Minor Update

While I like the last blog post I didn't manage to convey the intensity of the thoughts going through my head a few weeks ago and appeared more like the random thoughts I think most of us have, unfortunately these were relentless and I didn't get that across as I wanted. Asking yourself seriously if you are capable of making a rational decision is incredibly unnerving, 'What if I'm wrong?', I started to doubt every decision I'd made both recently and in the past and started to undermine myself even more. That's what I wanted to get across, but still feel the post was relevant and I do like how it turned out, I might do a few more in that style when the mood takes me.

Now that's out of the way, here's some random cartoons I made over the past 8 years.

Fame

Spreadsheets

Magic Shoes

Grow Up

Time For A Comic

This is a comic strip about what ran through my head when I had a bad day last week, when I was adjusting to a change in my medication. I've been fine since, but I want to try and convey what it's like when you have thoughts you can't control going in and out of your head. A lot of the thoughts are recurrent throughout the day. along with a song I had stuck in my head and other random thoughts that popped in.

These aren't all normal thoughts on a normal day, I hardly think like this due to the medication. The creeping doubts is the worst part.

MiNE!

I wanted to get more exercise and I needed to motivate myself. I was looking at a the vast array of sports wristbands of somewhat varying prices. One of my colleagues recommended the Mi band. At £13 it's a cheap and cheerful step counter and sleep monitor. A charge lasts 30 days and it can also unlock your phone.*

I've been trying mine for the past week or two. There's an app, it connects the Mi band via Bluetooth and config it from there. I've been setting myself a goal of 18,000 steps a day, a bit over 8 miles. In the past I've usually struggled to reach 10,000, not now though, walking the dogs in the morning and at night allows me to hit that target and sometimes, hitting over 20,000.

The band can vibrate on incoming phone calls and text messages, which is great if you keep your phone in a bag or jacket pocket and don't always hear it ringing. The band can also act as a vibrating alarm. The app can sync to Google Fit. However I picked up Mi Band Notify and Fitness, the PRO version for £1.38 and it presents a more detailed breakdown of steps and sleep. It also allows configuring what apps you want to buzz when they generate notifications.  It also allows you to connect to a heart rate monitor as well should you so desire as well as a few other functions.

I've found the Mi band helps me retain my motivation, partly due to accurately counting steps and at £13 it's cheap, cheerful and fairly robust. I might copy my colleague and get a couple for the kids and connect it to their tablets? Oh you've not walked 10,000 steps? No internets for you until you do!

Click for more info about the Mi Band

* There's a Bluetooth bug in Android Marshmallow 6.0 that stops the unlock feature working, it is fixed in 6.0.1 and works in Kitkat and Lollipop.

Fallen in the trap

I'm a little annoyed with myself. There's a bizarre stubborn streak that insists on being able to do everything for myself and not have to rely on other people. What I should have done was go straight back to the doctor when I wrote that last post. No I thought, I need more rest, I'll be fine, it should sort itself out. Erm... not quite. In fact it was the anxiety starting to take root again. I was thinking I shouldn't bother the doctor as I'd be fine I could wait for the next appointment.

Stupid me. Really I should have gone to the doctor upon returning from visiting friends on Skye a couple of weeks ago. The trigger should have been when I kept having to leave the kitchen because of how I felt. Too many people, too much noise, I regularly wandered out into the garden because I couldn't handle it. Again I thought I'll be going to the doctors in 2-3 weeks so I should just wait as I didn't feel I was in a state where I needed to see the doctor quickly.

Last week my wife, told me to make an emergency appointment and go see the doctor. I did and they doubled my medication. I've been on the increased dose for a few days and already I feel better, having a bit of chat with people serving me in shops instead of smiling and saying very little. 

I am annoyed because I didn't see what was right in front of me, I fell into the trap and started descending the steps again. I'm annoyed because I didn't listen my wife straight away and allowed myself to feel I wasn't important enough to see the doctor as soon as possible. Instead I allowed myself be self aware of what was happening, but allow part of the anxiety to influence my behaviour.

You'd think I'd have learned? Maybe this time.

Podcasts

I listen to a lot of Podcasts, so I thought I'd have a wee review of a few I've been listening to lately. I don't like writing reviews, some seem easy to write, others don't. Are they of a decent quality or not? I don't know, just do yourself a favour and give some of these a listen.

Radio 4's Wireless Nights
Jarvis Cocker narrates together a list of stories and experiences of people who work at night. The background sound will draw you in so it's best to get some good quality headphones and block out the world, lie down in a dark room and immerse yourself in this.

Frequency: Infrequent series
Current Episodes: 16
Average Length: 30 mins
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01sg4kg/episodes/downloads

The Janey Godley Podcast
This is my favourite podcast. The no holds barred Janey Godley and her daughter Ashley Storrie talking about what they've been up to and the state of the world. Janey and Ashley are consistently funny and thought provoking about the issues they discuss, over nearly 300 episodes.

Warning: May include characters such as Dave the paedo ice cream man or tales of THE BOLD ALEC! 

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 288
Average Length: 30 mins
http://janeygodley.podomatic.com/

Welcome To Nightvale
The creepy goings on of a town somewhere in an American desert. It's in the style of a local radio show, updating the residents of Nightvale about what's happening in and around their town. Narrated by Cecil with occasional interactions from radio station interns and some of the towns more unusual residents. The show also features a track by an unsigned artist and slot it in at an appropriate point and it 'The Weather'.

It like Twin Peaks meets the ambience and atmosphere of Radio 4's Wireless Nights. It sits nicely in the middle ground never leaning to far either way being creepy, imposing and comedic. It has also featured guest appearances from Wil Wheaton.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 83 (and some pay what you want live shows)
Average Length: 20 mins
http://nightvale.libsyn.com/

Alice Isn't Dead
This is a new podcast from one of the Nightvale writers, I've only listened to the first one, it was out this week. Not sure about it, premise is good, but language used by the narrator was a little bit grating for me in places. As with anything these things take a while to get used to , so I'll be happily listening in to see where it goes.

Frequency: Fortnightly (Every 2 weeks)
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 20 mins
http://aliceisntdead.libsyn.com/

Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!)
Comedian Richard Herring interviewing comedians. Off the back of this and his Edinburgh Fringe podcast, I ended up listening to The Guilty Feminist, Janey Godley, The Parapod Mysteries and The Comedian's Comedian as a result of the various people Richard has interviewed.

I've found that it has changed my views on some comedians and made me more tolerant towards people who I thought were unfunny and now find more interesting as a result of talking to them, rather than just their material. Though the 'emergency questions' do start to head towards unbearable territory after a while.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 100
Average Length: 60 mins
https://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/richard_herring_lst_podcast/

The Guilty Feminist

Comedians Sofie Hagen and Deborah Frances-White perform this podcast live in front of an audience. They set themselves a challenge related to the theme of the show. Themes so far include food, pornography, advertising and apologies and they are also joined by a different special guest each week. It's been really funny so far, so get subscribed.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 5
Average Length: 45 mins
http://www.guiltyfeminist.com/

The Comedian's Comedian
Stuart Goldsmith discusses what it's like to be a comedian with other comedians, unlike Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast (RHLSTP!), Stuart is more focused on the work side of it, how they develop ideas and how they got started down that particular path.

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.comedianscomedian.com/

The Parapod Mysteries
Ray Peacock and Barry Dodds are the hosts of the paranormal podcast, Barry is the believer and Ray the hardline skeptic. I was expecting this to be a nice friendly discussion about strange goings on, debunking myths with some fun poking and leaving some unexplained.

Unfortunately Ray puts the "cock" in Peacock by acting like a complete bell-end most of the time. I realise is there to debunk Barry, he does it in the most irritating way possible. Like a budget version of the torment that Gervais and Merchant dole out to Karl Pilkington. Ray constantly interupts when Barry is explaining a story or premise to make Barry look like a tool rather than have a sensible discussion about it. It would be nice for Ray to allow Barry to build up a story, even let it be a bit spooky, before telling him it's all bollocks.  All is not lost though, you can pick through the info and it does prove interesting and for all his faults Ray occasionally pulls it out the bag by either setting up Barry with or turning up to a ghost hunt in his own Ghostbusters costume.

#TeamBarry

Frequency: Weekly series
Current Episodes: 180 
Average Length: 60 mins
https://player.fm/series/the-parapod

Distraction Pieces
Scroobius Pip conducts in-depth interviews an array of guests from artists, musicians, actors, comedians and activists. Pip offers a unique windows into the subjects that matter to and the lives of his guests. Even if you've never heard of a guest, these podcasts manage to be engaging. Another podcast that manages good solid material week after week.

Frequency: Weekly 
Current Episodes: 1
Average Length: 60 mins
http://www.scroobiuspip.co.uk/distraction-pieces-podcast/

Return of the Thing: Anxiety Chronicles Part III

I've been feeling tired and run down the past week or so, fending off whatever the kids have brought back from school this week and needing more sleep. I've started to feel more narky at people at work again. It could be my body adjusting to the medication, but I experienced something odd last week. I was asked to sort out booking a cottage for some friends and sort it. I had a few background concerns, and the fact it needed done quickly and that I was worrying about something else, meant that I ended up sitting at my desk at work with my head in my hands and felt the room was spinning. Why can't someone else do this? Why do I have to do it, it's stressing me out. I'm irrationally worrying about other people's expectations. What if this place is terrible? What will people think? I noticed this and phoned my wife talked to her for a few minutes, then went out for some air and phoned and booked the cottage. 

Something similar happened this weekend, we were planning for Sam's birthday, he wants a party, though he's fighting with some of the kids at school. He wants various things for his birthday, which will involve me taking action to do things. I've got Adam's trip to France with the Scouts to sort out. All things which started piling up and I started to feel anxious about and wanted to run from and have someone else deal with. It's the idea that I am responsible and I have to do these things and I pile an unnecessary and irrational pressure onto myself. I'm still waiting to hear back about the CPN, I've also got another month until I'm due back at the doctors. I need to try and manage it better, it takes 3 weeks to get a normal appointment at my docs, though I am thinking perhaps seeing about an emergency appointment, I'll give myself a couple of days more to see if this is a blip or a genuine concern. There's that doubt about worrying if I'm wasting someone's time creeping back in.

It's not all doom and gloom, I took my dogs an 8 miles round walk to North Queensferry. It was the first time in ages I felt properly focused, I got through four podcasts without my attention drifting. It makes me think about how I need quality time on my own, walking the dogs, playing my guitar, constructing something as opposed to the usual time on my own travelling to work or such. Conversely it says to me I need to balance that quality alone time with  need to be around people. I need to eradicate the "dead time" in my life, such as that hour between getting home and getting my dinner, half watching the TV, randomly browsing the internet, feeling that it is wasted time, or the time between dinner and getting the kids to bed because I don't feel I can settle, this is something I need to work on changing. I want to take that time and do constructive, and take that 30-60 mins and make it worthwhile, even if it is just a bit of housework, tidying up or doing something with the kids.

A photo posted by @thebluesound on Mar 12, 2016 at 3:17am PST

It's not safe to walk the streets!

A tabloid style headline is not the way I'd usually start a blog post. However today's does have a headline, and it's from The Sunday Sport.

For those of you unaware The Sunday Sport is a tabloid newspaper in the UK, generally regarded as having made up stories, it's a somewhat a bawdy publication, which features many images of topless women.

Here is a recent article which features my home town of Kirkcaldy and features a childishly hilarious headline. 

The above image is © The Sunday Sport and is used without permission.

Aside from giving me one of the biggest childish laughs I've had in a long time, it raised a serious issue about wandering about at night in Kirkcaldy. Back in the late 90s/early 00s I would often be on the last train home on a Friday night, arriving back about midnight, or if I got a nightbus from Edinburgh maybe 2am. I would often just walk the two miles from the bus station to my house, walking the length on Hendry Road. Following a discussion with family members it's been noted that apparently these days that would be advised against. The idea that it's not safe to be walking about at that time of night? Can anyone in Kirkcaldy confirm or deny this? Comment below!