Marriage and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Today's brain dump is based on recent articles in the press on gay people wanting to be allowed to marry,  some what I assume were trolling comments in the Metro's letters page - "People who don't have children after two years of being married should have their marriage annulled." and a couple of my friends annoucing their recent engagement.

Some people view marriage as some kind of finality, a bit like death. It is a commitment which in our stereotyped world means having kids and the end of any kind of socialising with the outside world. When people do have children, regardless of marital status, it will change how they interact with other people, when and what they can do. It does not mean it is the end of their social life, they choose to make it so, or unless they have shite friends.

Even if we remove children from the equation, that hideous laddish stereotype about being "under the thumb" and the idea that you can't choose any other person to sex up remains. Being "under the thumb" is down the individuals behaviour, even outside of marriage some people will choose spending time with their partner over spending time with their friends, this is natural enough. It only becomes unhealthy when people stop seeing their friends. I don't get why people have this hang up about being with someone, you could have been with that person for 10 years, why is the concept of making a commitment to continue that frightens people? If it all goes wrong there's always divorce.

That isn't supposed to come across as cynical, because sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they become stronger, sometimes people change and turn into someone else. We can't know how relationships will work out, people outside of your relationship might think they do and if they're your friends they will, if they have balls, ask if you're happy*, and will go with your decision or keep quiet, what they won't do is lecture or berate you for it. If they are your real friends, they know that you are a grown up and responsible for your own decisions.

Relationships can fall apart for a number of reasons, whatever happens you can bet there will be a communication failure, whether it's someone not listening, or just not talking about things and ignoring problems. In a worse case scenario there is always divorce, it's not painful, unless you believe it is like a huge weight around your neck with the word "FAILURE" carved into it, which sadly many people do. Whether it's due to their upbringing, experiences of other people's divorce or that they blame themself for the divorce, even if that is not necessarily the case. Divorce can be amicable, even if you chose to marry an unstable person, it can still be easier, as long as neither party feel scorned. You may find problems from any new relationships formed and the new partner encouraging the "get everything you can/they deserve nothing" route.

While divorce isn't always pleasant, it is not the end of the world, it will mean you've had a learning experience and any regrets or mistakes you've made you'll learn from them and become a stronger person. Those who say"Marriage is just a piece of paper", it isn't. It is a commitment with legal paper work attached and should not be dismissed so easily. It is a commitment to be with someone and to love and look after them along with other things. In case anyone has forgotten, the other person also commits to the same that as well. It's an equal partnership, that is not "just a piece of paper". This is something that applies to all of us, if your relationship isn't in this state, then don't get married.**

That said, marriage should be for everyone, civil partnerships may offer an alternative to marriage, but it's not the same, I really don't see what the issue people have with everyone being allowed to marry? I see archaic views from certain religious sectors of society object for reasons which I find poor and of little relevance. Such people take religion and pick and choose bits to make it fit with their personal viewpoints in life, so the problem isn't religion, it's interolerant people. In a similar way that a knife alone doesn't kill someone, it's the person holding it and making the stabbing motion into someone else that causes it to happen. 

As for me? I was happy when I got married, I was also happy when I got divorced. Would I do it again? If I felt it was the right thing to do then I would.

To my friends getting married? Congratulations to Neil and Lorna, marriage isn't scary and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

* this happened to me - the friends looking out part, not the lecture part.
** this was a choice I had to make and walked away.

Of creativity and cycling

It's before 9am, my brain has woken up and it is full of ideas, I've no clue what most of them are. I am in that state where you feel potentially ready to achieve things I feel are important to my day, both personal and work related things. I feel like I can come up with creative things, which is great for trying to come up with some music related stuff. The only problem is that if I get interupted that great feeling will go out the window and leave my mind feeling like the shine has been taken off things, and it is often difficult to get back in to that brilliant state of mind. I have found a way to do it, however it takes about 15-20 minutes to do, and you need peace and quiet to do it. Losing that state of mind makes so much seem like a chore rather than a task to take on. It's kind of like writer's block, I really have to force myself to get things done, ideas jar, I seem to lack the enthusiasm to flesh out those ideas. So far this morning I'm still "in the zone".

The bike I got for £20 last year has decided it has reached then end of it's useful life. You read correctly, "it" has decided, not me. In the past month it has become incredibly rusty, paint flaking off and the spokes as well have started going all rusty, brakes had to get replaced, tyres had to get replaced and now the rim of my back wheel has split leaving a bulging piece of metal for about 4 inches, catching on the brake blocks. Rather than get a new wheel, I think it has reached the time for a new bike. Thankfully I don't need anything special, a cheap thing for covering 30 odd miles a week. It means I don't have to spend £60 a week on taxis going to see Joy. I could walk I guess but getting up at 6am to walk for over an hour to get to a station twice a week, is not my idea of fun. To be fair it's the getting up at arse o'clock that I have the issue with as opposed to the walking, I like walking, I should walk more, but that's not always possible at least I cycle so I'm getting exercise, so it's good. Working on the third floor of a building with no lifts, and often going up and downstairs, including to the basement fairly often, always helps.

No news is, err... good news?

When I go on holiday I stop reading and watching the news, not because of some kind of odd ritual or anything. It's just that I forget about it. I forget what's going on out there in the rest of the world. I am on holiday, everything that is part of my monday to friday routine goes out the window. It's nice to have a reprieve from the rest of the world. I no longer sigh and ponder the state of humanity when the Tories are clearly trying to destroy the NHS or people are being slaughtered by their governments. I have my isolated little bubble to live in for a week where I forget about everyone elses worlds and focus on my own. My world is putting on CDs I haven't listened to in years and remembering why I like them or memories linked to them. I actually have time to cook, bake bread, and not feel I'm under pressure to cook dinner as quickly as possible. I can go and have lunch in a restaurant and not feel like I have to wolf my food down, like if I nip out for a pub lunch at work. There are days I'd like to be able to spend more time doing that, if I could afford to take an extra month of the year off unpaid I would do so without even blinking.  I don't mind coming back to work, it's just that being on holiday has made me appreciate things far more. Maybe it's because it alters my perception of time altering or maybe it's  by product of taking time to relax? It's time to burst the bubble, pick up a newspaper and come back into the practical world. Ah well, there's always more bubbles to look forward to.

Colds and Dentists.

I am run down again, I feel a cold starting in the back of my throat and the head mash that goes with it. I never realised how bad children are for spreading diseases. I will no doubt have this cold kicked into touch in the next day or two, due to a decent immune system, I seem to be getting these "mini colds" every couple of months, and yes I blame children, plaguebearers that they are! My girlfriend's two seem to have frequent colds or viruses they've picked up at school and brought back with them. Thankfully I don't have to go to work tomorrow, I get the joys of going to the dentist instead since I've not been in almost 5 years and I really should go back. Going to the dentist I like, I have a good dentist who doesn't take the piss, and who is very understanding and generous with the numbing chemicals since I have not been particularly fond of dentists since I got what were probably two unescessary fillings without any anesthetic when I was about 16. Another reason for going back is knowing my dad didn't go for 17 years and had to have all bar 8 teeth removed, I remember the agony the poor man was in, so I vowed not to do the same thing. I also need to get my eyes tested and see if I can pick up a set of random daily contacts for me to wear intermitantly, putting in contacts when I am tired is near bloody impossible.

Not a particularly inspiring blog today, but hey I'm sticking to writing two a week. Creatively I have two demos which require lyrics recorded and dumped into them, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Fruit Doesn't Grow In Fridges

Other than bacteria and mould not much grows in a fridge. Fridges are dark, cold places and while they're nice for keeping our favourite beverages chilled, I don't think anyone would want to live in one. No one wants to have their growth stunted physically, mentally or emotionally, living in a fridge would do exactly that to a person, so why oh why do we seem to develop out here in the nice warm world* like we've been living in a fridge. Think back to the time someone told you that you were shit at something, were you actually shit at it, or were they just putting you down, either due to jealousy or just being malicious and wanting you fail. If it's negative feedback, we let it get to us, instead of ignoring and rising above it, if people offered constructive criticism life would be a much better place, we could learn more, grow more and develop our skills and as a result end up as better human beings.

Here's a tip: if people don't ever offer you feedback, they either a) have bothered checking something out or b) probably too afraid to say "I didn't like it.", which if it's not their cup of tea, is fair game, but they need to remember you are not a fragile egocenteric*** and that you can accept it.

* Though if you've been outside "Brrrrrr! It's a bit nippy out"**
** Yes this bit is stolen from The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
*** If you are like this and if you are and take constructive criticism badly you poor delicate flower, then grow up and grow a pair (the pair you require will depend on gender).

"I may have done what was expected rather than what I wanted."

I read this yesterday and started thinking about how often most of us live this way. We let things just wash over us whether it's for an easy life or perhaps because we're blocking something from our vision. From my own experience I know unhealthy this can be. Stress, indigestion, insomnia and general misery are just a few of the thrills to be experienced before heading towards a minor breakdown.

Using the superpower that we all possess, hindsight, I can easily identify the numerous regrets because I did either what was expected of me or because I didn't want to rock the boat. I know the reasoning behind each, and me now asking me then, "What the hell were you doing?", in a similar way to when a parent asks a child why they've just done something incredibly stupid, but in the child's view they can't fathom out why it's frowned upon. I can't quite work it out either, I knew at the time what I should do, but never did because of fear. Fear of repercussions, fear of failure, fear of getting it wrong. It was the day I faced that fear that I started to become who I wanted to be, stupidly I was in my twenties by this point, but the mounting up of times I did what was expected and not being happy about it, along with every time I held my tongue, slowly built towards giving me the strength to realise what I had to do. Everytime I did what was expected it was like another part of me was lost, sounds melodramatic, but when you find yourself freed of restraints you realise how much of yourself you'd recovered.

Nowadays, I'm more inclined to register disatisfaction or debate points, when before I'd bebe desperate to avoid arguments and fights. I'm also less inclined to give a shit about what people think or how they perceive me. I know I create a particular impression sometimes, but if people actually bothered to stop and ask some questions, you might see that is not the only part of me. In spite of this I still look at myself and try to keep my head in check and look at what I'm doing and am aware of the effects and potential impacts of what I am doing. I did wonder the other day if I was getting old as I feel a bit disconnected, but no, life is moving on in various ways, I can see it with my friends, they're "growing up" as it were, buying houses. C'mon, I did that 10 years ago! I feel grown up these days, I am in a relationship that doesn't feel rushed, one that has taught me I am good with kids, they find me fun and engaging, which is something even I doubted. Also I have someone who isn't afraid to ask me questions and vise versa, always discussions, never arguments. While even now I have expectations placed upon me, such as I won't lock my girlfriend's children in a cupboard when they're naughty. That I have to behave slightly differently around kids, not calling mocking them when they do something dim, watching what I say around them , or referring to baked beans as farties. I tolerate people I'd rather not, for the sake of others. I talk about the things that annoy me from time to time and as a result I feel for once I have a fairly clear perspective on my life. I also accept that at any point I may be proven wrong, but what's different is that now I'm living more in the moment than I used to and not worrying too much about it. I am now in a position feeling comfortable enough to start doing what I want and I where don't feel restricted by anything or anyone other than time. I know I will have to be patient for some of the things I want, but that's easy, they'll come along, while I'm waiting I'm going to be too busy enjoying life.

Scottish Independence?

The answer is I don't know. When I was younger I didn't see the point in devolution and thought it was a waste of money. While I think paying MSPs the salary we do is a waste, and as much as I despise "Suntan" Sheridan he was right about one thing, how much MSPs should be paid. Now we have Independence rearing it's head. A subject that has generally been avoided/laughed at and regarded as a pipe dream by central government and many in the Scottish Parliament. That's suddenly changed. Cameron is now shitting himself, suddenly this has gone from a dream to a very real possibility and is starting to panic along with many. They want a quick, cut and dried answer to all this, and I don't think that is sensible in this situation. Unlike the younger me, I have the magical power of hindsight, I see that Scotland having more control over how it runs has been a good thing. For it have more control in a fiscal sense, seems more than reasonable, it does not operate in the same way as England, so why not operate it in a more sensible way?

However full independence? I don't know what to think. Given the global financial situation, the EU is looking somewhat shaky, is going it alone a good idea? What will happen? Could England be better off, while Scotland flounders or vise versa? Would both countries suffer or would both flourish? No one actually knows, not Salmond, nor Cameron. Would Scotland be seen as a new country perfect for criminal regimes or would it be left alone? Again, no one knows. The only thing we do know is that politicians lie, however which ones are lying in this case is anyone's guess. The only part that makes me sad about this is that Scotland would retain the queen as head of state, I'd much prefer a republic.

I'll certainly be voting, but which way I don't know, then again I have a third option, emigrating.