Wish - The Cure

It's 1992 and I've just picked up my first Cure album. It's 'Wish'. I'd only heard High and Friday I'm In Love.  Christmas will bring a stereo with a CD player, so for now it's a tape on a mono cassette recorder. I was on holiday down near Glastonbury when I bought Wish, I remember listening to it on the car stereo hardly being able to hear it, not getting the chance for a proper listen until I got home.

Wish is an album about three things, a distinctly different response to Disintegration, relationships and not being afraid of using a wah wah pedal.

Open
The review of Wish from back in the day read "The album begins with The Cure drunk at a party." I suspect somehow it's something a little bit stronger. These days it could be viewed as an anxiety driven response to someone who finds such social events taxing.

Open is unusual as it's the only song which isn't about relationships with people, but alcohol and other substances. The guitars sound they they want to pull you in close and wrap around you like blanket, that bit too warm and too uncomfortable, like a fever is kicking in. As the song ends, it's easy it imagine Bob collapsed in a heap on the floor puking his guts up as the camera pulls back slowly and begins to fade out.

Open feels a bit like it shouldn't fit on the album, it could be perceived as a bridge between the darker sounds of Disintegration and the much lighter, brighter sounds on Wish.

Factoid I want to throw in but it doesn't quite fit in: Open has an unusual guitar tuning,  Bb Bb G F Bb G.


High
Perky and upbeat, The Cure were always good at knocking out a good upbeat pop song. This is a song that the band never quite managed to capture polished sound/atmosphere of the recorded version. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though.High is the dizzying sounds of a new relationship that capture the hearts of those involved. I'd been getting into music and stumbled across this when it was released, High was my introduction to The Cure.

Apart
A sharp contrast to the previous song, Apart is about two stubborn whose relationship is falling apart and if they just talked they could perhaps reconcile. A gentle and quiet song, whispered vocals, soft wind instruments and subtle guitar. Notably the guitars were recorded at a distinct distance, at least a room away from the microphone to give it more of a distant sound. These days I have much more appreciation for the quieter songs, younger me was looking for the fast, loud songs. This songs sits beautifully in the lush landscape of Wish.

From The Edge of the Deep Green Sea
A staple of live Cure gigs. This is the sprawling soundscape at the heart of Wish. A tale of repetition, regret and never finding what he's looking for. I can't really think how to describe this, because I can't do it justice.

Wendy Time
W is for Wish, Wendy Time and Wah Wah. Here we see the wah wah getting a good bit of exercise. Someone trying to seduce Bob. It is often one of the more forgettable songs, it could easily have been a b-side. I could easily be replaced by This Twilight Garden if it didn't feel close to Apart. Maybe Scared As You from Friday, or The Big Hand from A Letter To Elise? It's always going to be difficult to find a song to follow From The Edge of the Deep Green. I remember a young Douglas coughing over the swearing in "Feel or follow or fuck, she said" when listening to it in the car when I got it, in case my parents heard it.

Doing The Unstuck
Another pop song, and one that is so upbeat and happy, I can see why the single release was abandoned in preference to A Letter To Elise to showcase a different sound on Wish. It's not bad song, it's anything but. The 12" Version on "Join The Dots" is worth seeking out. Though destroying everything and starting again, seems an unusual way for celebrating being happy, then again is it?Think of people who are happy to have gotten out of a relationship that was making them miserable and the idea of a fresh start is blissful.

Friday I'm In Love
It's the Cure's brightest, happiest pop song. Bob's voice is that bit higher and more cheerful sounding. If you try playing a long to the original and live versions, and you'll be wondering why it sounds wrong playing along to the original but not the live version. The secret was that the recording was pitched up half a tone. It brought The Cure to a wider audience. There are die hard miseries who feel this is the Cure shitting on their hardcore fans. It's not, it's a brilliant pop song. The Cure never afraid to go from a devastating song to one that's pure pop in the blink of an eye.

Trust
Another quiet one to cool down after all the excitement. Piano led, sombre, feelings of insecurity being admitted to, or is it an admission of guilt for cheating?

A Letter To Elise
This song has drawn criticism from some fans, partly because musically some of the patterns are reminiscent of 'Pictures Of You' from Disintegration, and lyrically pictures are swapped for a letter. It is a nice quieter paced bass led sounding tune. There is something about the guitars building the solo getting higher that speaks to me with this song.

The remixes of this are worth looking out the 'Blue Mix' from the 12" / CD is particularly worthwhile, louder drums more plodding bass/synth sounds. There's an "extended mix" kicking about with a load of synth strings on it which isn't half bad either.

Cut
We're back to heavier guitars and more Wah Wah, here we see a someone seeing the other side to someone in a relationship and how that person has changed and are cutting their losses. The wailing guitars displaying that energy, anger and frustration. A song that I think is quite underrated.

To Wish Impossible Things
For me this is the other song at the heart of Wish, the album's opposite to From The Edge of the Depp Green sea. It's musically hopeful, soft, gentle, lyrically he is feeling tired and had been looking for a certain feeling or experience, but never quite got there, all of this building towards the next song.

End
Here is someone who has reached that point in life where they're giving up, because everything seems pointless and has been done before, putting things on the fire slowly, one by one and the fire gets bigger and bigger, yet it's not cathartic, it's an empty experience. At the time Robert was stating he'd done everything he wanted, and that he would record every Cure album as if it was the last.

Wish could be interpreted as someone going to a party (Open) meeting someone and being happy about it. (High), then it all goes wrong (Apart). On the rebound seeks random encounters (From The Edge of the Deep Green Sea). Approached by an older person (Wendy Time) then falling in love again with someone new (Doing The Unstuck and Friday I'm In Love), but oh no! It's going wrong again (Trust) followed by lamentation (A Letter To Elise), it's works! However the person is wrong for him (Cut) and then reflects on his past mistakes (To Wish Impossible Things) leaving the feeling that everything is always the same and pointless (End).

I don't think it is but the pairings of positive and negative and opposing styles and sounds make it a great piece of work. I'll end by taking a quick peek at the artwork.

The artwork for Wish is probably my favourite Cure artwork. Produced by Parched Art, of member of which is/was Cure guitarist Porl, now Pearl Thompson. I can't quite put my finger on why it appeals to me.

The bright skies of High with the strange fanny bird.

 The Friday sky heart surrounded by bright red with a sun and moon in the middle.

The darker more sombre colours for the change in tone away from bright poppy singles for 'A Letter To Elise'.

Anxiety Redux

It was recently mental health awareness Day. I posted the following on Facebook because I felt compelled to say something, I have edit it and cleaned it up a little.

Ah, the joys of national (or is it world) mental health day, as someone who has experienced such issues I am more interested in the fact it would have been Kirsty McColl's 60th birthday. 'Tropical Brainstorm' is a fantastic piece of work, which has accompanied me on holiday numerous times. 

A nice bit of deflection there, a trick for changing the subject to avoid talking about how you feel from other people. It is so easy to hide how you feel and what you think and not want to have anyone making a fuss when you aren't right because it can feel like drawing attention to yourself in a way you aren't comfortable with. Other times it can something you feel you have to ride out and focus on just getting through it. Often just talking about it makes a massive difference and sometimes it feels so difficult to get into that head space. Sometimes you need someone to listen without comment. Sometimes it is enough to hear the words spoken aloud.

My anxiety has controlled me the past in just want to hide from things, by making me feel like I can't be arsed, and in more unpleasant incidents caused obsessions some seem serious some not so much.

 Often I would feel  need to collect sets of things (usually music), the strongest one resulted me collecting a near full set of KLF/JAMs records over a couple of years, which doesn't seem bad. However imagine when that consumes your thoughts and waiting for pay day so you can order another record, it doesn't matter if you have a high quality mp3 of the tunes from that record, the need to have a physical copy was not fun when it spends so much time occupying my thoughts.

In a more serious case being able to to sleep or eat properly for a couple of months or a year or two ago someone at work had been an unreasonable arsehole on several occasions, so much so that the thought of having to talk to them or deal with them had me regularly having unpleasant intrusive thoughts as my self worth eroded. My wife witnessed such a conversation once and was shocked by how they talked to me.

These days things are much better, pills got me back on even keel enough for a year or two so I was to not bothered by things and be able to properly switch off and relax, before eventually coming off them because they were having adverse affects on my behaviour. 

Speaking to a psychologist was the key for me, for getting to the root of issues and working for the best ways to deal with various situations. Nowadays picking up on when something is amiss is much easier. 

Occasionally I have the odd bad day, on those days I behave in a manner which I think clearly highlights to everyone that I am not having a good day, when it does not come across like this. 

In my head it is, "Look, I'm clearly not right, how can you not see it???" It is similar to when I say something ridiculous or a bit 'out there' on the basis that it so silly or what I think is obviously tongue in cheek, yet other people don't pick up on this and I can't see how they dont. I wonder if anyone else out there does this. Maybe other people out there think like this and makes it seems like some people are masking their issues when they're not?

As Bob Hoskins used to say in the BT adverts, "It's good to talk." What he didn't say is that sometimes it easier to speak to people who know very little about you, and that's ok.

Xmas 2018 - Anthemic In Places

It's that time of year again. It's my annual Xmas mix which has nothing to do with Xmas, it's just a collection of tracks relevant to this year, whether it's something I was introduced to or perhaps some artists I'd seen live, along with a few oldies thrown in. It's possible some kind of insight into the state of mental health.

This year, I saw The Lovely Eggs, Ned's Atomic Dustbin (who I'd been waiting to see since 1992), The Wonder Stuff and Robyn Hitchcock, so there's tracks from them here.

Album wise, there has been a few good ones this year.

Not With That Attitude - The fantastic debut album from Fightmilk.
Livin' The Dream - The 3rd album from Keith Top Of The Pops & His Minor UK Indie Celebrity All-Star Backing Band
Kindnssizaviruz - First album from Carfax since Minky Pauve in the early 2000s. :
Custodian - Miles Hunt released a double CD of acoustic tracks by The Wonder Stuff and his own solo efforts.
Wham! Bam! Pow! Let's Rock Out! - Art Brut are back, with more energy than a toddler drinking Red Bull.
Nostalgia - The Pound Shop Boys released their collection of dancey versions of TV themes. They are Ricardo Autobahn of Spray and Phil Fletcher (Hacker T. Dog)
Mixed Up (Deluxe Edition) - The Cure. Mixed Up, was a collection of about around six 12" mixes of Cure Single, with a few extras thrown in. The Deluxe Edition, not only sees a 2nd CD of other Cure 12" Single mixes, including the previously unreleased mix of The Love Cats. It is bundled with an album called Torn Down, where Robert has taken a track from each Cure studio album and remixed it. I wrote a review of it here.

Akira The Don, had started making a lot of Lo-Fi music under his Meaning Wave banner, but he did release his new single The Golden Age, included here for your enjoyment.

This year was also the 20th anniversary of Abdoujaparov, Les Carter's post Carter USM band.

Warning: contains *THE* sound of the summer. 'Anthologised By Cherry Red' from Spray

The Shoogly Table

Remix, Remaster, Re-Issue

I have mixed opinions on re-issues, sometimes they're good, and worth it, other times it really does seem like cashing in. In the digital age, it's great to be able to get our mitts on b-sides and demos and unreleased material that's not always easy to get a hold of. On the other hand it can be quite dull, particularly if the demos sound like weak versions of the final tracks, or live versions that don't stand out much,you have to ask yourself, what is the point in buying it.

Thankfully The Cure are a band where re-issues work in their favour. The original CD versions of 'Faith' and 'Pornography' suffered from sounding weaker and quieter than the cassette and vinyl versions, and with unreleased tracks and the instrumental film soundtracks to their tour films, Carnage Visors and Airlock.

Earlier this year, The Cure bestowed upon us the 3 CD deluxe edition of 1990s Mixed Up. Which served up the singles 'Never Enough' and under the sea 'Closer Mix' of 'Close To Me'.





CD1 - Mixed Up
Mixed Up itself is a strange beast, drawing together 12" mixes of Lullaby, Love Song and the near 9 minute long version of Fascination Street, which was released in the US. Also included are a re-recorded, more modern sounding, 'Everything Mix' of The Walk. The original master tapes had been lost. There is also the boring 'Tree Remix' of  A Forest. 

There's also the 12" mix of Hot! Hot! Hot! which is one of my personal highlights of Mixed Up. Sadly the album stumbles a bit, with the pretty awful 'Dub' mix of Pictures of You, which the baggy bass and drums just don't seem to sit comfortably in. The 'Flicker' mix of The Caterpillar and the 'Shiver Mix' of Inbetween Days feel they are lacking something, at least they tried something different but along with the mix of a Forest feel like these tracks are dragging down the album somewhat.

CD 2 - Remixes 1982-1990
This is where the dusty gems are hidden.
There are mainly 12" mixes, but the things is The Cure do good do a good 12" mix. There's of Let's Go To Bed and in particular Just One Kiss to remind you of why you want to be listening to The Cure.

Close To Me features again, along with the 1986 re-recorded mix of Boy's Don't Cry. The fun doesn't stop there, Why Can't I Be You? which originally only appeared on the Cassette and Double Vinyl of Mixed Up, but now available to everyone along with 12" mix of it's b-side A Japanese Dream. There's finally a place to the full extended single mix of Pictures Of You (my vinyl copy kept skipping).

There's also the b-side mixes from Close To Me and Never Enough, which comprise of the 'Milk Mix' of Let's Go To Bed, 'Dizzy Mix' of Just Like Heaven and the 'Red Mix' of Primary. Rounded off by what I was once led to believe was the 'demo' version of The Love Cats, it sounds better than the original and is actually the 'TC and Benny Mix'.

CD 3 -Torn Down
Robert Smith decided to remix one of his favourite tracks from each Cure album. The result is Torn Down, which is very much a mixed bag.

Three Imaginary Boys (Help Me Mix)
The original drums and bass are out the window, with a underwater arpy sounding synth plodding away in the background, with the guitar over the top. An interesting way to go about it.

M (Attack Mix)
Similar approach to the previous mix, but sounds less claustrophic and depressing.

The Drowning Man (Bright Birds Mix)
Here's one of the reasons you should buy this album, tracks like this one. This sounds like it could easily have been an unreleased mix of the song from the time of Faith. Different piano and strings along with the odd effect really add to the atmosphere of this song.

Strange Day (Drowning Waves Mix)
Another one of those tracks that is worth buying this for, there's additions of background synths of a 1985ish era that remind me of A-Ha for some reason.  It just adds something extra to the tune.

Just One Kiss (Remember Mix)
This is an interesting alternative mix or the track, it doesn't take anything away from it, but it doesn't add that much either. That's not a bad thing.

Shake Dog Shake (New Blood Mix)
A bit boring really, similar to the previous track. I've never really been that partial to this song though.

A Night Like This (Hello Goodbye Mix)
Personally this is not my bag. The more pronounced saxophone on it, and the saw synth that is subtly in the background. Much prefer the original, this mix changes the atmosphere of the original song.

Like Cockatoos (Lonely In The Rain Mix)
This is different and unexpected, though the stabbing synth added to this, it could possibly do without. It makes it seem that Robert was running ideas a bit for mixes, following a similar pattern. It's an enjoyable enough track though.

Plainsong (Edge Of The World Mix)
Plainsong is a track that would be very difficult to improve. This mix, changes the atmosphere from the original, and makes it sound brighter and happier, it's not bad, it's just different.

Never Enough (Time To Kill Mix)
Robert said he went back to the demo to create this, and it shows. The demo isn't that far off the original and this feels more like a demo of Never Enough than a mix, you're better off listening to the single version.

From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea (Love In Vain Mix)
It feels like there's lots of extra strings in this and it works really well.

Want (Time Mix)
It's like an angrier sounding version of Want, that isn't quite as good as the original. It feels it's been done in a rush, a bit copy'n'paste.

The Last Day Of Summer (31st August Mix)
Feels like an alternative mix of the album track, works well.

Cut Here (If Only Mix)
Looses some of the energy of the original, but doesn't lose anything else.

Lost (Found Mix)
This is the title track on the self titled album 'The Cure', which was pretty samey and indisinct apart from 'The End of The World' and 'Alt End' the musical rehash of Seventeen Seconds' track In Your House. I haven't listened to the original in ages, and a quick visit to YouTube reminds me why, it's fucking awful. Thankfully this mix sounds far better and less whiny.

It's Over (Whisper Mix)
I did like 4:13 Dream, but I never listened to it that much. This album felt like The Cure were getting their mojo back, partly I'm sure to long time Cure guitarist Porl Thomson returning to the fold. Another quick trip to YouTube, tell me that, this is different in a good way to the original, which was also enjoyable.

All in all, the deluxe version of Mixed Up is worth any Cure fan picking up. Even though it suffers in places, at least The Cure have tried different things rather than just churning out the same old thing.

Postcard Town

It is generally regarded that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. This is true when it comes to sofas. Did you really believe we go through enough cattle in the UK to supply enough leather for all the sofa shops? You can blame Paul McCartney for that one. There has been a need to find another source. An initiative from the Conservative government to allow relax rules regarding the actual source of leather to keep the sofa industry buoyant.

Did you ever notice the large number of tanning salons? Do you remember the family of orange  neighbours you knew well who moved away? You've lost touch with them haven't you? Everyone else has too.

Spoiler Versions - Jack Adaptor

It has been over 10 years since I bought an album by Jack Adaptor. I got their debut self titled CD and single 'No Logos'.  I'd been really into The Family Cat, so with singer Paul Frederick having a new project with Christopher Cordoba was something I was interested in.

In those 10 years life got in the way of a lot. Not to fear, with the joys of social media, I was pointed in the direction of 'Spoiler Versions', the new Jack Adaptor album. My default "want" for a new album is something fast and catchy, this had been my ingrained feeling for years, I want something exciting. As I've matured over the years, my ears are more open to more styles and slower tempos. Though I still wonder why Garbage ever bothered with 'Milk'. I just can't warm to that song. That's off topic though.

Let's start with the artwork, like a section of a finger painted rainbow with many layers, across it a rain of mainly white and silver. Is it a metaphor for the record? Is it art? Am I reading too much into it and it's just a nice design?

The album begins with Paul's familiar voice drifts over the top of a slow beat with piano and subdued guitar. It all fits together nicely, I just want to put the big headphones on to block out the world, close my eyes, tune in and listen.

I hate writing things, mainly because I always think of a better way to have written something later, once it's been released into the wild. As I write this particular sentence, I'm getting perhaps some helpful wisdom from the second track 'Proven Warrior'. Oh it's not perfect, but it will have to do for now. A track that sounds like it means business.

A harpsichord and acoustic guitar provide the vehicle for guest vocalist Claudia Brücken (of German 80s synthpop band Propaganda) on 'Say When'. Propaganda, I've just gone off to investigate on YouTube, and Claudia's vocals are not what I'd thought would work with Jack Adaptor's sound, given Propaganda's sound. She sounds less harsh and the vocals fit the song like a glove.

'Glue Man' has me heading back off to chill out land, like the opener. I have trouble trying to describe the sound of both tracks, other than they are both uniquely Jack Adaptor!

For me, one of the signs of a good artist, is taking type of sound that I'm really not that into and using it in a way that changes my mind. Here the 70s influenced funk sounds of 'Navigating The Amazon' manage to do that.

'Pionus', a slow and sad track, that my mind says would be how musically the Cocteau Twins would sound without their distinctive chorus effects. The guitar has a deeply reflective feel, and I imagine  I'm a slowly floating down a river.

I'm half expecting a vocoded Sexy Boy! to jump out of the next track when I hear familiar sounding synth kicking off the  'The Road To Bali'. However, this is Jack Adaptor not Air, and this not a rip off, or homage to Air. Before telling the tale of not managing to be with the girl he wants.

What follows sounds like the ballad of a drag queen's lost love on 'Queen of the Universe' before heading out onto the stage. I could have this completely wrong, but that's what I've taken from the lyrics: The butterflies have flown into another soul. Behind the scenes of the loveless, putting on my mascara as I fill my role. I'm going on...

The tone changes to a more upbeat sounding 'Oppenheimer in Manhattan', though given Oppenheimer being the director of the institute that developed the Manhattan project. When you know this, the the children's backing vocals on the chorus, give the song an unnerving quality at what feels like the the normalised outlook of the destructive nature of the project, though from the lyrics, this sounds exactly the point. Oppenheimer himself was opposed to the development of the hydrogen bomb.

A riff on a piano in an empty village hall, sets off the final track 'I Wish It Could Be Better'. It appears to be a lament on a current love. As it goes on a nicely understated, very quiet, noisey, perhaps shoegazey guitar that slowly swells without ever intruding.

These days I need to music to take me somewhere, even if I've been there before, as long as it does it in it's own way, that's good. Spoiler Versions takes me somewhere I didn't know I wanted to go, but am glad it did. This is perfect music for chilling out. This album tells me I've been missing out on Jack Adaptor, so time to look at filling in the back catalogue.

Spoiler Versions - Jack Adapter

Edited the original post... to read it click below...

https://professionaldisorganisation.blogspot.co.uk/2018/05/spoiler-versions-jack-adaptor.html

Are Your Normal?

It's the summer of 1992 and an impressionable  14 year old is watching 'Top Of The Pops' and a band called Ned's Atomic Dustbin are performing their new single 'Not Sleeping Around'.

 

I'd heard it on the Top 40 countdown the previous Sunday and liked it,  this live performance was something else. They had two bass players, one playing normal bass, the other playing at the higher end like New Order, but they don't sound like they're copying Peter Hook, no no no, they sound better than New Order. This would lead me to the album that was part of my formative years. The band was named after an episode of the legendary Goon Show, who couldn't like that?

I loved the songs, the artwork, the band's logo. I'd listen to it on repeat for hours. I wished I could see them live. It would be another 26 years before I would do so, and they would not disappoint!

That didn't matter though because this, this was the 2nd album, that meant there was another album with songs to unearth out there. 'God Fodder' was a cracking album, but it wasn't 'Are You Normal?'. Was it because it was my introduction to Ned's or was it because it was a more evolved and matured?

Listening to this again, it doesn't sound dated, it sounds fresh and exciting as it ever did. Go hunt it out and listen to it, from the opener 'Suave and Suffocated' through to the closer 'Intact', via 'Legoland', 'Tantrum' and 'Spring'. It's a soundscape that never fails to impress. My favourite Ned's song  'Who Goes First?' also lives here, when the guitar changes on the middle eight, I get that looping in my head for hours.

Who Goes First?

The energy of this song resonates with me and makes me want to pick up an instrument and go come up with a tune with similar energy. When did a song last make you feel like that? Ok, it was 'Wiggy Giggy' by the Lovely Eggs, but I'm focusing on Ned's Atomic Dustbin here! To me, they sounded like no one else, yet other people seems to think 'they were alright', but never quite got it, probably in the same way I never 'got' Nirvana. 

Are You Normal? Thankfully not. 

Old Mix Tapes

I found some old mix tapes... this was circa 1999/2000.

Hodge
Side One
Ich Bin Ein Auslander [Die Krupps Mix] - Pop Will Eat Itself
Whatchamacallit - Esqivel
Fuck You and Your Cat - Goldfinger
The Onion Bhaji Song - Lord Leamington
Stripper Vicar  - Mansun
TAXLO$$ - Mansun
Drastic Sturgeon - Mansun
This Is For Real - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
I'm Not Even Going To Try - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Ginger - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Ballroom - David Devant & His Spirit Wife

Side Two
Radar - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Take A Deep Breath - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Birdhouse In Your Soul [Live] - They Might Be Giants
Why Does The Sun Shine? - They Might Be Giants
Spiralling Shape - They Might Be Giants
Dolphin Square - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Germaine Greer - Carfax
Modern World - The Pogues
Cocaine Socialism - Pulp
Hit The Hi-Tech Groove - Pop Will Eat Itself
Steamroller - The Family Cat

New 1
Side One
Ich Bin Ein Auslander [Die Krupps Mix] - Pop Will Eat Itself
The Onion Bhaji Song - Lord Leamington
Spring - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Desperate Journalist - The Cure
You Don't Care About Us - Placebo
Just About Glad - Elvis Costello
Vivid - Electronic
Suedehead - Morrissey
Blue Bell Knoll - Cocteau Twins
One To Another - The Charlatans
Radar - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Eurodisco - BIS

Side Two
True Faith '94 - New Order
Gecko - The Creatures
You're The One For Me Fatty [Live] - Morrissey
Karmadrome [12"] - Pop Will Eat Itself
Haze - Electronic
I Think I'm Paranoid [Live] - Garbage
Not In My Plans - Miles Hunt
Carolyn's Fingers - Cocteau Twins
My Life For Yours - Holy Roman Empire
Inside You - Pop Will Eat Itself
Supervixen - Garbage

New 2
Side One
Nancy Boy [Sex Mix] - Placebo
Modern World - The Pogues
God Only Knows - James
Pretty Pretty - Pop Will Eat Itself
Seven - James
Pony Street - Elvis Costello
We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful - Morrissey
Theme From Gutbuster - Bently Rhythm Ace
The Perfect Kiss [12"] - New Order
20% Amnesia - Elvis Costello
A Kissed Out Red Floatboat - Cocteau Twins
Legoland - Ned's Atomic Dustbin

Side Two
When I Grow Up [Live] - Garbage
North Country Boy - The Charlatans
Ring The Bells - James
Bernice Bobs Her Hair - The Divine Comedy
Def Con One - Pop Will Eat Itself
Push It [Live] - Garbage
The Only One I Know - The Charlatans
Legacy - Mansun
For Tomorrow - Blur
Look Out Tomorrow - Jesus Jones
Going Underground - The Jam

New 3
Side One
The Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show
Leave - REM
Beats at the Office - BIS
Germaine Greer - Carfax
Special/Blown It [delete as appropriate] - Mansun
Bizarre Love Triange [12"] - New Order
Perfectly Rounded - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Chemical World - Blur
Wax and Wane - Cocteau Twins
Jesus Hairdo - The Charlatans

Side Two
Manna From Heaven - Miles Hunt
Laid - James
Tuesday Morning - The Pogues
36 Degrees - Placebo
Ski Jump Nose [Live] - Mansun
Harborcoat - REM
Born of Frustration - James
Stupid Girl [Live] - Garbage
That's When I Reach For My Revolver - Graham Coxon
Advert - Blur
You've Got A Lot To Answer For - Catatonia
Someone Like Kingbird - Miles Hunt

New 4
Side One
Accelerator - Primal Scream
Get The Girl and Kill The Baddies - Pop Will Eat Itself
13 Steps Lead Down - Elvis Costello
Pure Morning - Placebo
Stripper Vicar - Mansun
Vow [Live] - Garbage
Every Day Is Like Sunday - Morrissey
Y2K: The Bug Is Coming
Wake Up Bomb - REM
Black Country Chainstore Massacre - Pop Will Eat Itself
This Is For Real - David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Lost Cat - Catatonia

SideTwo
Love Is The Law - The Seahorses
A New England - Kirsty MacColl
The Pop Singers Fear of the Pollen Count - The Divine Comedy
Wise Up, Sucker! - Pop Will Eat Itself
Only Happy When It Rains [Live] - Garbage
November Spawned A Monster - Morrissey
Kinder Murder - Elvis Costello
Everything Is Not Okay - Miles Hunt
Until You Find Out - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Going To London - Carfax

2018: Year of the Completed Projects (at least one?)

It's a new year and every year I say similar things, I don't bother with new year resolutions, however I've got a set of aims for this year, some of which have been outstanding for over a decade! Goals feel better than resolutions. Resolutions have a sense of "these must be done or you will FAIL!" about them. Aims are the good intentions that I would like to make progress on and should review once a month. 

Here's what I have so far...

• Read at least one book a month.
• Blog twice at least twice month.
• Make two Disorgcasts a month.
• Go for a 5-10 minute walk every 2 hours at work. Try to make sure I hit 10,000 steps a day. 
• Back in the Box - compile at least 4 Schrödinger's Beard tunes in a form as close to how they were supposed to sound in my head as possible. 
• Casinos That Never Opened - Get at least 4 songs that have been existing as fragments and smells since 2001 until now into some listenable form.
• Write first phase of my open source, cross platform C++ software for interpreting Astrological charts, that serves up a meaningful interface to allow for the user's own interpretations of various placements. The second phase will draw up a chart and perhaps add other features.
• Finally get round to creating Dan's belated 40th birthday present, which has only ever been fleetingly mentioned and will be an audio visual treat if I ever manage to get it done

Merry New Year!

It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent's Super.

We're now the other side of Christmas, I never had time to write about the school Christmas assembly. Before we start. I don't 'get' school assemblies. I never have. In was at a large primary school, 14 classes of around 30 pupils, in a big hall, while Mr 'Jesus' Johnstone, the headteacher, strumming his acoustic guitar, which he would always tune up and tell us that it was out of tune because it had been sitting in the boot of his car. Sometimes he accompanied on piano and we all sang religious songs. It meant we weren't doing proper work, so I didn't mind going along to them. 

There would be a group of parents gathered around the edges of the hall watching on. I never felt particularly bothered if my mum turned up at the Christmas or end of term assemblies, if she did she'd smile and wave, but wasn't bothered if she was there or not. I didn't see the need for parents to turn up, at that age it seemed a bit weird.  

The school of Child #2 is a small village school, usually end of term assemblies are held in the local church two minutes walk from the school. This Christmas it wasn't the case due to the church being renovated, so we were all in the small school hall. Many parents were not in the seats, but along the edges, getting a better view of proceedings and in turn their children.

I on the other hand was sat cross legged at the back of the hall on top of a 3ft high piece of gym equipment with a large cushioned leather top. No one else has the sense to find the comfiest place, or perhaps their restrictive social graces that inhibit them? 

It is important to be comfortable sitting through and hour and a half of Christmas Assembly. As a step parent I don't have the emotional bond, most parents have to their offspring. Perhaps that's why I don't get the same feelings of pride and excitement that other parents do about attending such activities. Then again, as I said earlier, I, and several of my friends were never bothered if our parents attended our assemblies. 

In case you were wondering, I don't have any qualms with the content of the assembly, I more have a problem with being expected to sit through it, like it is some kind of special occasion that will somehow change my life forever.

The assembly itself was a combination of 3 Christmas songs for everyone to sing along to, the violin teacher coaxing about 6 six kids to play instrumental versions of carols without screeching, one of which had kids playing ukuleles along with it. There was also lines of Christmas stories and what the kids got up to, and the school choir signing along with their singing, which was really well performed and enjoyable.

One thing I've noticed is they don't teach people to shut the fuck up in assemblies any more. I felt sorry for the poor kids going up to a microphone and having most of their only line in the performance talked over by parents and other kids. It wasn't just people missing cues to be quiet, but no teachers stepped in to get that silence, so they could feel listened to. I wonder how many kids felt discouraged by that happening to them? I need to get around to buying that air horn for such occasions. 

I got told off for asking my wife, Which of the kids is that mutant that was attacking Child #2? Apparently this is not appropriate to ask slightly too loud near other parents. It was pointed out and the child didn't seem at a distance to have any features that said 'Danger! Sociopath'. I did however see the back of it's parent's heads, the bloke, a fat neck with a gold chain, the woman in an anorak. He has been filming the entire performance on his phone. I found it difficult to put prejudice aside and wondered what their home life would be like, it was only a few seconds before it took a League of Gentlemen-esque turn that I escaped from as I was distracted by the head teacher apologising for overrunning. A quick few words and for unfathomable reasons, local minister was allowed a platform during which my internal monologue had to be jailed, and he advertised his Christmas service at one of his churches.

I don't like the local minister. He took a dislike to me for having coloured hair, and took offense to me and my wife having a private joke, which he never heard, at a kids dance recital. He made passive aggressive comments at the end of it about some people being more grown up than others and glaring in our direction. Since then he can't look either myself or my wife in the eye, or glares from a distance. 

For a Christian he's one of the judgmental hypocrite types, one of those who give everyone else a bad name. If Jesus was around he would have told him they were going to see John the Baptist and thrown him in the Nile in a bag of bricks for his douchebaggery. Therefore I see any bile relating to him as perfectly excusable. Over the past year or so he's taking to dressing down quite a bit and has unkempt facial hair which makes him look like he's homeless. I'm not sure if this is down to the reducing popularity of the church generally so he has to make up funds by begging or if he's just a twat. Both options are equally likely.

Minister: Are we all looking forward to Father Christmas coming with our presents?

Everyone: YES!

Minister: Christmas is about the birth of Jesus!

My Mind: No it's not it's about squeezing the birth a of religious figure who was born in 4 B.C.E. probably in June over the top of the existing Midwinter festivals because of religious wankers who didn't like that their religion wasn't as important and wanted integrate and wipe out the existing religious festivities. You prick.

Minster is handed a bag of gifts from the headteacher.

Minister: Oh what wonderful gift have I been given?

Rummages in the bag and pulls out a glass jar with a flip top lid.

Minster: Lovely sprout and onion chutney!

Me to my wife: It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent's Super.

Wife punches me in the arm. 

Wife: Will you shut up!

As it turned out the man stood next to us has particularly strong religious beliefs and my wife was mortified he might have heard. 

What have we learned:

• I'm not the same as you.
• I don't like sitting through assemblies. Even if the content is good, I'm selfish and think about what I could be using that time for.
• I don't understand why other people sit through assemblies, I don't get the need to turn up and film the thing on a mobile phone. 
• I can see why they might want to turn up the first time, or if their kid is doing something particularly special. 
• I don't get the emotional need to turn up, 'I'm a parent therefore I must attend.' Not turning up will not scar your child for life.
• I get why kids like assemblies. It's fun for them, they don't have to do boring things instead. I can understand why they enjoy performing to an audience and why they might want their parents to be there. 
• I think differently from others when it comes to seating arrangements. The rest of you are just lacking in problem solving abilities, this is why you get into fights with your families.
• I need to own an air horn to silence people and carry it everywhere with me.
• I desire to express my views even if it may be upsetting or embarrassing, partly because I was far too much influenced by sarcastic characters in sitcoms when growing up, but also because hiding it behind anxiety doesn't do anyone any favours. I do need to learn to express discontent in a more 'socially acceptable' manner, but would be the fun in that?

Anxiety 7 : It's not the end, but another chapter.

In the past I've been told directly and read about people taking anti-depressants feeling "zombified". I never really properly understood what this meant until recently. I've been slowly tapering off the Fluoxtine and I think I know where this description comes from.

My head has had a break from itself for just over two years now, the anxiety is still there, it always is but it's given me the distance and from that the ability to spot it easier and not let it affect me. One of the things for me with anxiety was bottling up annoyances and not letting them out, and the medication gave me the ability to learn to express such annoyances and for them to be less irritating and for me to be able not to focus on them. Not letting go of things was one of the issues that used to be one of the core manifestations of my anxiety. Why would stupid things bug me? In some way make me feel like I was some how responsible, that I'd somehow blamed for it? Looking back it seems completely ludicrous but that's what was happening to me.

Cutting down on the medication has brought back something I never realised was missing, it stopped me getting annoyed, made me feel calmer and allowed me to take a step back from how I felt, I started accepting things for how they were. I might still be annoyed by something but I didn't hold on to it, I let it go. Learning that a lot of who I am, and how I react to situations are linked, but are not my fault, are not down to things that I have done, it's been down to past experiences that have shaped me in unhelpful ways and it's time to rebuild. 

I've had enough of a break from how I used to be that I now need to if someone annoys me, work out how to politely express that annoyance, so it doesn't bug me, prey on my mind and unhelpfully bottle up. Also I need to do it in a constructive way, so I feel I've explained myself without doing something that may cause myself unnecessary grief.

As for being zombified? The mischievous, devilish part of me has been buried for a while, and is finding it's way back, my wife has noticed and I think she believes it's a good thing. I think when people take medication and feel like they're not themselves, it is a side effect of the medication, it calms a part of people that is closely entwined with stress, anxiety and depression. I can understand how some people would see that they feel that a core part of their personality has been chloroformed. I notice now I feel more strongly about what we might perceive as injustices, as opposed to just shrugging my shoulders and saying "Shit happens!". To be fair, shit does indeed happen, but we can always do something about it. That space I got from myself from the past two years worked for me, it might not work for others, it's also allowed me to see where I need to make changes to how I deal with things. For me it's a bit like Catchphrase "Say what you see!"

Old Dougie isn't back, upgraded Dougie is here and he's going to make mistakes, probably misguided attempts at humour. Right now I've got an excess of good moods and motivation, that's not always going to be the case, but I've you've got to work with what you have. Onwards and Upwards!

Xmas List

Dear Santa,

Can I haz plz?

Orphans - Aphex Twin

Aphex Twin - Orphaned Deejay Selek CD

'Together As One' - Dinosaur

DMT: The Spirit Molecule: A Doctor's Revolutionary Research into the Biology of Near-Death and Mystical Experiences

Primus - 'The Saturating Seven CD

Primus and the Chocolate Factor with the Fungi Ensemble CD

'Utopia' - Björk

Anxiety 6: Dial it back up

I like my medication, occasionally I'd get a bit of a manic rush for a couple of hours where I was full of great ideas and enthusiasm, only for it to drift off later. I liked that state, it was like a window to achieve something and feel happy about things. The side effects are forgetfulness and being a bit fuzzy and demotivated most of the time. 

I'm cutting down on the medication. I've been told I seem more like my old self. This does include a less pleasant side of being grumpier and less tolerant. I feel more likely to react to things, which itself isn't a bad thing. I am in a space where I am more relaxed and can more easily spot anxiety driven actions, so I can re-learn to deal with events in a better manner.

Lowering the medication highlights that while it smoothed over the cracks, the issues were still there. An example might be dealing with people over something negative, I might be less anxious about coming forward and pointing it out, but I'm not learning a useful way of dealing with it, so when I lower the medication, I need to train my brain to deal to think about it differently. I've seen it work, now I need to make it work for myself. I need to learn to put the anxiety to one side and work out how to approach it from a more calm view point, since the anxiety generally dispels the calm and has an urge to get to the point and spit it out bluntly.

In an ideal world I'd win enough money to live on in a lone cottage by the sea and none of this would be an issue.

Disorganart

We've all seen art we think is terrible, we all remember our high school art teachers! We've all seen art we like. 

I made something ages ago, I'm working on two new different things now. 

Unique, quirky, one off items,  for... the sake of art. It's not about making money, it's about creating. Bringing into existence, those deep subconcious thoughts in a meaningful and humorous way.

I present you with Disorganart!

Abba-ttoir

Here's a clue to what today's podcast is about... yes that's right you've guessed it an abattoir! *pause* What do you mean you didn't like that joke?  

In my work I occasionally have to visit an abattoir, when I took this job, I was really unsure about about having to do so often to go to there. Before we go this isn't pro or anti beef, this is where beef, leather and pet food come from. I feel people need to know this, we are so used to pre-packaging, it's so bad I notice Tesco are selling frozen omelettes. Though in this case, I'd like to think it's for people who aren't capable make an omelette on their own and not some cynical ploy for making extra cash.

It's important to not stress the cattle. It causes the meat to become tough and lose flavour. This means as short a journey as possible to the abattoir to ensure the minimal amount of stress. The next part is from memory, so I may get a couple of steps the wrong way round.

A cow goes in to what is known as the kill box, is rendered brain dead by a bolt between the eyes, it's then hung up by the back legs, throat slit and the blood is drained. Once this process is complete the numerous stages of dismantling the carcass begins. Horns and hooves are removed, the heads chopped off and intestines and other organs are taken out, here the line split into two, one processing the carcass the other sorting out the organs. The hides are removed and then the tail is taken out. There are platforms that move up and down, one allows staff to cut the carcass in half, with what resembles a giant hacksaw. On another platform there is excess fat some of the fat is cut off by hand. In a distance of about 30 metres, it goes from being a recognisable animal to two large, hanging pieces of meat. In the kill hall there is the is the odd spurt of blood up the side of the white plastic walls, like some cheesy horror film.

Wandering around in white overalls, through the kill hall or walking through chills of half carcasses, it's impossible not to come out with them having stained by something red. Elsewhere there's more dismantling, flanks, bones and offal appear. Tripe disturbs me, the hexagonal looking structure of it, reminds me of a plant or a leaf, but it's not. It's white, and looks like a load of mis-shapen fancy bath mats hanging up to dry.

Outside is where the particularly bad smells are, especially on a warm day. Here is where the other bits come out from the kill line, the literal shit, fat and other material. A lot of this is classed as Category 3; not suitable for human consumption. Here is where your pets come in, Category 3 material can be be used in cat and dog food. Nothing is wasted, even the bones and blood find a use, they can sold off to be made into fertiliser.

There you have it, a trip round an abattoir, I'm always disappointed when I visit because I've still not seen any 70s popstars in their brightly coloured jumpsuits there.

As the legendary Keith Top Of The Pops & His Minor UK Indie Celebrity All-Start Backing Band once sang... Morrissey Will Never Forgive Me.

!

Whisper Words of Wisdom

The room at the hotel has an outside bathroom, 6 or 7 foot high walls for privacy. white tiles on the walls and floor. The toilet and shower are in the half of the bathroom with the covered roof, opposite there is an 18 inch high wall housing a raised flower bed that is pretty much just mud with some unhealthy looking plants that look like they've had too much sun. 

It's 2002 and I'm in the middle of the Indian Ocean on the island of Meerufenfushi, I'd ran away on a last minute two week holiday to get peace to de-stress from dealing with my nitpicking manager who was bullying me at work. I'm nearly at the end of my holiday, it's been amazing, me, the sunshine a couple of trips and sitting reading books in the sun while listening to my Walkman.

If you don't know what a Walkman is, it plays cassettes, it's like a more portable version of a record player that you need headphones for. 

It's about 11pm. I can't sleep, I don't feel too good. Today I know I got a bit too much sun so am feeling a little dehydrated. I'm trying to drink water, but I feel sick. I spend the next few hours not able to concentrate on reading. The fish curry from the buffet clearly didn't agree with me. I end up on the porcelain telephone talking to Huey, Huey and Ralph. The other end isn't happy either, I keep swapping ends on the toilet. 

I feel so wretched, I just want to be better, the previous night I slept badly and got only about two or three hours sleep. I'm exhausted, it's half 2 in the morning, I fly home in 12 hours. I've been listening music because I can think of nothing else to do. I'm sat on the floor of the bathroom watching little green geckos only a few inches in length running along the walls. I say sat, more propped up against. My stomach churns, throwing up leaves me with a minute of feeling on top of the world before the nausea comes flooding back. Part of me is red raw, too ill to sleep, too tired to move. I'm in a horrible elevated mental state where I can't think clearly and I just want to sleep to make it all go away, but I can't and I'm already agitated. Sunstroke and food poisoning, what a combination!

Plonk plonk, plonk plonk... on comes Let It Be by The Beatles. I focus on the music to try and distract myself. Delirium is kicking in, the song feels like a blanket, it makes feel warm and loved, the lyrics start, I start to feel the words make sense to me. I suddenly understand. The whole song, everything makes sense, I start crying uncontrollably, all the time I've got a sensation that I understand! Understand what exactly I couldn't tell you. The song finishes, I play the song a few more times, still crying  feeling wretched and everything in the world makes sense. 

12 hours later I'm on the plane home, 10 hours to London, it's after midnight, my flight to Edinburgh is 7:30am. In the past 48 hours, I've had about 4 hours of sleep, I'm staying awake and hang about in the airport until my flight is due to leave. I am due in at work at 08:30. My twisted sense of having to be reliable and turn up because it's the done thing is in overdrive. Not only is plane an hour late, the airline screw up my and other passengers luggage.  Walk into work at half 9, dressed in the same shorts and t-shirt I'd left the Maldives in, ready to work! The wanky manager isn't happy, the Managing Director is up today and wanky boss is worried that how I'm dressed will reflect badly on him and asks me to go home and get changed. I try and ignore him, go on a wander to catch up workwise, end up talking to the MD and another director who seem amused I actually came into work. Wanky boss walks in says "Ah, excellent, you're going to go home and get changed like I asked" and scurries off. The directors look at each other and laugh at wanky boss. They couldn't give a toss about how I was dressed.

What lessons can we learn from this? 

Holidays are important, nay essential!

Being delirious is great fun on hindsight and at the time.

Do what you think is the right thing at the time, it's better than regretting not doing it.

Don't give in to wanky bosses that pick on you due to their own insecurities. He took me to the pub that night, tired to get me drunk, I had about 5 or 6 drinks, then claimed he had a bottle of vodka, wen to his flat he tried to hide the fact he'd poured me a half glass of vodka and juice to get me really fucked, I cottoned on and poured it into a plant pot. The next day he had a dreadful hangover, I was fine, yet he had a dig at me that I had "Better not be hungover!" 

I got the last laugh though, he eventually got made redundant. WANKER!

Podcast Relaunch

The 'I Drink Tea' podcast is dead. It is wiped from history. In it's place the void will be filled with the Disorgcast!

What''s the difference? It's still going to be around five minutes long, they are going to contain philosophical musings, humour, stories and perhaps the odd tune. The aim is to produce one a week, rehearse before recording, and add in some quality control.

The first one is up and ready to go... (iTunes feed should be up in a day or two).
https://disorgcast.podbean.com/e/disorgcast-1-game-of-jams/

Bunnet Sonnet

The flat cap, sometimes known as 'the bunnet'
Yorkshiremen and pensioners wear them.
Lurking like someone in a whodunnit!
Smoking cheap cigarettes now and again

That hat doesn't suit you, aged several years
Reminds me of the seventies racists
When people ignorantly voiced their fears
Through vile words on a regular basis.

Thankfully today, things are far less tense.
We've started working together; a team.
Doesn't stop the public from being less dense.
They think that a whippet is an ice cream

He who sports a flat cap, makes his own bread
Hides for hours and hours, working in his shed.