Old Mix Tapes

I found some old mix tapes... this was circa 1999/2000.

Hodge
Side One
Ich Bin Ein Auslander [Die Krupps Mix] - Pop Will Eat Itself
Whatchamacallit - Esqivel
Fuck You and Your Cat - Goldfinger
The Onion Bhaji Song - Lord Leamington
Stripper Vicar  - Mansun
TAXLO$$ - Mansun
Drastic Sturgeon - Mansun
This Is For Real - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
I'm Not Even Going To Try - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Ginger - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Ballroom - David Devant & His Spirit Wife

Side Two
Radar - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Take A Deep Breath - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Birdhouse In Your Soul [Live] - They Might Be Giants
Why Does The Sun Shine? - They Might Be Giants
Spiralling Shape - They Might Be Giants
Dolphin Square - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Germaine Greer - Carfax
Modern World - The Pogues
Cocaine Socialism - Pulp
Hit The Hi-Tech Groove - Pop Will Eat Itself
Steamroller - The Family Cat

New 1
Side One
Ich Bin Ein Auslander [Die Krupps Mix] - Pop Will Eat Itself
The Onion Bhaji Song - Lord Leamington
Spring - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Desperate Journalist - The Cure
You Don't Care About Us - Placebo
Just About Glad - Elvis Costello
Vivid - Electronic
Suedehead - Morrissey
Blue Bell Knoll - Cocteau Twins
One To Another - The Charlatans
Radar - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Eurodisco - BIS

Side Two
True Faith '94 - New Order
Gecko - The Creatures
You're The One For Me Fatty [Live] - Morrissey
Karmadrome [12"] - Pop Will Eat Itself
Haze - Electronic
I Think I'm Paranoid [Live] - Garbage
Not In My Plans - Miles Hunt
Carolyn's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
My Life For Yours - Holy Roman Empire
Inside You - Pop Will Eat Itself
Supervixen - Garbage

New 2
Side One
Nancy Boy [Sex Mix] - Placebo
Modern World - The Pogues
God Only Knows - James
Pretty Pretty - Pop Will Eat Itself
Seven - James
Pony Street - Elvis Costello
We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful - Morrissey
Theme From Gutbuster - Bently Rhythm Ace
The Perfect Kiss [12"] - New Order
20% Amnesia - Elvis Costello
A Kissed Out Red Floatboat - Cocteau Twins
Legoland - Ned's Atomic Dustbin

Side Two
When I Grow Up [Live] - Garbage
North Country Boy - The Charlatans
Ring The Bells - James
Bernice Bobs Her Hair - The Divine Comedy
Def Con One - Pop Will Eat Itself
Push It [Live] - Garbage
The Only One I Know - The Charlatans
Legacy - Mansun
For Tomorrow - Blur
Look Out Tomorrow - Jesus Jones
Going Underground - The Jam

New 3
Side One
The Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show
Leave - REM
Beats at the Office - BIS
Germaine Greer - Carfax
Special/Blown It [delete as appropriate] - Mansun
Bizarre Love Triange [12"] - New Order
Perfectly Rounded - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Chemical World - Blur
Wax and Wane - Cocteau Twins
Jesus Hairdo - The Charlatans

Side Two
Manna From Heaven - Miles Hunt
Laid - James
Tuesday Morning - The Pogues
36 Degrees - Placebo
Ski Jump Nose [Live] - Mansun
Harborcoat - REM
Born of Frustration - James
Stupid Girl [Live] - Garbage
That's When I Reach For My Revolver - Graham Coxon
Advert - Blur
You've Got A Lot To Answer For - Catatonia
Someone Like Kingbird - Miles Hunt

New 4
Side One
Accelerator - Primal Scream
Get The Girl and Kill The Baddies - Pop Will Eat Itself
13 Steps Lead Down - Elvis Costello
Pure Morning - Placebo
Stripper Vicar - Mansun
Vow [Live] - Garbage
Every Day Is Like Sunday - Morrissey
Y2K: The Bug Is Coming
Wake Up Bomb - REM
Black Country Chainstore Massacre - Pop Will Eat Itself
This Is For Real - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Lost Cat - Catatonia

SideTwo
Love Is The Law - The Seahorses
A New England - Kirsty MacColl
The Pop Singers Fear of the Pollen Count - The Divine Comedy
Wise Up, Sucker! - Pop Will Eat Itself
Only Happy When It Rains [Live] - Garbage
November Spawned A Monster - Morrissey
Kinder Murder - Elvis Costello
Everything Is Not Okay - Miles Hunt
Until You Find Out - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Going To London - Carfax

2018: Year of the Completed Projects (at least one?)

It's a new year and every year I say similar things, I don't bother with new year resolutions, however I've got a set of aims for this year, some of which have been outstanding for over a decade! Goals feel better than resolutions. Resolutions have a sense of "these must be done or you will FAIL!" about them. Aims are the good intentions that I would like to make progress on and should review once a month. 

Here's what I have so far...

• Read at least one book a month.
• Blog twice at least twice month.
• Make two Disorgcasts a month.
• Go for a 5-10 minute walk every 2 hours at work. Try to make sure I hit 10,000 steps a day. 
• Back in the Box - compile at least 4 Schrödinger's Beard tunes in a form as close to how they were supposed to sound in my head as possible. 
• Casinos That Never Opened - Get at least 4 songs that have been existing as fragments and smells since 2001 until now into some listenable form.
• Write first phase of my open source, cross platform C++ software for interpreting Astrological charts, that serves up a meaningful interface to allow for the user's own interpretations of various placements. The second phase will draw up a chart and perhaps add other features.
• Finally get round to creating Dan's belated 40th birthday present, which has only ever been fleetingly mentioned and will be an audio visual treat if I ever manage to get it done

Merry New Year!

It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent's Super.

We're now the other side of Christmas, I never had time to write about the school Christmas assembly. Before we start. I don't 'get' school assemblies. I never have. In was at a large primary school, 14 classes of around 30 pupils, in a big hall, while Mr 'Jesus' Johnstone, the headteacher, strumming his acoustic guitar, which he would always tune up and tell us that it was out of tune because it had been sitting in the boot of his car. Sometimes he accompanied on piano and we all sang religious songs. It meant we weren't doing proper work, so I didn't mind going along to them. 

There would be a group of parents gathered around the edges of the hall watching on. I never felt particularly bothered if my mum turned up at the Christmas or end of term assemblies, if she did she'd smile and wave, but wasn't bothered if she was there or not. I didn't see the need for parents to turn up, at that age it seemed a bit weird.  

The school of Child #2 is a small village school, usually end of term assemblies are held in the local church two minutes walk from the school. This Christmas it wasn't the case due to the church being renovated, so we were all in the small school hall. Many parents were not in the seats, but along the edges, getting a better view of proceedings and in turn their children.

I on the other hand was sat cross legged at the back of the hall on top of a 3ft high piece of gym equipment with a large cushioned leather top. No one else has the sense to find the comfiest place, or perhaps their restrictive social graces that inhibit them? 

It is important to be comfortable sitting through and hour and a half of Christmas Assembly. As a step parent I don't have the emotional bond, most parents have to their offspring. Perhaps that's why I don't get the same feelings of pride and excitement that other parents do about attending such activities. Then again, as I said earlier, I, and several of my friends were never bothered if our parents attended our assemblies. 

In case you were wondering, I don't have any qualms with the content of the assembly, I more have a problem with being expected to sit through it, like it is some kind of special occasion that will somehow change my life forever.

The assembly itself was a combination of 3 Christmas songs for everyone to sing along to, the violin teacher coaxing about 6 six kids to play instrumental versions of carols without screeching, one of which had kids playing ukuleles along with it. There was also lines of Christmas stories and what the kids got up to, and the school choir signing along with their singing, which was really well performed and enjoyable.

One thing I've noticed is they don't teach people to shut the fuck up in assemblies any more. I felt sorry for the poor kids going up to a microphone and having most of their only line in the performance talked over by parents and other kids. It wasn't just people missing cues to be quiet, but no teachers stepped in to get that silence, so they could feel listened to. I wonder how many kids felt discouraged by that happening to them? I need to get around to buying that air horn for such occasions. 

I got told off for asking my wife, Which of the kids is that mutant that was attacking Child #2? Apparently this is not appropriate to ask slightly too loud near other parents. It was pointed out and the child didn't seem at a distance to have any features that said 'Danger! Sociopath'. I did however see the back of it's parent's heads, the bloke, a fat neck with a gold chain, the woman in an anorak. He has been filming the entire performance on his phone. I found it difficult to put prejudice aside and wondered what their home life would be like, it was only a few seconds before it took a League of Gentlemen-esque turn that I escaped from as I was distracted by the head teacher apologising for overrunning. A quick few words and for unfathomable reasons, local minister was allowed a platform during which my internal monologue had to be jailed, and he advertised his Christmas service at one of his churches.

I don't like the local minister. He took a dislike to me for having coloured hair, and took offense to me and my wife having a private joke, which he never heard, at a kids dance recital. He made passive aggressive comments at the end of it about some people being more grown up than others and glaring in our direction. Since then he can't look either myself or my wife in the eye, or glares from a distance. 

For a Christian he's one of the judgmental hypocrite types, one of those who give everyone else a bad name. If Jesus was around he would have told him they were going to see John the Baptist and thrown him in the Nile in a bag of bricks for his douchebaggery. Therefore I see any bile relating to him as perfectly excusable. Over the past year or so he's taking to dressing down quite a bit and has unkempt facial hair which makes him look like he's homeless. I'm not sure if this is down to the reducing popularity of the church generally so he has to make up funds by begging or if he's just a twat. Both options are equally likely.

Minister: Are we all looking forward to Father Christmas coming with our presents?

Everyone: YES!

Minister: Christmas is about the birth of Jesus!

My Mind: No it's not it's about squeezing the birth a of religious figure who was born in 4 B.C.E. probably in June over the top of the existing Midwinter festivals because of religious wankers who didn't like that their religion wasn't as important and wanted integrate and wipe out the existing religious festivities. You prick.

Minster is handed a bag of gifts from the headteacher.

Minister: Oh what wonderful gift have I been given?

Rummages in the bag and pulls out a glass jar with a flip top lid.

Minster: Lovely sprout and onion chutney!

Me to my wife: It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent's Super.

Wife punches me in the arm. 

Wife: Will you shut up!

As it turned out the man stood next to us has particularly strong religious beliefs and my wife was mortified he might have heard. 

What have we learned:

• I'm not the same as you.
• I don't like sitting through assemblies. Even if the content is good, I'm selfish and think about what I could be using that time for.
• I don't understand why other people sit through assemblies, I don't get the need to turn up and film the thing on a mobile phone. 
• I can see why they might want to turn up the first time, or if their kid is doing something particularly special. 
• I don't get the emotional need to turn up, 'I'm a parent therefore I must attend.' Not turning up will not scar your child for life.
• I get why kids like assemblies. It's fun for them, they don't have to do boring things instead. I can understand why they enjoy performing to an audience and why they might want their parents to be there. 
• I think differently from others when it comes to seating arrangements. The rest of you are just lacking in problem solving abilities, this is why you get into fights with your families.
• I need to own an air horn to silence people and carry it everywhere with me.
• I desire to express my views even if it may be upsetting or embarrassing, partly because I was far too much influenced by sarcastic characters in sitcoms when growing up, but also because hiding it behind anxiety doesn't do anyone any favours. I do need to learn to express discontent in a more 'socially acceptable' manner, but would be the fun in that?

Anxiety 7 : It's not the end, but another chapter.

In the past I've been told directly and read about people taking anti-depressants feeling "zombified". I never really properly understood what this meant until recently. I've been slowly tapering off the Fluoxtine and I think I know where this description comes from.

My head has had a break from itself for just over two years now, the anxiety is still there, it always is but it's given me the distance and from that the ability to spot it easier and not let it affect me. One of the things for me with anxiety was bottling up annoyances and not letting them out, and the medication gave me the ability to learn to express such annoyances and for them to be less irritating and for me to be able not to focus on them. Not letting go of things was one of the issues that used to be one of the core manifestations of my anxiety. Why would stupid things bug me? In some way make me feel like I was some how responsible, that I'd somehow blamed for it? Looking back it seems completely ludicrous but that's what was happening to me.

Cutting down on the medication has brought back something I never realised was missing, it stopped me getting annoyed, made me feel calmer and allowed me to take a step back from how I felt, I started accepting things for how they were. I might still be annoyed by something but I didn't hold on to it, I let it go. Learning that a lot of who I am, and how I react to situations are linked, but are not my fault, are not down to things that I have done, it's been down to past experiences that have shaped me in unhelpful ways and it's time to rebuild. 

I've had enough of a break from how I used to be that I now need to if someone annoys me, work out how to politely express that annoyance, so it doesn't bug me, prey on my mind and unhelpfully bottle up. Also I need to do it in a constructive way, so I feel I've explained myself without doing something that may cause myself unnecessary grief.

As for being zombified? The mischievous, devilish part of me has been buried for a while, and is finding it's way back, my wife has noticed and I think she believes it's a good thing. I think when people take medication and feel like they're not themselves, it is a side effect of the medication, it calms a part of people that is closely entwined with stress, anxiety and depression. I can understand how some people would see that they feel that a core part of their personality has been chloroformed. I notice now I feel more strongly about what we might perceive as injustices, as opposed to just shrugging my shoulders and saying "Shit happens!". To be fair, shit does indeed happen, but we can always do something about it. That space I got from myself from the past two years worked for me, it might not work for others, it's also allowed me to see where I need to make changes to how I deal with things. For me it's a bit like Catchphrase "Say what you see!"

Old Dougie isn't back, upgraded Dougie is here and he's going to make mistakes, probably misguided attempts at humour. Right now I've got an excess of good moods and motivation, that's not always going to be the case, but I've you've got to work with what you have. Onwards and Upwards!

Xmas List

Dear Santa,

Can I haz plz?

Orphans - Aphex Twin

Aphex Twin - Orphaned Deejay Selek CD

'Together As One' - Dinosaur

DMT: The Spirit Molecule: A Doctor's Revolutionary Research into the Biology of Near-Death and Mystical Experiences

Primus - 'The Saturating Seven CD

Primus and the Chocolate Factor with the Fungi Ensemble CD

'Utopia' - Björk

Anxiety 6: Dial it back up

I like my medication, occasionally I'd get a bit of a manic rush for a couple of hours where I was full of great ideas and enthusiasm, only for it to drift off later. I liked that state, it was like a window to achieve something and feel happy about things. The side effects are forgetfulness and being a bit fuzzy and demotivated most of the time. 

I'm cutting down on the medication. I've been told I seem more like my old self. This does include a less pleasant side of being grumpier and less tolerant. I feel more likely to react to things, which itself isn't a bad thing. I am in a space where I am more relaxed and can more easily spot anxiety driven actions, so I can re-learn to deal with events in a better manner.

Lowering the medication highlights that while it smoothed over the cracks, the issues were still there. An example might be dealing with people over something negative, I might be less anxious about coming forward and pointing it out, but I'm not learning a useful way of dealing with it, so when I lower the medication, I need to train my brain to deal to think about it differently. I've seen it work, now I need to make it work for myself. I need to learn to put the anxiety to one side and work out how to approach it from a more calm view point, since the anxiety generally dispels the calm and has an urge to get to the point and spit it out bluntly.

In an ideal world I'd win enough money to live on in a lone cottage by the sea and none of this would be an issue.

Disorganart

We've all seen art we think is terrible, we all remember our high school art teachers! We've all seen art we like. 

I made something ages ago, I'm working on two new different things now. 

Unique, quirky, one off items,  for... the sake of art. It's not about making money, it's about creating. Bringing into existence, those deep subconcious thoughts in a meaningful and humorous way.

I present you with Disorganart!