped world means having kids and the end of any kind of socialising with the outside world. When people do have children, regardless of marital status, it will change how they interact with other people, when and what they can do. It does not mean it is the end of their social life, they choose to make it so, or unless they have shite friends.

Even if we remove children from the equation, that hideous laddish stereotype about being "under the thumb" and the idea that you can't choose any other person to sex up remains. Being "under the thumb" is down the individuals behaviour, even outside of marriage some people will choose spending time with their partner over spending time with their friends, this is natural enough. It only becomes unhealthy when people stop seeing their friends. I don't get why people have this hang up about being with someone, you could have been with that person for 10 years, why is the concept of making a commitment to continue that frightens people? If it all goes wrong there's always divorce.

That isn't supposed to come across as cynical, because sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they become stronger, sometimes people change and turn into someone else. We can't know how relationships will work out, people outside of your relationship might think they do and if they're your friends they will, if they have balls, ask if you're happy*, and will go with your decision or keep quiet, what they won't do is lecture or berate you for it. If they are your real friends, they know that you are a grown up and responsible for your own decisions.

Relationships can fall apart for a number of reasons, whatever happens you can bet there will be a communication failure, whether it's someone not listening, or just not talking about things and ignoring problems. In a worse case scenario there is always divorce, it's not painful, unless you believe it is like a huge weight around your neck with the word "FAILURE" carved into it, which sadly many people do. Whether it's due to their upbringing, experiences of other people's divorce or that they blame themself for the divorce, even if that is not necessarily the case. Divorce can be amicable, even if you chose to marry an unstable person, it can still be easier, as long as neither party feel scorned. You may find problems from any new relationships formed and the new partner encouraging the "get everything you can/they deserve nothing" route.

While divorce isn't always pleasant, it is not the end of the world, it will mean you've had a learning experience and any regrets or mistakes you've made you'll learn from them and become a stronger person. Those who say"Marriage is just a piece of paper", it isn't. It is a commitment with legal paper work attached and should not be dismissed so easily. It is a commitment to be with someone and to love and look after them along with other things. In case anyone has forgotten, the other person also commits to the same that as well. It's an equal partnership, that is not "just a piece of paper". This is something that applies to all of us, if your relationship isn't in this state, then don't get married.**

That said, marriage should be for everyone, civil partnerships may offer an alternative to marriage, but it's not the same, I really don't see what the issue people have with everyone being allowed to marry? I see archaic views from certain religious sectors of society object for reasons which I find poor and of little relevance. Such people take religion and pick and choose bits to make it fit with their personal viewpoints in life, so the problem isn't religion, it's interolerant people. In a similar way that a knife alone doesn't kill someone, it's the person holding it and making the stabbing motion into someone else that causes it to happen. 

As for me? I was happy when I got married, I was also happy when I got divorced. Would I do it again? If I felt it was the right thing to do then I would.

To my friends getting married? Congratulations to Neil and Lorna, marriage isn't scary and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

* this happened to me - the friends looking out part, not the lecture part.
** this was a choice I had to make and walked away.

Of creativity and cycling

It's before 9am, my brain has woken up and it is full of ideas, I've no clue what most of them are. I am in that state where you feel potentially ready to achieve things I feel are important to my day, both personal and work related things. I feel like I can come up with creative things, which is great for trying to come up with some music related stuff. The only problem is that if I get interupted that great feeling will go out the window and leave my mind feeling like the shine has been taken off things, and it is often difficult to get back in to that brilliant state of mind. I have found a way to do it, however it takes about 15-20 minutes to do, and you need peace and quiet to do it. Losing that state of mind makes so much seem like a chore rather than a task to take on. It's kind of like writer's block, I really have to force myself to get things done, ideas jar, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to flesh out those ideas. So far this morning I'm still "in the zone".

The bike I got for £20 last year has decided it has reached then end of it's useful life. You read correctly, "it" has decided, not me. In the past month it has become incredibly rusty, paint flaking off and the spokes as well have started going all rusty, brakes had to get replaced, tyres had to get replaced and now the rim of my back wheel has split leaving a bulging piece of metal for about 4 inches, catching on the brake blocks. Rather than get a new wheel, I think it has reached the time for a new bike. Thankfully I don't need anything special, a cheap thing for covering 30 odd miles a week. It means I don't have to spend £60 a week on taxis going to see Joy. I could walk I guess but getting up at 6am to walk for over an hour to get to a station twice a week, is not my idea of fun. To be fair it's the getting up at arse o'clock that I have the issue with as opposed to the walking, I like walking, I should walk more, but that's not always possible at least I cycle so I'm getting exercise, so it's good. Working on the third floor of a building with no lifts, and often going up and downstairs, including to the basement fairly often, always helps.